full blue moon dreamboards



this is what I wish to manifest in january

* eat fresh foods

*be kinder to myself

*accept that I am not alone

*read more

*close the door to negative self talk

*be brave

*get outside more

*see the beauty

*be comfortable in my own skin


I did mine on a calendar so that I could have it hanging up and see it often to remind myself of what I wish to manifest. each month new goals, dreams and thoughts and beautiful visuals. how exciting!

thank you jamie!

christmas eve is here my friend...


santa and joey 2009

this year more than any other that I can remember I am really enjoying the holiday season. I think the reason for that is that I have allowed myself to relax more. don't get me wrong I still am a list maker and that keeps me on track, but this year was better. this year I was not rushing around trying to get things done. I slowed down and let a few things go.

less about presents and more on the REAL gifts in my life.

mom and dad - photo by kath
my parents who are doing as well as can be. things have fallen into place and more days than few are good. they are smiling more and living more. they gave me life and love and I am so thankful that I am able to call them up or see them anytime I want.

michael - christmas party 2009
my love, who is my rock. every time I turn around he's got my back. he puts up with me and my family and he married me three times! seriously, I would go on choosing him today, tomorrow and all the days of my life. such a precious gift.

nadia and dan - holiday decorating 2009
my baby, my boy, my son who listens, learns and loves with his whole heart. I am truly thankful for the gift of him and am so happy that he is home for christmas.

wishing you and yours a very merry christmas, happy holidays and many wonderful moments.

dan has left the building...


yup...

my baby moved out and left me in a puddle of tears...

oh I held back in front of him...

assured him that I was no less than proud as a peacock with him and for all that he has accomplished in his life and mostly in the last year. he found himself a house full of character which is what I always wished would rub off on him. I wanted him to head out into that big world with some simplicity in his pocket. that life is not about the things you buy, but about the things you make. you can buy a house, but you make a home.

watching him load up his things and head out the door filled me with so many emotions. years of memories under this roof. many a video game was played sitting on that green rug. gingerbread houses built on that table. rocking him to sleep in that chair. holding him tight when he wanted to run away. much yelling of "MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOM!". loads of tea was sipped. years of homework. reading books together in bed and most recently playing video games. banging drums and piano playing. writing songs and recording them with his solo band. creating halloween costumes. playing swords. cooking fabulous meals for us. beanie babies and land before time. band aids and body odor. many chats about what was troubling him and what his dreams are.

I have been the lucky one throughout his life. I have been able to be there in those moments of his firsts. his first breath was the greatest gift ever and from that moment on I was excited for each new day. I have loved watching him grow up and become who he is and I so look forward to all that he has yet to do.

I will miss him buckets. I will miss his guitar playing and singing heard throughout the house. I will miss his hug and kiss and I love you before he leaves the house.

I will be sad.

just a little.

I will miss more moments than I would like , but gosh I have many to hold in my heart.

I wish you much joy my son. I wish for you a home filled with love, honesty and laughter. keep singing, keep smiling and keep dreaming. you are amazing in every way. never be less than you can be and never stop loving life!

love you more...

xoxo
mom

are you serious?


-59 F with the wind chill this morning. brrrrr frickin' brrrr!

I really don't think anything could cheer me up right now except for maybe...

baking grandma's cookies and christmas cheer!

bring on the hot chocolate, marshmallows, antipasto, cheese, crackers and sausage and for sweet treats toss in a little shortbread and nanaimo bars! if ya got some rum and nog come on over!

have ya heard about this? and there is a discount code! go order yourself a christmas gift! and maybe one for a friend?

congratulations linda and karen!
after a lengthy discussion on the commercialization of christmas we headed out for a picture with santa...


you will notice how happy santa is? seems he was getting tired of the kidlets and wanted some grown up fun. we told him what we wanted for christmas and told him how we all had been real, real good this year. yup, well, we made a memory and we got candy to boot!

well, the weather outside is frightful...


