live while you live

long, long ago in a house far away from here I began this canvas. It is huge! 30" x 40". I started out one day by collaging papers onto the surface and then it sat. there were other things to be done.

before we moved I hit it with some gesso and there it sat. a few weeks later and I applied the yellow and there it sat. it is a piece that has pulled me in and the patience that I had with this piece is unlike any I've had before. I don't know why. then I found the words and scribbled them on some scrap paper. over and over they repeated themselves to me.

my son turned 21 a few months ago and we had a conversation about life and dreams. I love these talks. we can go for hours discussing dreams, plans and out of this world desires. as he revealed some of his goals to me I found myself listening to him and hearing myself. it was surreal. he is so excited about life and exploring the world and sharing his music. I adore that drive, but what it lacked was the next step. take the next step. jump in! go for it! do it! OMG! I was talking to myself! I was gobsmacked as they say.

this conversation stuck with me and I even talked to others about how it seemed like I was giving him the nudge to move forward with no fear and yet here I was feet firmly planted in the ground. I talked the talk well enough, but I needed to start walking the walk.

he inspired me to try something that I have put on the back burner for quite awhile. a couple of days after our conversation I walked the walk right into moksha yoga. I signed up for the 30 day challenge.

what have I done?
you signed up for the 30 day challenge...
yes, but what if I can't do it?
you can and you will...
but what if I miss a day?
you will try to not do that...

and so it began. of course, as they, say when you are busy making plans god laughs. mom ended up in the hospital and so the challenge was really on.

and that was over 30 days ago. I missed one day. the day that we readmitted mom to the hospital was the only day I missed. to make up for the missed day I did two yoga classes in one day. thus completing 30 classes in 30 days and I am still going strong.

throughout the 30 days things kept getting thrown at me. oh here, take this! lie down on the mat and breathe. wham, dog gets sick. breathe. a friend's sister dies suddenly. return to the breath. and so on and so on. I took each unexpected thing thrown at me and decided that my self care was SO important right now and my example of completing a goal till the end was something that I needed to prove to myself and show my son. there were many times in class when the instructor would say focus on something that will guide you today. I focused on my son. he guided me. he believed in me like I believed in him and now I needed to start believing in myself.

with all that has been thrown at me lately I have come to love these words "live while you live". to me it means that you should just do it. why wait? so as I plow forward trying to find balance in the chaos I know that I have done what I thought was impossible. I proved it to myself that I could step forward and keep on going. sure, sure there will be times when I step back. I am still cautious and there are still those voices telling me that I can't, but the drive to try is bigger now. I've learned patience and I've felt calm and I am determined to find out what else is out there waiting for me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have to stop reading your posts, they always make me cry! No, I won't stop reading them cause then I appreciate what an incredible person you are and that you are my friend. I'm very lucky!
Love you.