not sure which way is up. feeling like our lives are grains of sand in the hourglass and slipping away. quickly. just when I think I have a handle on things and I feel good about my progress I am confronted with the truth. I have lost my grip.
the truth is that I really want to run. I do not want to be making these decisions. why do I have to?
I was putting my make up on this morning. just the basics - mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss. my eyeliner snapped and that was it! no eyeliner today. so will the world end because I have no eyeliner on? I dunno. I will get back to you on that because I have yet to leave the house.
I missed my running group this morning. slept too long. SO tired. worked like a dog yesterday to get things completed. every time I check off an item I feel like I am doing good. something good. finishing something. completion. look - one more thing I did to make life easier.
seriously, nobody cares. really. do you? do you really care if I rearranged dan's room and went through all his stuff? are you going to see it? will it matter to anyone, but me? do you care that I made two different kinds of soup for the four of us so that we have healthy pop in the nuker meals - just in case. then again dad will care about the four dozen mint chocolate chip cookies I made. his favorite.
I am putting off the inevitable. I do not want to deal with it. I do not want to make any more decisions. I do not want to talk to anymore stupid people. I do not want to leave another message for another person to call me back. I do not want to do anymore research. I do not want to read any more pamphlets. I do not want to!
sounds like "green eggs and ham". I do not want to sam I am!
off to pay up lotto with my peeps. if the universe is listening, please pick our damn numbers already! it is not that I need the money it is just that I would like to be able to have some peace of mind when it comes to funds. you know give big poppa a break now and then from bringing home the bacon.
then off to mom and dad's to sign off on the pre-arranged funeral details. it doesn't even rattle me. it is so miniscule for me. THAT - the thought of the end for one of them is not even on my mind.
their LIVING - IS! and so today we talk and talk and we make some calls and we see if I can get these two to a place where they are both happy and healthy. I am not sure what to do and I am going into something without water wings. head first - into the unknown.
I think this calls for some really good coffee. starbucks here I come!