BUT inside we are HOT, HOT, HOT! it is mexican fiesta night in our casa!

7 layer dip and empanadas - ole! and probably a couple of beer margaritas as well. oh yeah, nothing like food and booze to chase those winter blues away.

today's question:

what do max...

and joey...

have in common other than they are both dogs? absolutely nothing! well one thing for sure! max is a sun dog and joey? SNOW dog! loved romping around in the snow today.

and sparky?


he is a FLOOR dog!

thankful for...

my family


and all the love


and car washing in november


and for his royal goofiness "joey"


and good food...


and thankful to witness moments like this...

what are you thankful for today?

when your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

when your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

there you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

the dark will be your womb
tonight.

the night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

you must learn one thing.
the world was made to be free in.

give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.
sweet darkness - david whyte

ten beautiful things...

inspired by her.


1. my mom
2. dan's hugs
3. joey's puppy kisses
4. my new bath tub
5. spending yesterday with my man who was ever so patient with me
6. tribe
7. books - lots of books
8. her smile
9. preppy fountain pen
10. pain free foot!

and YOU?

back in time...

one year ago today - this was my morning...


inspired by her.

the best surprise - EVER!

our last night in st. louis we had the most horrible storm. so bad in fact that we had a leak in our room. plop, plop, plop. maintenance came to check and asked if we wanted to change rooms. we were leaving the next day so it seemed kind of pointless. so we sat back and watched some tv. I started packing and shortly thereafter came a knock at the door. I was certain it was maintenance checking to see if we had drowned. I bent down to push aside the clothes that were all over the floor and making their way into the suitcase and when I looked up - GASP! there in front of me was dan and jille!

they drove thirty hours to surprise us in st. louis. I never knew that anyone loved me that much! turned out michael knew because dan had called to see where we were staying. he kept the secret all night and I was gifted with the best surprise of my life. I got to hug him over and over and just look at him. I couldn't believe my eyes. it was just what I needed.

they stayed the night and the next morning I was treated to my own private concert in the camper van. yes! the van! they are still on the road and continuing their journey. they just left phoenix last night.

enjoy!


video
-the journey-

one day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"mend my life!"
each voice cried.
but you didn't stop.
you knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
it was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
but little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recongized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
-mary oliver-
she packed up her potential and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things...

thank you sarah (photo) and leigh (quote)

TGIF!

holy crap! friday? wow!

so yesterday was a mucho productive day. started out with my first purchase of the day - a $1.99 poncho! woo! I decided to forgo the umbrella. I stayed fairly dry, but I cabbed it back to the hotel as it was raining cats and dogs and rats and elephants. wth?

headed back to the galleria to polish off the first floor. started the day off with a trip to the p.o. a little surprise for one of my artist friends.

I was going to get another massage, but then the guy at aveda gave me a cup of tea and asked if I wanted a shoulder rub and heck it was FREE! and it included tea and a chakra reading. go figure!

with the bucks I saved I headed to the food court for a bite to eat. at the bottom of the escalator I was met by a little asian lady who shoved a piece of sushi at me. awesome! so I hit the sushi bar and for $3.95 I had the best darn sushi ever! and I still had money left over so I grabbed a latte.

with my tummy full it was time to do some power shopping. the gap fulfilled my every desire with gap body wear on SALE!

in and out of a few other stores and not a lot of luck or willingness to pay full price for anything.

off to victoria secret for my bra replenishment where GASP! they no longer make my bra! WTF? so I had to spend a half an hour getting in and out of tit slingers and each time the lady came in to check and see that I wasn't spilling over cause apparently that drives her ape shit. ya, well I ain't a big fan either!

so two bras and a FREE t-shirt later and we were outta there! probably the least I have spent in victoria secret -EVER! what can I say? take my bra away and I am not prepared to support ya as much. just sayin'

then off to macy's where I found not ONE, but TWO of the coolest pairs of boots - EVER! what is a girl to do? they were both on sale and sadly I left them both behind. the salesman tried to sway my decision by taking me upstairs to customer service and presenting me with a two day discount card. didn't work dude. boots are a big commitment.

the funny thing was that he had this contraption where he scanned the sku number and entered my name. he could tell right on the spot whether he had the shoe in my size. it also spit out a ticket so that he had a hold tag ready to go. and here I thought remote controls and garage door openers where the epitome of laziness. apparently it has been trumped by the funky cool shoe checker do ma hickey.

tomorrow we head back home. can't wait to see the pups!

