some days your the peep

yesterday I felt just like this poor peep. all run over and squished with my insides open and oozing. oh the day started out fine enough. mom had a opthamologist appointment and I couldn't see the point of returning to the eye doctor yet again to be told that there was nothing they could do and she needed to blink more. we have made several trips there back and forth in the last couple of years and with her condition there is little they can do. except this time it was her doctor requesting the appointment and wanting a report of the findings.

so back to me. I have been watching the oprah life class on tour series this week and the first three episodes had me in a puddle of tears with a pile of kleenex beside me. was it the people she pulled up on stage or the fact that I could relate to the lesson? I'm sure we could all relate to the lessons. stopping the pain, living fearlessly, living with purpose and the power of forgiveness. sound like stuff you have thought about it or dealt with? yes, uh huh.

all of the lessons had me thinking, which is good. I like television that makes you think and I miss "that" kind of television. so me thinks that I should probably try and put some of these lessons to the test. what could it hurt? really? I could try to tell my mom that I love her and give her a kiss every time I see her. yeah, I could do that. I could forgive her for that which she did or did not do and sum it up to - she did the best she could with what she had. ok.

I head out yesterday morning with oprah in my pocket and a smile on my face. I am going to get through this appointment and even surprise mom with lunch out. "oh happy day" ringing in my ear. actually it was rhianna or something on the radio, but it was catchy.

I arrive at the home and dad is calling me on my cell. no doubt wanting to know where I am. I enter mom's room and the first thing out of my dad's mouth is "we're late!" to which I reply, "no, we're not, just relax" and then turn to mom to say hello and give her a peck on the forehead. she looks tired and weak. after lifting her out of her chair, getting her coat on and fluffing up her hair a bit we start out. dad is bitching the whole time down the hallway, "put your head down, look down, jesus maria look down" and trying to force her head down at the same time. here is my theory and I am no doctor but if you kept yelling at me to do something that was next to impossible for me to do, but I could do it, with patience and calm and probably not with YOU YELLING AT ME TO PUT MY HEAD DOWN! whew!

it just continued. in the car he tells me he has brought her glasses. her glasses? she never wears those dad. yeah, but she probably needs too. apparently when I turned around for a quick second dad went off and acquired a degree. we arrive at the appointment. I'm driving of course and so I try to get as close to the door as possible to drop her off. dropping her off means lifting her out of the truck and getting her set up with her walker. all the while making sure she doesn't all of the sudden topple. she ain't no weeble! this one does fall down!

so the appointment actually went really well. mom's eyes have actually improved. seems like life at "the home" has helped her eyes. with the consistent use of the eye drops and dark glasses and probably the humidity level too her eyes look healthy. shazam!

heading back out to the truck I ask dad to pull it around to the front. "do you got her?, hang on to her!, she's gonna fall!" ok, there is that yelling again and yes I have her! I am not a complete moron and if she falls on my watch it will be a complete accident and not intentional although I was having thoughts of how to silence HIM!

as I am lifting mom into the truck which is really no easy feat. thank goodness the women tips the scale at just over a hundred, but I am small and the truck is big! dad is no help other than his bitching and wanting to get in there and do it and then have more reason to complain about his back. so along comes a perfect stranger who says "oh if she used her other foot it would be easier". yes I KNOW that, I say, but her right leg is stronger. she goes on "well, I used to do this for a living and I had four aging parents that I took care of and..." yes, thank you I say and proceed to pick up mom's little body and place her in the seat as gently as I can all the while hearing the lady say "it probably would be easier if you put her butt in first and then someone on the other side could pull her in". really? to which I reply "well, there is no someone to be on the other side - there is just me". she finishes with "oh yes, of course. well, I just don't want you hurting yourself or anything". I reply with, thank you, I appreciate your concern and thank you for your help knowing full well that I probably sounded like a bomb getting ready to explode. just hissing....

back in the truck where dad starts in about who was this lady and why the hell was she stopped and talking and so on and so forth. mom asks who this lady was and I say she was a friendly stranger wanting to lend a hand and offer some advice. no harm in that and mom agrees. now off to the surprise lunch where again I park in front of the door. easier for me to lift mom out, but also another excuse for dad to yell at me. "oh, jesus christ, well, ok, just take her in and pick the most convenient table". he doesn't pull the walker out and so basically I am taking mom into the restaurant with her on my shoes. kind of like when you were little and used to stand on your dad's feet to dance with him. sigh....

