twenty two years

it was twenty two years ago today when we made our way to the hospital for your birth.  you were two weeks late and still quite comfortable in your cocoon so they had to induce me.  I remember the doctor breaking my water.  "not much there" she said.  I worried that you would be all wrinkly from the lack of fluid.  is it ok that there isn't that much fluid?  I was not brave enough to ask those kinds of questions back then.  I was just twenty five and so unsure of my own skin that I wasn't sure how I was going to be a mother.

the day went on trying to urge you to come.  we walked the halls.  checked how many centimetres and back to the bed.  up and down and all around, but nothing.  I remember listening to the other mothers across the hall wailing and screaming bloody murder.  I thought to myself that is not going to be me.  we are all good right now.  and then the first contraction came and I thought I would die right then and there.  it was strong and hard and whoa!  "what the hell?" I yelled!  the nurse came and assured me that we were on our way.  the contractions had begun and we were in it.  okay, I was in it and everyone else was running around getting machines and instruments ready and calling the doctor and your father was calling the family.  oh he was so excited to see you.  he called you "eddy" from the moment we found out I was pregnant.  I kept telling him there was no way we were calling you "eddy".

the doctor came and it became apparent that she would be unable to deliver you.  they needed to call in another doctor.  what?  I held on to my tummy, to you, trying to reassure you that we would be fine.  laying in the bed feeling absolutely helpless and half naked I turned into a mother bear.  I never knew it would come like that, but it did.  that mother instinct that people talk about.  hurt my baby and your ass is mine!  the second doctor came in and then an entourage of nurses.  it was so crowded.  push!  oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.  the baby is not moving.  forceps!  no!  OH MY GOD!  the pain that went down my leg was so unbearable that I screamed wildly and no one knew what was happening.  there was a pause and then the doctor said if I didn't give one last good push that we were headed to a C section.

and I think at that moment you and I were ready to release from each other.  I believe that you stayed inside me for as long as you could so that we would both be ready to walk this world independently.  your birth brought forth a fire in me that I never knew I had.  the strength and courage that came afterwards changed the course of our lives forever.

and so you came.  you didn't cry.  you just looked at me with a look of "hey ma, what the hell?"  oh I cried.  I cried at how beautiful you were.  I cried while I counted your fingers and toes and stroked your cheek where they caught you with the forceps.  you were so tiny.

and here we are today, twenty two years later.  from the moment you were born I have been overjoyed at watching you move in this world.  your first word, your first step and all the firsts.  all that we have been through together and how through it all you have grown into an amazing man.  from your first inhale I knew that the world had no idea what was coming and you have made me proud throughout.  thank you for choosing me to be your mother.  thank you for so many beautiful moments and memories.  thank you for learning from me and teaching me.  thank you for being - YOU!  

live while you live

long, long ago in a house far away from here I began this canvas. It is huge! 30" x 40". I started out one day by collaging papers onto the surface and then it sat. there were other things to be done.

before we moved I hit it with some gesso and there it sat. a few weeks later and I applied the yellow and there it sat. it is a piece that has pulled me in and the patience that I had with this piece is unlike any I've had before. I don't know why. then I found the words and scribbled them on some scrap paper. over and over they repeated themselves to me.

my son turned 21 a few months ago and we had a conversation about life and dreams. I love these talks. we can go for hours discussing dreams, plans and out of this world desires. as he revealed some of his goals to me I found myself listening to him and hearing myself. it was surreal. he is so excited about life and exploring the world and sharing his music. I adore that drive, but what it lacked was the next step. take the next step. jump in! go for it! do it! OMG! I was talking to myself! I was gobsmacked as they say.

this conversation stuck with me and I even talked to others about how it seemed like I was giving him the nudge to move forward with no fear and yet here I was feet firmly planted in the ground. I talked the talk well enough, but I needed to start walking the walk.

he inspired me to try something that I have put on the back burner for quite awhile. a couple of days after our conversation I walked the walk right into moksha yoga. I signed up for the 30 day challenge.

what have I done?

you signed up for the 30 day challenge...

yes, but what if I can't do it?

you can and you will...

but what if I miss a day?