*edited
OMG! A KNOCK CAME AT THE DOOR LATE THIS EVENING...

NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS!

DAN AND JILLE!

have ya heard?

of course you have!

you heard it here first!


you're welcome!

it's a beautiful day!


yesterday was a beautiful day. weather wise it was the perfect temperature. not too hot and not too cold. took the train to the mall and headed to my favorite tea shop. they have a variety of teas already brewed for you to sample. yum! I then gave them the challenge of creating the perfect cup of chai so that I could get over my tazo chai latte addiction. this feat was taken on with much enthusiasm and attention, but sadly it was not the same spicy taste I love and adore. I heart you starbucks!

after my disappointment I head to starbucks for my fix and on the way I am stopped by an asian man and his little sidekick. they ask if I want a massage. they had a little set up with massage chairs and so I figured why not! I had some kinks that needed sorting out. holy crap! which is what I said to him when he finished. "you beat the hell out of me" was also part of that re-entry into the land of movement. and I ended with "but it felt good!" the funny part was that while he beat the crap out of me his little sidekick walked around me yapping in a foreign language. I wanted to ask if that was part of the treatment. I then asked if they took visa. sidekick replied with "I like cash" and so I gave her cash and a tip to which she replied "I love you". I wonder if that was part of what she was chanting during her ring around the rosie? nonetheless I think I am headed back there today for another round!

I managed to cover the top floor of the mall in about an hour and a half. I was stalled at macy's where I found this designer O.M.G! beautiful, beautiful, frickin' beautiful! watch the video about the collaboration with this artist

had a lovely lunch of salad rolls here along with this which I have been wanting to sample for a while.

next stop was borders cause obviously I cannot go a week without hitting a bookstore. I love books! my biggest fear is that I will die before I have time to read all the books I want to read.

then I hit target. and hello? there is a frickin' starbucks IN target! WTF? I mean, really! I loved them already! no need to up the ante!

back to the hotel to meet with my sweet for the birthday festivities. I had it all planned that I was going to hire a horse and buggy to take us to the restaurant. well, you know what happened last time michael was near a horse. for those of you who forgot here is a recap.


yeah, that always makes me smile too!

so scratch the horse and buggy idea and take the train. we headed over to landry's for a scrumptious dinner. I sampled a couple of wines before finding one that suited me. yes! I a big girl now and drink wine with my meal. ha, ha!

laurie you would have loved this place! after the appetizer the waiter came around with purell to cleanse and after dinner he had moist towelettes. awesome!

over to the fudgery to get my boy some fudge and call it a night.

and today? well, yup - RAIN! of course I forgot one of my ten umbrellas at home. all purchased in st. louis where it inevitably rains every time we are here. sigh...what color will I choose this year?

meet me in st. louis...

ahhh yes, our annual trip to st. louis. this year is a bit different. a few more things on my mind as I leave the home front and lots of stress release that is making my body revolt. headache, bloating, blotchy skin - oh I am a sight! thank goodness that anyone I meet I will probably never see again.

toss back some drugs and I am heading out the door to visit my favorite local haunts.

tonight a special dinner for a special guy. happy birthday baby!


one step at a time...

you just do it.

you put one foot in front of the other.

you can do it.

I am here for you.

you are not alone.

you are not.

take that first step.

go on now.

now take another.

feeling fuzzy...


not sure which way is up. feeling like our lives are grains of sand in the hourglass and slipping away. quickly. just when I think I have a handle on things and I feel good about my progress I am confronted with the truth. I have lost my grip.

the truth is that I really want to run. I do not want to be making these decisions. why do I have to?

