twenty two years

it was twenty two years ago today when we made our way to the hospital for your birth.  you were two weeks late and still quite comfortable in your cocoon so they had to induce me.  I remember the doctor breaking my water.  "not much there" she said.  I worried that you would be all wrinkly from the lack of fluid.  is it ok that there isn't that much fluid?  I was not brave enough to ask those kinds of questions back then.  I was just twenty five and so unsure of my own skin that I wasn't sure how I was going to be a mother.

the day went on trying to urge you to come.  we walked the halls.  checked how many centimetres and back to the bed.  up and down and all around, but nothing.  I remember listening to the other mothers across the hall wailing and screaming bloody murder.  I thought to myself that is not going to be me.  we are all good right now.  and then the first contraction came and I thought I would die right then and there.  it was strong and hard and whoa!  "what the hell?" I yelled!  the nurse came and assured me that we were on our way.  the contractions had begun and we were in it.  okay, I was in it and everyone else was running around getting machines and instruments ready and calling the doctor and your father was calling the family.  oh he was so excited to see you.  he called you "eddy" from the moment we found out I was pregnant.  I kept telling him there was no way we were calling you "eddy".

the doctor came and it became apparent that she would be unable to deliver you.  they needed to call in another doctor.  what?  I held on to my tummy, to you, trying to reassure you that we would be fine.  laying in the bed feeling absolutely helpless and half naked I turned into a mother bear.  I never knew it would come like that, but it did.  that mother instinct that people talk about.  hurt my baby and your ass is mine!  the second doctor came in and then an entourage of nurses.  it was so crowded.  push!  oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.  the baby is not moving.  forceps!  no!  OH MY GOD!  the pain that went down my leg was so unbearable that I screamed wildly and no one knew what was happening.  there was a pause and then the doctor said if I didn't give one last good push that we were headed to a C section.

and I think at that moment you and I were ready to release from each other.  I believe that you stayed inside me for as long as you could so that we would both be ready to walk this world independently.  your birth brought forth a fire in me that I never knew I had.  the strength and courage that came afterwards changed the course of our lives forever.

and so you came.  you didn't cry.  you just looked at me with a look of "hey ma, what the hell?"  oh I cried.  I cried at how beautiful you were.  I cried while I counted your fingers and toes and stroked your cheek where they caught you with the forceps.  you were so tiny.

and here we are today, twenty two years later.  from the moment you were born I have been overjoyed at watching you move in this world.  your first word, your first step and all the firsts.  all that we have been through together and how through it all you have grown into an amazing man.  from your first inhale I knew that the world had no idea what was coming and you have made me proud throughout.  thank you for choosing me to be your mother.  thank you for so many beautiful moments and memories.  thank you for learning from me and teaching me.  thank you for being - YOU!  

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