you will try to not do that...

and so it began. of course, as they, say when you are busy making plans god laughs. mom ended up in the hospital and so the challenge was really on.

and that was over 30 days ago. I missed one day. the day that we readmitted mom to the hospital was the only day I missed. to make up for the missed day I did two yoga classes in one day. thus completing 30 classes in 30 days and I am still going strong.

throughout the 30 days things kept getting thrown at me. oh here, take this! lie down on the mat and breathe. wham, dog gets sick. breathe. a friend's sister dies suddenly. return to the breath. and so on and so on. I took each unexpected thing thrown at me and decided that my self care was SO important right now and my example of completing a goal till the end was something that I needed to prove to myself and show my son. there were many times in class when the instructor would say focus on something that will guide you today. I focused on my son. he guided me. he believed in me like I believed in him and now I needed to start believing in myself.

with all that has been thrown at me lately I have come to love these words "live while you live". to me it means that you should just do it. why wait? so as I plow forward trying to find balance in the chaos I know that I have done what I thought was impossible. I proved it to myself that I could step forward and keep on going. sure, sure there will be times when I step back. I am still cautious and there are still those voices telling me that I can't, but the drive to try is bigger now. I've learned patience and I've felt calm and I am determined to find out what else is out there waiting for me.

missing you...

dan has left the building...

yup...

my baby moved out and left me in a puddle of tears...

oh I held back in front of him...

assured him that I was no less than proud as a peacock with him and for all that he has accomplished in his life and mostly in the last year. he found himself a house full of character which is what I always wished would rub off on him. I wanted him to head out into that big world with some simplicity in his pocket. that life is not about the things you buy, but about the things you make. you can buy a house, but you make a home.

watching him load up his things and head out the door filled me with so many emotions. years of memories under this roof. many a video game was played sitting on that green rug. gingerbread houses built on that table. rocking him to sleep in that chair. holding him tight when he wanted to run away. much yelling of "MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOM!". loads of tea was sipped. years of homework. reading books together in bed and most recently playing video games. banging drums and piano playing. writing songs and recording them with his solo band. creating halloween costumes. playing swords. cooking fabulous meals for us. beanie babies and land before time. band aids and body odor. many chats about what was troubling him and what his dreams are.

I have been the lucky one throughout his life. I have been able to be there in those moments of his firsts. his first breath was the greatest gift ever and from that moment on I was excited for each new day. I have loved watching him grow up and become who he is and I so look forward to all that he has yet to do.

I will miss him buckets. I will miss his guitar playing and singing heard throughout the house. I will miss his hug and kiss and I love you before he leaves the house.

I will be sad.

just a little.

I will miss more moments than I would like , but gosh I have many to hold in my heart.

I wish you much joy my son. I wish for you a home filled with love, honesty and laughter. keep singing, keep smiling and keep dreaming. you are amazing in every way. never be less than you can be and never stop loving life!

love you more...

xoxo

mom

finally...

moments that make me smile...

whassup?

update on "sparky" the wonder dog. blood test came back clear and we are now trying a round of antibiotics and digestive meds. after this back for another blood test. if they figure out why his hips are so wide I may ask my doctor for the same test! HA!

and then we have this little gem:



my one and only baby...turned eighteen yesterday! yikes! seems like just yesterday that I was holding him in my arms for the first time. he didn't cry while I held him. he just looked at me with this "wth mamma" look and I looked at him with the "wth kid" look. he looked as scared as I felt. I became responsible for his life. he became my reason for living. I changed from that moment on. he came first above all. I did all I could do to make sure that he had the best life I could give him. I made choices that have affected both of our lives tremendously and all in the effort to ensure that he grew up feeling safe and secure.

we have been through a lot him and I. he has had more to deal with in his life time than he should have. he has grown into an incredible young man. he is bright, confident, and the guy that you want on your team. very loyal to his family and friends. funny, creative and grounded. he still has a long way to go and hopefully with one foot in front of the other will make good choices. I am so proud of you baby!

children are with us for a short time and then they are off on their own adventure and dan is gonna have one hell of a life. whatever he decides to do I have told him that he will do it "big". that's just the way he rolls...

and here he is in his most recent shot:



happy birthday baby! enjoy each moment and keep on being you!

listen...