I was putting my make up on this morning. just the basics - mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss. my eyeliner snapped and that was it! no eyeliner today. so will the world end because I have no eyeliner on? I dunno. I will get back to you on that because I have yet to leave the house.

I missed my running group this morning. slept too long. SO tired. worked like a dog yesterday to get things completed. every time I check off an item I feel like I am doing good. something good. finishing something. completion. look - one more thing I did to make life easier.

seriously, nobody cares. really. do you? do you really care if I rearranged dan's room and went through all his stuff? are you going to see it? will it matter to anyone, but me? do you care that I made two different kinds of soup for the four of us so that we have healthy pop in the nuker meals - just in case. then again dad will care about the four dozen mint chocolate chip cookies I made. his favorite.

I am putting off the inevitable. I do not want to deal with it. I do not want to make any more decisions. I do not want to talk to anymore stupid people. I do not want to leave another message for another person to call me back. I do not want to do anymore research. I do not want to read any more pamphlets. I do not want to!

sounds like "green eggs and ham". I do not want to sam I am!

off to pay up lotto with my peeps. if the universe is listening, please pick our damn numbers already! it is not that I need the money it is just that I would like to be able to have some peace of mind when it comes to funds. you know give big poppa a break now and then from bringing home the bacon.

then off to mom and dad's to sign off on the pre-arranged funeral details. it doesn't even rattle me. it is so miniscule for me. THAT - the thought of the end for one of them is not even on my mind.

their LIVING - IS! and so today we talk and talk and we make some calls and we see if I can get these two to a place where they are both happy and healthy. I am not sure what to do and I am going into something without water wings. head first - into the unknown.

I think this calls for some really good coffee. starbucks here I come!

this just gives me chills. enjoy!

"spicy italians" basta cancer!

this little boy still has his mama. thanks to the donations from people like YOU! I wanted to dedicate this post to my cousin tammy and her courage over the last couple of years. she is a trooper. I am in awe of how brave she is.

if you think it won't happen to me, think again. there is no history of breast cancer in the family. none! she was diagnosed at 39 and went on to have a mastectomy, chemo therapy and radiation. we participated in the weekend to end breast cancer 60 km walk and she never complained once. we went on to do the CIBC run a few weeks later and again she was strong.

she was so excited to get her "stripper boob" as she called it and then was hit with the news that she will be unable to have the surgery. complications will prevent this from happening. coupled with a few other scares going on and her mother and father's failing health. she remains strong.

I think of her often when I think of how bad I have it. I give my head a shake and remind myself that this is nothing compared to what she has been through and will continue to go through. I think of her when I am running a race and how I want to quit. she is there on my shoulder reminding me of her strength and determination to beat this disease.

do me a favor. do yourself a favor. do monthly breast self exams. get a mammogram if you are 40 or older. if there is a history of breast cancer in your family - get it now! early detection is the best case scenario.

do me another favor. say a prayer for tammy and think of us this sunday as we walk once again to find a cure for breast cancer.

I set myself a goal of raising $1,000.00 this year. I am halfway there and if you would like to help me get closer to my goal go here and make a difference. let's beat this! thank you!

"believe in your own power to make a difference in your life and the life of others"

beware of "nadia"

seriously! I should be wearing a sign.

mom wanted to have some friends over for lunch and so I made it happen. pulled one of my pre made lasagnas out of the freezer, tossed a salad, a few buns and bingo "lunch". she had a couple of the nasty cream pies (sorry mccains!) and bingo "dessert".

while we are waiting dad is going on and on about he can't cook and how can we do this and what a pain in the ass and so on and so forth. I threw him a towel to cry in and told him to sit down and let me handle the preparation. eventually he sat down and relaxed a bit. he is not really the social type and so I knew he was nervous about that too.

