happy birthday mama

mama blowing out the candles 2012

oh mama.  it's your birthday today.  I am hoping that wherever you are that you are surrounded by tons of people and that you are eating lots of cake.

you always loved sweets.  you would bake a cake, buy a pie or pick up some doughnuts and after offering us some you would promptly eat up the rest.  I still don't know how you stayed so slim eating all those sweets.

I remember in italy when zio would pick up a tray of pastries for you and you would sit there devouring each one.  you would get lost in the taste and texture of each one.

I remember when you tried time and time again to make lemon meringue pie cause you knew it was my favourite and the meringue would always flop.  it was still good mama.  it was fine.  every time I see a lemon meringue pie I think of you.

I remember when you used to make the sherry wine cake from auntie louise's recipe.  it would always take me back to california when we first met everyone and the times we shared together.  the laughter, the celebration and of course lots of sweets.  I found the recipe in your cupboard and made it for dad.  dan had some too and I was able to tell him the story of how it all came to be.

I remember when you tried to make gluten free muffins for me because you wanted me to have something sweet to eat.  they were awful weren't they mama?  but you tried and you did it with love.  you were so concerned that I couldn't eat much.  you were so scared that I was really sick and keeping it from you.

I remember when you were going to the day program at st. joe's and you wanted to bring something for your birthday.  kind of like kids in school bring cupcakes.  so I made cupcakes, bought icing and sprinkles so that you could have something to bring.  I remember you, dad and I sitting around the kitchen table decorating the cupcakes.  you and I were icing and I think most of the icing ended up in your mouth.  you kept licking your fingers and I kept telling you to stop and you would just giggle.  that was the good part about your illness.  it helped you to relax more about life.  we would hand them over to dad who would cover them in sprinkles.  swearing the whole time that they were getting everywhere and why in the heck are we doing this anyway.  you were SO proud to bring your cupcakes in to share with the other patients.  you told the story of how they came together.  you loved sharing with people and loved telling stories.

so mama, I miss you.  I'm sending you a great big kiss and a hug.  I love you and hope you have a wonderful day.  I can almost hear you saying "I love you too honey".  ciao bella...

release and get naked...

this release was urged on by this post.  thank you jenny!  we have been in our current home for about a year and a half and my studio has undergone two re do's already.  I had the perfect furniture all picked out for when we moved in and then it just wasn't working.

so I sold some pieces and started over with what I thought was my dream studio.  except that it now feels like it still isn't inviting.  I dabble in many areas.  I am a painter, a calligrapher, a book maker, I teach art workshops and also sew and whatever else I can get my hands into.  I have tried to narrow down my loves and tried to get rid of what no longer serves me.

that being said I still seem to hang on to things that might one day be useful in a class or project.  the thing is that these "things" are taking up space in my studio.  space in my head and in my heart.  they are weighing me down but what to do with them?

work in progress on the fold down table

the pieces that I painted, the bags that I sewed, the jewelry that sits.  some came back to me from a store that was consigning them for me.  some are etsy fails.  some are just pieces that I worked on and put aside.  where do they go?  do I just throw them out?  it seems like a waste.  and that is another thing.  I like to use recycled items in my art work so nothing is waste to me! 

sewing station with artists I admire wall in the background

 I used to have three bedrooms upstairs and now I have two.  it seems like some of the things have been stuffed in here because they have no where else to go.  like the printer!

the printer unit next to pieces already framed and works in progress

the corner unit was purchased so that the printer would be out of the way.  that whole corner unit really serves no purpose.  it houses the typewriter and some trinkets that are near and dear to me but other than that no real storage purpose.

the closet with all my filled art journals, books, paper and empty sketchbooks

 when I see it in pictures it looks like a disaster!  I have been working hard on my innards and it seems like my outer is not reflecting what I am seeking to feel on a daily basis.  peace.

great room

 we finally committed to a new couch for the great room.  the rest of the house seems so wide open and uncluttered.  people walk in and comment about how I haven't unpacked yet.  no, I have.  this is how I am.  simple.  things that matter are scattered about, but not a lot.

shelf with treasures from travel and friends

 we still need to buy key pieces of furniture but we hunt and then we freeze.  the uncertainty drives me insane!  my hubby keeps reminding me that our old house did not come together over night and to be patient.  I am all for patience but I need my studio space, my sacred space to feel inviting and peaceful.  right now it feels like a dumping ground.  it's like holding on to your old boyfriends picture that you might want to look at again one day.  although that is not a very good example cause I do have his picture - somewhere.  

dan's guitar sitting on a chair I found in a snowbank and refinished

 there are reminders of my loves all over.  it is a home and not just a house.  it feels peaceful and calming.  inviting and comfortable.  except for the studio!

bathroom shelf with more treasures and trinkets

what is the real fear in releasing these things that do not serve us?  albeit things we created and although they did serve a purpose through the process of creating them - now what?