dad walks in after parking the truck and apparently I have failed again cause I picked the table closest to the door. what was I thinking? well, I was thinking that you told me to pick the most convenient table and seeing as I literally carried your wife in here cause you didn't want to unload the walker again, well, hell ya I picked this table. lunch is ordered. we are at ma and pa's fave fish and chip place. they always order the $10 meal of cod and chips. I order halibut cause I like the taste better than cod but more than $10. eating commences after I cut up mom's fish and am quite fine with her eating with her fingers. but then it happens, sometimes you see it coming and you are diving in slow motion like those guys do on tv as they are yelling NOOOOOOOOOOO! but it's too late. she sneezes all over my plate. poor mama. between dad's bitching and mom's sneezing I have lost my appetite. lucky for me I scooted my coleslaw over the side and took a few bites of it. hit the bathroom and when I returned dad asks me why I order the halibut. I like the taste better I tell him. he says well it tastes the same to me. I just tried some of yours and actually it is a bit chewier than ours. WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I say well then I guess the next time I will order cod seeing as it tastes the same or is it the fact that the halibut is more expensive that bothers you? no, no, no he says, I told you to order whatever you wanted. ok, well, then shut the hell up mister! of course I didn't vocalize that last part to my dad. I just smiled, but what I really wanted to do was cry. I felt like he ran me over and then came back and stepped on me to make sure I wasn't moving. turns out his fish and chip buddy charged us all $10 and so my expensive halibut choice did not break his cod loving bank after all. oh please let this end I cried to myself.

we got mom back to the home. we settled her in. he kept on about something else. something about dan and what is he doing? when is he going to settle down, buy a house, save some money? I say, dan is happy and he is doing what he loves and he is supporting himself. I think that is wonderful dad. hmm mph. throughout this whole day I am hacking up a lung, blowing my nose to smithers and wind up with a bleeding nose as I place mom back into her wheelchair. at no point did either of them ask if I was ok or had been to the doctor about that nasty cough or oh my your nose is bleeding let me help you out. I kissed mom on the forehead and told her I loved her. I said I would. I wanted too. I needed too. I would hate for ANYONE to feel how unloved I felt at that moment.

as I am bolting to my car dad is on my heels. still going on and on about something. I stopped listening, I was done, I came, I did and stick a fork in me - D.O.N.E, done, done. I wanted to turn around and yell at him - do you know dad that every time I see my son or talk to him I tell him how lucky I am and how much I love him and how proud I am of him. he is not perfect, no. none of us are, but he is the best there is and I want him to know it and I want him to feel it from the top of his head to the tips of his toes that he is loved - unconditionally - LOVED. he will never have to wonder if I love him or is he making me proud or do I think what he is doing is good. he will never have to hear me say that he never calls me or how much I need him. he will be free to live his life as he sees fit and as long as he is happy and smiling, I too am happy. I didn't say it though I just kept walking and could feel the tears coming on. I said good bye.

look how friggin happy dan is hanging out in a tree in golden gate park! back home I munch on a fortune cookie and my fortune reads "try a new system or a different approach" and I giggle through the tears.

making wishes come true...

yesterday was quite a day. what happened at ma and pa's house is something that in all of my life has NEVER happened.

ma had one wish for her birthday. she wanted to bring treats to her day program to share. kind of like a kid in school. so cute. I suggested cupcakes as that way no one had to worry about cutting cake and you could measure out portions easily. little did I know what I was getting myself into.

first off you must know that ma likes to watch daily mass at 10 am. so while she was praying up a storm I was busy in the kitchen mixing and baking. dad went to check on her to see if she was ready to come upstairs and after both of them were gone for awhile I went and checked on them.

I interrupted them watching maury and was "ssshhed" so that we could all find out whether or not the man was the father to the woman's three children. turns out the first two were his and the last one was not at which point my father calls her a "putana". ah yes! I could not believe that they were wasting living moments on this, but was impressed by what maury said about loving his non-biological children as much as his biological children so I guess I got something out of it too.

so we get mom back upstairs where the cupcake factory is in full swing and she wants the tv on because it is now time for the price is right. shoot me now! I humor her for awhile and then set up the cupcake decorating station for her at the table. I scold her for licking her fingers while decorating and then decide I am not the one eating the cupcakes so go for it! it felt like I was working with children. dad is running around swearing about the mess of icing and then I pull out the sprinkles. well! more swearing, but then apparently the poor helpless females that we were needed help and so he decided to become the "sprinkle master". so there we were the three of us doing the unheard of in our house. three of us working together on a common goal. to fulfill mom's wish of treats for her group.

I pulled out my camera quick because I knew this was a memory that needed to be documented. as a child I was either with my dad working in his shop building stuff or off with my friends. mom and I did not bake together and there was certainly no cupcake, icing or sprinkles to play with. I sometimes think of how sad it is that she is slowly losing who she is and was and then there are days like yesterday that make me smile.

she may not be able to do all the things she used to do like cleaning, cooking, being independent and running here there and everywhere while the rest of us were exhausted watching her. I guess moments like this I realize that she had it in her this whole time. the ability to let go and be more relaxed and be silly and lick her fingers and make a mess. either that or she is oblivious to the whole thing. who knows!

regardless I know that it was a pretty special day and I had to pinch myself to see if I was really living it.
and when I asked dad if we should go into the cupcake business? well, more swearing, but I know he had fun too cause he hung around and helped out.

being an only child has it's moments!

that's me in the middle of ma and pa. I have been in the middle of these two since I took my first breath. dad always said "everything for nadia" in reference to my mom giving me too much. funny thing is that mom always said "you are too soft" to dad when he would break my punishment and let me go for a bike ride anyway.