so our guests arrive and basically my job is to make sure that my dad sits and relaxes and has a good time. mom was easy as she is not really able to help anyway and she was content visiting. I serve and sit down to enjoy lunch. and the conversation begins and of course I want to contribute cause heck I am present! it would seem weird if I didn't say something now and then, right? yup, well. we got to this one part and it went something like this:

guest: you are no longer allowed to have communion by mouth anymore because of H1N1.

me: really? interesting.

guest: oh yes! and they have taken away the holy water. oh those poor people were tapping that bowl on sunday. I finally flipped it over.

me: hmmm... ya know, if someone wanted to make a buck they could come up with individual holy waters.

guest: (nothing. crickets)

OH YEAH! I said it OUT LOUD! to people who I really do not know! cripes! I looked at my mom who was knee deep in lasagna and asked her if she would like some more. I turned to dad and asked if he would like more bread. good lord! sorry lord! someone SAVE ME!

then they started saying how wonderful it was to be together and visit. whew!

BUT! c'mon! is it not a wonderful idea? my friend seems to think that we would have to clear it with the pope, but I'm saying we start production of units immediately so that we can have them in place before christmas. are ya in?

and about dad? he didn't stop talking the whole time they were there! hmph! for someone who does not like to socialize he sure had a few things to say. I realized that he too needs to have some social time with other people.

the time away has done wonders for clearing my head and figuring out some strategies and things to investigate for them both. time away from the "eye of the storm" was just what I needed. now if I can just get a filter on my mouth that would be super! amen!

back to reality...



saturday we had melissa's and I am still coming down from the high. the plan was to walk. the plan changed. see when you take two people who have not run a lick since last december. two people who have had enough crap thrown at them to fill a small village. two people who have been so wound up from stress.

well, you end up with two people who are ready to spontaneously combust! and so we decided in our brief moment of insanity that we were gonna run and run we did. I swear that no one could have removed the smiles from our faces. I am sure people thought we were on drugs and we kind of were. you see we both love to run. we love the outdoors and we were running the mountains people! talk about beautiful!



would we recommend not training for a 10 km and then taking off in a sprint? absolutely not! we were sore and thankfully we know the recovery tricks and so we are fairing pretty well. and as far as insane? oh yeah! we are already talking about our next race.

do one thing a day that scares you...



ahhhh...

today was a day of first's for michael. although I don't think even he could have imagined the adventure that lay ahead of him. coupled with my eek's and ahhh's and sobbing I am sure he had a better time in mind.

we went on the gondola ride


and he giggled like a little girl while I squealed like a pig. I was terrified, but I did it for him. I knew he would really enjoy it and that he did. he took some awesome pictures from the observation deck and me? well, I stuck close to the wall so my pictures are less than awesome.

and if that wasn't enough he also tasted his first bubble tea


and I giggled like a little girl when he slurped up his first bubble. good times...

excuse me "deer"...

yup, we are in deer country. aka bear country, elk country, moose country and well just absolutely beautiful country.

I love the mountains. love the fresh air, love the scenery and there is nothing like sitting outside and having lunch right smack in the middle of it all. yum!

spent the day walking around soaking in the sights and the beautiful sunshine. is it really the end of september? c'mon! tonight we decided to see this. very good!

and NOW? tub time!


a lot can happen in 15 minutes...

just checked in to the hotel.

they have a little gift bag for me. WTH? bath salts, a loofah, bath gel, make up remover pads, q-tips and a cotton pad. I'm calling it a "whore" bag. momma please forgive me, but that is the first thing that came to mind.

so we get to our room and are settling in. settling in to me means taking your pants off and chilling out. so there I am in my panties when I hear a knock on the door. "housekeeping!" WTH? I jump to get my pants back on as they walk right in and hand over a couple of chocolate chip cookies. WTH? which again I think of "whore" snacks?

laurie and I stayed at this hotel before and I don't remember the gift bag or the cookies. which leads me to believe that when I was in the shower she ate the cookies and hid the gift bag. that WHORE!

not sure what is going to happen next so I am keeping my pants on. ciao!

everything if fine, really...

honestly, I not have drinking been.

joey with his bandage

I feel the need to start out this post with that statement. mostly for me so that I reaffirm to myself that everything IS fine. sober or otherwise.

in other words...