I could get all caught up in using the old paintings and creating new ones over top.  yeah!  keep those!  blah!  ugh!  I thought about leaving them in public places for people to pick up if they choose, but isn't that littering?

it's funny.  I have no problem going into other artist's studios tossing and revamping but for some reason I am stuck with mine.  do I haul everything out and set up the furniture and only bring in what I use?  but I MIGHT use THAT someday....

I remember my mom who used to clean houses for a living and how she would toss out things to clear out spaces for her clients.  she always told me I had too much junk.  hmmmm....in going through her house and her things I discovered that the fact is she had a lot of junk!  she just hid it well.  on the surface her house was always clean and always tidy but in those drawers, boxes and closets was a whole different story.

I think she held onto things - just because too!

so let me pose this question to you today - what if you let go of something and it allowed you that space to live in peace and be open to all the new and wonderful things to come?  and I am not just talking about material things here.  think about it.  and let me know how it goes!

Happy Valentine's Day!

in the studio today...

 this was certainly not the plan for today but the "idea porch" works in mysterious ways.  whilst out on the porch this snowy, grey, cold morning my thoughts wandered to this canvas.  it has been sitting around waiting for something for quite awhile.

according to the photos I dug up this piece began in the old house.  which would be circa 2010.  apparently whatever was once a beginning was in the process of being covered up.

I am assuming that I picked the blue and yellow because those were going to be our colours for the new place.

and somewhere along the line I decided that the yellow stunk and covered it up with white and then did some doodling, speckling and who knows what else.  I do recall finding a quote that I wanted to incorporate into the piece and set it aside for - later.

the "idea porch" was telling me to dig out that piece right now and get the letters on there.  the other day the man asked if I had any finished art work to hang on our still bare walls.  uh, nope!  so maybe that was in the back of my mind.  not sure but I pulled the quote out from the back of the frame and lettered it on.  I used watercolour to fill in the letters and declared it done.

then I pieced some scrap paper together to see how it would look above the tv.  hmmm....what do you think? it's an odd wall with the fireplace and mantle to the left and that ugly black box in the middle.

 I took another look at the piece that I declared done and thought that maybe it needed something else?  I am tempted to take some sandpaper to it and see what I can uncover underneath!  oh dear!  just when we think we have ticked something off from long ago we still question its completion.  then again I can always splash some gesso on it and voila - blank canvas!

well, we all know how terrifying the blank canvas can be!  gawd!  whatcha working on in your studio today?

beloved tammy...

tammy and I in Italy 2010

it's been a week of up and down emotions.  tomorrow will be one year that we said good bye to our girl.  such a beautiful lady with so much promise.  so much love and so much more to give.

some days I almost pick up the phone to call her forgetting that she has passed.  some days I sit and am filled with immense gratitude for all the moments we did share.  after our parents immigrated from italy they lived together in a basement suite.  I knew tammy from the day she was born.  we spent many days together growing up and taking vacations together with our families and then without.  I have many fond memories of her.  I was the one who took her to the bar for the first time.  she was still under age and SO nervous.

some days though I am pissed and the wound feels like it is still gaping open and it hurts like hell.  I tell myself chin up and carry on.  she kept telling us not to be sad.  she was strong till the bitter end.  I feel ripped off and still unable to understand.  I try to have faith and then I try not to scream about all the ugliness of it all.  "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" and "everything happens for a reason" ringing in my head loud like sirens whirling down the street.

I am working on trying to make sense of it.  I guess not sense of it but trying to work on living my life in a way that I can be proud.  not to waste it on petty arguments or super woman behaviour.  trying to enjoy "being in the moment".  whether it is good or bad I am trying to lean towards love and away from fear.  that whack upside my head telling me that there is no sense in fearing that which we do not know.

what I do know is that I miss her.  I love her and I feel her here with me.  I talk to her often.  sometimes when I need guidance and other times to just vent.  she always was a good listener and still is.

tomorrow night we will light up the night for you tammy.  peace dear friend, peace.