YAY ME! finally!

try

been trying to upload a music video of dan....hmmmmm....

friday the 13th?

been gone awhile.  lots happening around here.  my cousin made it through her surgery and will hopefully be home tomorrow.   keep up the good thoughts/prayers for her please.  they are working!  she amazes me with her courage.  go mary!

mom went for her first treatment and dad said not to say anything to her, but he thinks she is walking better.  cute.

and me?  still not doing the dairy or the gluten and will continue without for at least a couple of months.  I feel 100% better and I hate to whine....but I miss pizza!  just sayin'.  I found some lactose free cheese today and bought some italian salami.  I didn't want to chance it today as I am teaching tomorrow.  I may try to make a pizza concoction on Sunday eve and see how it goes.

dan has decided to join the blog world.  check it out!

send him some love!  he has had a rough week.  lots to juggle and make sense of.  dealing with things that even grown ups have a hard time understanding.  love you dude!  maybe you could make me the pizza?

sparky has surgery on his eye and is resting comfortably and running into everything and everybody with his elizabethan collar.  max has the scars to prove it.  poor pups.

thinking a lot about life and time and lack of.  priorities and choices.  time wasters and stress.  tons to think about and sort out.   I want it different.  I am going to be changing things up.   no messing with what is working, but weeding out the bad, the useless and the downright yuck out of my life.  it's time.  with all that has happened in the last year it makes you stop and say hey!  hey you!  ya you!  cut that shit out!  just be and let 'IT' be okay.  laurie bought me this shirt last year that says "it is ok" and it is.  I'm just aching right now - shine on baby, shine on!

time flies, enjoy the ride...

from this....



to this...



in the blink of an eye!

friday night the grad banquet was awesome. loved watching them all dressed up and enjoying being together. of course the boys were ready to party asap! the parents came together and it was great. I knew the day would come. I wanted it to happen. for him. and it finally did. and it couldn't have been better.

saturday night I attended a surprise baby shower at treasured memories for anam. a weekend that started with the end of high school and into the celebration of a new life.

I love pregnant women. can I just say that? love their beauty. the glow of their skin. anam was glowing and so beautiful. just think about it for a minute. a new life inside her that she is nurturing and holding till the day of arrival into this big beautiful world. how kewl is that? maybe it is because I have one child and thought I would have more. I enjoyed my pregnancy and loved being pregnant. I just wish I would have stopped and lived more in the moment and appreciated it. I was at a rough time in my life. I did what I had to do to make it. one day at a time. I guess that is why when I see new mom's I remind them to enjoy every single second. it flies by and it is precious. enjoy the bumps along the road.

dan said "what now?" "school is over and then what?" he has no immediate plans to attend school or travel so I think he kind of felt lost. I told him to look at it as a new beginning. HIS life and how he will now carve his own path. whatever he decides to do he will do with passion. I love the man he has become and am confident that this next step in his life will be a RIDE! enjoy it dan!

this left feels right!

observe sherlock! the L and the R on this pair of socks was clearly put there for a reason. yes! there is some sort of cushioning, gait, suspension, corn preventing, bunion blasting reason that they are labeled. of course when you are ME and it is early (very early) and you are running out of the house to get on your bike and pedal to meet your f.r.e.d. peeps and go for a run you tend to just pull the damn socks on and GO!

let's back track shall we? monday the doc asks me if I am under any stress. YES! is there anyway of getting rid of this stress? , he says. I say no because their names are mom and dad. unless you want to take care of them doctor I am on my own. he actually thought about it for a moment and my heart skipped a beat at the thought that he was almost in. almost....

so he recommends that to relieve my stress I should do some walking. some moving, some fun stuff, relax and enjoy. in with the good air, out with the bad. I say, uh, ya, okay! so in addition to running three oh four times a week and doing resistance training three times a week and throw in a yoga class and oh how about boxing for shits and giggles you want me to DO MORE? I see! ooooooooKAY! so why not park the car, save the environment and grab your bike! WEEEEEEE!