IT COULD BE WORSE.

let's wrap up the week, shall we?

this week was beautiful as far as the weather goes. I really wish I had spent more time laying outside in the sun, but hey.

the week started out fair with a wonderful walk in the river valley and art with a friend.

and my mother having two falls. one while holding a pot of hot oil. oh lord! her forearms and knees are now bandaged and she is not allowed to cook anymore. big sigh.

took the dogs for a grooming and was gobsmacked at the bill. I was told that if they participated in the "pampered pet" program that they would pay a reduce rate. perfect! how does that work? you bring your pets in every six weeks. are you fucking kidding me? I don't even get pampered every six weeks. b - bye!

that same day I am feeling sick because I figure that cheese can only hurt me - sometimes. yeah, okay - ALL THE TIME! so in my cheese hangover I take "little joe" to school where we both fail miserably. he does not care that I have every treat under the sun. nor does he care to acknowledge me when I call his name or swear at him. nothing! crickets!

so wednesday I pick myself up, dust myself off and head out for my wednesday morning habit. everything goes well. everyone listens to me whine and reassures me that I am normal and so is joey.

normal? the afternoon is spent at the vet where joey gets his blood taken to check some wonky stuff they found last month. he freaks out not at the needle, but as the alcohol hit his paw. grow up! so he gets a blue bandage for being a brave pup. sparky gets checked to see if there is any help we can get him for his aching body. so two blood tests and $100.00 later we find out that sparky will need an ultra sound ($400.00) to find out more information. joey could also use an ultrasound ($400.00 more) , but because he is so young and not exhibiting any signs of distress we are going to let him go and check him again in four months.

thursday morning I wake up with determination to knock off some items of the ever ending list. window washing, house cleaning, purge unused items etc. day is flying along and much progress is being made with many cross outs on the list. yay! call from dad to say that someone (who?) is coming tomorrow to see mom at 1:00 pm.

friday morning I continue with the cleaning before I run off to mom and dad's where shortly after my arrival a nurse comes and announces that she is mom's nurse. huh? homecare. wha? she will be coming in three times a week. seriously? we are asked many questions. house tour and before I rush off to my appointment we have organized respite for dad and are getting information about subsidized cleaning. WHAT THE HELL?

WHO CALLED THESE PEOPLE?

whoa, back up nelly! a few months ago I was quite confused as to who I was speaking to and who was coming out to see us and after many phone calls I was still confused. we had someone come out to do a equipment assessment and I thought that was it. I made more phone calls and was ratted out to a social worker. honestly after that I was afraid to make any more phone calls. I am also a bit timid when it comes to answering the door. I am thinking at any moment that they will come to take me and lock me up. for what I am not certain.

here is the thing. the thing is that I am welcoming the locking up. honestly and I am being honest with you now. I could really use a little break!

so let's summarize. ma is good, dad is good, pups are stable and I am packed and ready to go! CHEERS!

have you seen this?



kewl!

today...


*1846: Elias Howe patents the first practical sewing machine and threads his way into the fabric of history.

*2009: hearing people comment on the leaves changing color. shut up people! I recognize that they are pretty and I am all in with feeling the leaves crunch under my feet, but whoa! let me enjoy the rest of my sunshine filled days in peace!

already I am wincing at the thought of "falling back". pfftt! I say! and therefore am already checking out beaches to escape to. yes, I realize that I already escaped to the beach once this year, but have you seen my year? yeah! me, sun, sand beneath my toes and the sound of the surf is my sanctuary.

speaking of beautiful sounds...


dan & jille had a little gig before they left for their cross canada adventure and it was awesome. the opening act for the evening was a local musician. the name of the band is "dear (your name here)"

you can find them on i-tunes too. I am loving their "a speck of white" album right now. go support a local!

missing dan playing his guitar and singing...

note to self (aka dumb ASS!)