I had to share this beautiful poem with you all!

unboundby nancy levin  

we may never know
how we hold
all we can
or how the light catches us
when we are out of breath

it’s a sign of healing
to be feeling again

the real breakthrough
can only arise
from heartbreak

that which ails
cures
reminding us
that it’s always about beginning
and then beginning again

as the waves crash me
i trust the sand
to polish my edges smooth
dissolving denial
revealing real while
courage and confidence
ignite my core

contraction and expansion
let the light stream in
and the stillness
after so much thrashing about
allows the body to wring
the sorrow out

as freedom floods
shadows may persist
know your undertow
as you alchemize the dark
and remember
that you always have
the strength to choose
how to engage

the clouds unveil the view
when you are ready to climb
now it’s time to notice
the miraculous moments
in your life
as they are happening

this
is the making
of me
and we will walk
courageously
into daybreak
from the night
shining our light
together

12.12.12

"According to Chinese numerology, the number one is a yang number which is ruled by the sun and represents independence and individualism. Two is a yin number which is ruled by the moon and represents symmetry and balance. When placed together, the number 12 brings harmony to the yin and yang, balancing the feminine energy of the moon with the masculine energy of the sun. So, what we can gather is that 12/12/12 equals lots of harmony." more here. 

I like that!  yin and yang in harmony?  good stuff!  I woke up thinking about today "the super special not for another 88 years will this kind of date happen."  pretty kewl and kind of whoa!  like I probably won't be here in 88 years.  ok, for sure I won't be here in 88 years.  I also thought that I would really want to make sure I remembered to be grateful while I was still here.  somedays I think I am grateful and then other days my thoughts suck like a big old hoover vac.

so in honor of this unique day I bring you: 

12 things I am grateful for today

 1.  grateful that I woke up and am still alive.

 2.  grateful for morning puppy kisses.

 3.  grateful for my new coat keeping me warm in the freezing cold while joey takes forever to     do his deed.

 4. grateful to my hubby for wide open days and hidden clocks.  aka "I work from home"

 5.  grateful to my friends and family near and far for their endless love and support.

 6.  grateful for stories that remind me that I am not alone.

 7.  grateful for surprises in the mail.

 8.  grateful that my dad has more good days than bad.

 9.  grateful for the most amazing son ever who gives the best hugs.

10. grateful that I took a second chance on love and found the most beautiful soul.

11.grateful for friends who call me up and will listen to me while I cry and love me for who I am.

12. grateful for the strength to carry on and faith in what the future holds.

what are you grateful for today?

and we are back!

art studio by the pool

did ya think I was still at the beach?  yeah, I wish I was!  this is not a fun season for me.  some people say "oh you must suffer from seasonal affective disorder".  uh, no!  I suffer from "I hate the frickin' cold, snow, sleet and all the clothes that you have to wear to cover yourself up and keep warm so that your nose won't all of the sudden fall off".  is there a name for that?  our home at the beach will be purchased soon and all of this white stuff will be a memory!  thank YOU santa!

writing

derwent ink sticks and water brush a la lounge chair

art studio in the room, on the floor

SO the beach was a hit and half.  the travelling art supplies were used and not used.  some did not travel well.  like the new tube watercolours that I bought that apparently contain honey.  WTH?  so they leaked but thankfully I packed them in a ziploc bag.  I discovered some new techniques while playing around in the travel journal.  LOVE those kind of accidents!  I did not spend a lot of time creating page after page of stuff.  I spent a lot of time listening to the audio books, writing and working on my travel journal.  I had a lot of fun with that this time around.  did some sketching, lettering, doodling and added bits and baubles from our travels.

I have a huge basket filled with travel journals from all over.  anytime I feel like I need a get away I go and dig some out and sit down and read all the goodness and it takes me back to that time.  at times I giggle at some of the stuff I wrote or pasted onto the pages.  some of the travel journals had pages for my son and husband to write their memories on.  we had a daily top five and those are incredible memories there for me to read again and again.

I had the thrill of trying out glass blowing with some of my new friends.  little did I know when I started to blow that I was being punked.  after putting my lips right where a mexican stranger previously had his (this hit me when it was too late!) I began to blow and kept blowing till it burst.  awesome!

glass blowing heaven

I drank a lot and too much.  everywhere you went there were people offering tequila shots.  I love tequila.  I love the little shot glasses they come in.  I love margaritas and the combination of the smooth tequila, lime and salt is well - heaven in a glass. una mas! 

notice one is almost empty, don't judge!

on our way back to where all the magic began in 2009 we stopped at a blanket making factory.  hello!  I was thrilled to have the chance to operate the loom and try my hand at making a blanket.  awesome X 2!  they also had an outdoor oven where they baked us some fresh sweet rolls.  mama happy!

just another day making blankets

reality is back with a boom and I can't believe it is december and we are days away from christmas.  it boggles my mind and hurts my heart.  it will be a difficult year.  our family said good bye to two amazing women this year and you know how important women are!  mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins, friends and all their beauty will be deeply missed.  I am being pulled in all different directions and all I want to do is cash in my west jet credits and fly away.

beautiful pacifica sunset

so santa all I want for christmas is some comfy bamboo pj's, a warm blanket, a cup of hot cocoa with those really good marshmallows and a candy cane by the fire.  and maybe a tequila or two...

not together cause that would be gross!  thanks santa!

my future home