I meet up with my friend and we start biking and for some reason I am struggling. I start saying things to myself like, you suck, you ARE a fat ass, you have no business biking with the likes of Val - queen of the bike. she stops to wait for me and I apologize. she thinks I am apologizing for not keeping up. oh no! I am saying sorry for whatever I did, whatever I said, whatever I didn't do because apparently I have pissed you off and you are torturing me! If you knew Val you knew she wouldn't hurt a fly! unless that fly was wearing a helmut and riding a bike behind her and her name was NADIA! just kidding. it appears that the reason for my struggle was that my tires were not full, my front brake was also not working. I was a freakin' toddler on a bike! so in addition to the tour de Edmonton bike ride and the 6 km walk (run? wasn't happening!) we walked up the biggest hill in the city to the bike store where I announced that my bike had a boo boo. bike fixed and we were on our way. I took the lead and boy did my bike ever feel better! I don't suck! okay still a fat ass, but HEY! working on it!

I get home and conclude that the bike ride wasn't really as stress busting as I had hoped. a few glitches so I needed MORE! doc said! so I call upon my buddy rod and we have a relaxation session. I found my OM! feeling refreshed, feeling ready to get up and go and preparing the to-do-list for tomorrow. gotta get stuff done!

thanks to everyone who commented about Dan. he reads the blog and loved the comments. maybe one day we will have a Q & A with Dan. how about it?

a pic of his last english project. he had to write a poem and decided to write it on an album and the sleeves. kewl!



don't forget to go and comment! lots of fun stuff in store for the summer at the studio and we will be sharing with you all.

how's that list goin'?

every good intention sometimes needs an extension...

things I loved about the past two days....

spending tons of time with dan, eating, talking, listening....

what a guy!

so blessed that he is who he is and what he is? IS himself...

that is all I ever wanted...for him to just be real and he is...

we tried a new eatery. if your in town - Pad Thai on Whyte - yum!

we cut his hair and now it curls like crazy - love that!

we did some shopping and it was FUN and we spent gobs of money and he will turn heads even though that is not what it is about for him and I love that! what it is about is his style, his identity and not following the pack. kewl!

what I did not love about the past two days?

I forgot....

magic

I received this card from Linda a while ago and when I saw it this morning it hit me. Like an "a ha" moment. that slap upside the head reminding you to slow down and appreciate all the magical moments NOW. no waiting for later after the ironing is done (but it is) or after the bed is made (done), but NOW.

a little peek at the magic that happened last night and how I so love it and love him:

M: are you in? are you designing the t-shirt? deadline is March 20. go for it!

D: sorry ma. I don't have anything ready for it! I really wish I had prepared something but Andrew C. and Patty are being lame and don't want to. I haven't had time to get something together with anyone else and I don't really want to roll solo.

M: I say you go with that bowie song and solo it and blow their minds! do it! or the "get out" which I also love. the one you wrote today is pretty sw - eet too! Is it still kewl to say sweet? dad told me on Saturday that telling him his shoes were cute was wrong. damn! I did that to you too, didn't I? I am so not kewl sometimes! Yet other times I am too kewl for school! LOL! love you and I am listening to Karly right now cause my son still has not given me a cd to download onto i-tunes! hint! I do go to your site though and listen to the songs. I love your voice and listening to you play guitar. It makes me happy!

D: Thanks Ma. I'm scared to solo it, I dunno. You're damn cool mom, the only thing that holds you back is when you worry about being cool. Remember: the true essence of cool is knowing you're cool but not knowing why or even speaking of it.

M: LEAP child LEAP and the net will follow. I read that somewhere once. Not the child part, but the leap and the net will follow. heck I did that today and I was scared shitless and somehow I made it through and I feel so much more confident and excited about what is to come. Cool? Kewl! I love you baby!

one of those little surprises as I checked my e-mail before going to bed and then had a little magical moment with my super kewl son!

tons on the go today as far as "Art Tuesday" goes. a little surprise we are working on for one of our neighborhood store owners and then photos for another exciting project in the works. hang on to your shorts! we are off and running! kewl?

now off you go to "enjoy the magic as it happens".