1. do not talk to the next door neighbor who hates dogs about how much you still miss max.

2. do not watch "oprah's viewers favorites" when you are seconds away from your monthly gift.

both of these left me in a puddle of tears.

now on to the good things about 09/09/09:

I went for a long walk with joey to simmer down after the neighbors comments about max upset me. during our walk I was practicing some commands that we learned at puppy school and this man came over and sat down beside us. my first thought was "oh god, please do not light a cigarette or I may die or ask you for one".

he sat down and admired joey and started to tell me about how he had to let his "best friend" go in march. me too! "she had cancer" he said. mine too! he went on "oh they are wonderful creatures who are always there and who love us no matter what". "I miss her every day" he said. we talked some more and off he went. the whole time I was thinking that this was one of those moments when that lady from "touched by an angel" came to send me an angel to remind me that there are good things and to focus on those when I feel down and defeated.

then I get back home and felt better for a bit. then I watched oprah and then the tears started again.

then another bright reminder of good things. I received a phone call from a lady that mom used to work for and she was asking how mom was and what the diagnosis was and how we were coping. she had just called mom to ask her out to lunch on friday with her and a few other of mom's past clients. I thanked her very much for taking time to pick mom up for a "ladies lunch" and told her how much mom loved going out with the girls. reminded her how dad and I are not really the social type and how mom is. of course she knows this and loves mom to pieces and misses her so much. she ended the conversation with "if there is ever anything you need, ever! please do not hesitate to call me. I will drop everything and be there for you".

wow! more tears, but good ones!

so in light of 09/09/09 we shed some tears, talked to some very kind people and got our monthly gift.

I would say that was cause for celebration so I have good coffee in hand and a cake baking in the oven.

just missing my boy(s), I guess....

how was your 09/09/09?

today's ten beautiful things...

-my ten-

inspired by rachel:

1. my son's voice (thank god for rogers fave five!)



2. good chai lattes
3. cozy sweaters
4. cameras with built in video
5. great pens
6. comfy sandals
7. new underwear
8. a kewl purse in a beautiful color
9. a husband who cooks! (and leftovers!)
10. puppy snuggles and kisses

what are your ten beautiful things for today?

we weren't born to follow!


just when I thought all life had for me was lemons!

raise your glasses and join me in a toast!

jon left me a message yesterday...he's coming back to see ME!

life is good....real good!

hey MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did she say "do your puppies want a treat?

To a true artist only that face is beautiful which, quite apart from its exterior, shines with the truth within the soul

-mahatma gandhi

the world is spinning around. days like today make me dizzy. so much whirling in my life right now. trying to get back into some sort of routine. a phone call stops any form of progress. wishing I could just get to it and not be disturbed. then again it is the disturbance that prevents me from uncovering the cold hard truth. the pain comes and goes like the sun today. to face what is real can be hard. living in la la land for brief moments is a welcome escape from reality. dreaming of what is to come. why wait? if you want your life to be a certain way than find a way to make it happen - NOW!

I'm trying. trying to be more positive. trying to be more accepting. trying to be patient. trying to ask for what I need. trying to learn more. trying to be calm.

someone suggested I meditate and so I popped a meditation cd in the other day. oh gosh, had it for a while along with the timer, pillow and mala. was going to meditate every day. take a break and be silent and shut off my mind. managed to do it three times last week and it felt incredible. I did it in the afternoon and it seemed to help calm me before the evening rush.

trying to live more at peace with myself and whatever life throws at me. taking each challenge as a chance to grow and learn. when I run into someone I haven't seen for awhile I am really trying to not focus on all the downs of late, but rather celebrate in how we all pulled through and are moving forward. we still have speed bumps and things to figure out. we will always have those I think.

be kind to yourself today. you are beautiful!