I remember crawling into bed (in the middle) with them and we would just chat. then mom would snap back to reality and off she would run to make coffee and get the day started. mom was always running around taking care of us. dad was always making stuff or fixing things and he spent a lot of time keeping me out of mom's hair.

nowadays though mom is the one we are taking care of and that is pretty different for all of us. she still wants to take care of us and her way of doing that is to tell us what to do. she still wants special occasions to be special and now just lists off what she would like and we try and make it happen. of course dad is not really into any big celebrating or attention of any sort and so he pretty much steps aside.

so that puts me smack in the middle! of course! I try to keep him happy, but not making a big fuss and keeping things running smoothly, quietly and as stress free as possible. for her I try to make her laugh and do things that I know she would like done, but dad doesn't see the point in doing.

so this morning as we are sitting in the doctor's office about to discuss treatments for her breast cancer I am once again in the middle.

dad is talking about how mom needs to listen to him and not slam down in the chair when she sits. mom says yeah, yeah, yeah as she waves her arm in the air "don't you need to go outside". her way of momentarily "taking care of him". he gets to leave the situation and go have a cigarette. so he leaves and I am digging for some paper and a pen ready to take notes. mom turns to me and says "so about our 50th wedding anniversary". huh? "I want to invite..." and she starts to list the people. I have pen and paper in hand so I start writing down the names. "and if you call the mayor I think he will send something". huh? "I think we need to make invitations. what do you think?"

what do "I" think? I think that if this was not my life I would not believe this conversation. we are at the cross cancer institute about to discuss radiation treatments on my little mama who has already been through so much and she wants to plan a party! huh!

dad returns and the party planning stops. she doesn't want him to know. she either doesn't want him to know cause she wants to surprise him (something that is next to impossible cause "hello" he is the driver!) or she does not want him to poo poo the idea because after all dad does not like attention. and there I am looking back and forth between the two of them (kind of like a tennis match) and I smile.

I smile because despite our struggles, our dysfunctions, mistakes and disagreements I am pretty darn lucky. lucky to have both of them still together for 50 years! whoa! and being in the middle is just fine with me and being an only child only makes it sweeter cause "I" am the one who gets the good, bad and the ugly all too myself!

and all kidding aside there are people whose lives have been forever changed in the last couple of weeks and I can only imagine the hell that they are going through. go hug your loved ones and be thankful for every moment.

feeling fuzzy...

not sure which way is up. feeling like our lives are grains of sand in the hourglass and slipping away. quickly. just when I think I have a handle on things and I feel good about my progress I am confronted with the truth. I have lost my grip.

the truth is that I really want to run. I do not want to be making these decisions. why do I have to?

I was putting my make up on this morning. just the basics - mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss. my eyeliner snapped and that was it! no eyeliner today. so will the world end because I have no eyeliner on? I dunno. I will get back to you on that because I have yet to leave the house.

I missed my running group this morning. slept too long. SO tired. worked like a dog yesterday to get things completed. every time I check off an item I feel like I am doing good. something good. finishing something. completion. look - one more thing I did to make life easier.

seriously, nobody cares. really. do you? do you really care if I rearranged dan's room and went through all his stuff? are you going to see it? will it matter to anyone, but me? do you care that I made two different kinds of soup for the four of us so that we have healthy pop in the nuker meals - just in case. then again dad will care about the four dozen mint chocolate chip cookies I made. his favorite.

I am putting off the inevitable. I do not want to deal with it. I do not want to make any more decisions. I do not want to talk to anymore stupid people. I do not want to leave another message for another person to call me back. I do not want to do anymore research. I do not want to read any more pamphlets. I do not want to!

sounds like "green eggs and ham". I do not want to sam I am!

off to pay up lotto with my peeps. if the universe is listening, please pick our damn numbers already! it is not that I need the money it is just that I would like to be able to have some peace of mind when it comes to funds. you know give big poppa a break now and then from bringing home the bacon.

then off to mom and dad's to sign off on the pre-arranged funeral details. it doesn't even rattle me. it is so miniscule for me. THAT - the thought of the end for one of them is not even on my mind.

their LIVING - IS! and so today we talk and talk and we make some calls and we see if I can get these two to a place where they are both happy and healthy. I am not sure what to do and I am going into something without water wings. head first - into the unknown.

I think this calls for some really good coffee. starbucks here I come!