best wishes kate & dustin!

and the wrecking continues...

wreck this journal in the shower

not too much wrecking going on this week. crazy week that started out with mom returning from her overnight trip home. she was a rock star! dad loved having her home and we loved seeing them both smile.

wrap something with this page

monday was spent at a different hospital because he woke up, stretched and went into a-fib. super! spent the whole day waiting while test after test was done. while we waited for the test results we both became quite agitated at the doctor who seemed to be eating way too many tim bits! IN FRONT OF US! whadya think we had after we left the hospital?
trace the things in your bag or pocket 

tuesday back at the hospital so that he could have a holter attached to him for 24 hours. I worked him like a dog. nothing made that thing ding. NOTHING! went for my weekly shot afterwards.  yay!
cover this page with white things

wednesday back to the hospital to return the holter and then off to have me tossed around by a prince.
scribble wildy using only borrowed pens and document where they are borrowed from

and so here we are at the end of a crazy busy week.  I pretty much wrecked on the fly and where ever I was I had my journal with me and did some wrecking.  out of town for some up time!

spread kindness...

some days I visit mom and I see that other patients have no visitors. no one comes to see them. they listen as mom and I chat. they ask if I am her daughter. they watch as I do her hair. they tell me how beautiful the flowers are that I brought her. all they want is to be heard. to be seen.

our family is like the welcome wagon of ward 3d. we share our treats, our flowers and even take other patients with us when we are going to the cafeteria for lunch. they wave hi to us when they see us coming and see ya later as we are leaving.

make a stranger smile today! you could be the one and only thing that makes their day. how wonderful is that?

find peace...

cuba february 2009

looking through my photos and reminiscing about calm days. days when all I had to do was get to the beach. my toes in the sand and the sunshine on my face. I miss the peace.

I am strong.  I will get through today and when tomorrow arrives on my doorstep I will get up and again my goal will be to make it to the end of the day. and as the sun goes down I dream about the day when the peace will return.  and it will.

I told him today that I was oh so tired of it all. that I really was ready for it to be over. that I am sure that one more thing would send me over the edge. that I am not sure that I can make it. 

he responded "it could be worse". I looked at him through the tears and I could feel the anger rising in my belly. "how?" I said. "it could always be worse" he said. and with that he held me.

I know it is true. IT could always be worse. I feel sorrow for those who have it worse. I look into their eyes and I want to take away that sadness. and emptiness.  I am not alone.

I am learning.  I will continue to grow. each day I notice something in me changing. whether it is letting go of a worry.  taking time to rest.  making time to run or be still in my practice.  I am trying. in the midst of all this, this - what can I call it? THIS will not kill me. THIS will make me stronger. I have weathered worse storms. haven't I?

and when THIS storm is over I will wait for the tears to dry and the
peace to return...

and it will.

"find peace" may 2009


a couple of artists I admire (elise & kal) are doing a one week art challenge. a different phrase will be posted every day this week and then each one of them will interpret it through art in their own style. they have invited everyone to play along if they would like and so here I go with monday's - dizzy and green:

this is my take on it and I was also inspired by dan's girl who rode up on a scooter. seriously?

I used claudine hellmuth studio product line which is like butter! great coverage & dries quick & you can extend it with glazing fluid if you need to. I also like the fact that I can mix more colors with her fantastic color mixing video!

so there ya have it - three amazing artists and one beautiful girl on a scooter inspired me to get a little messy on a sunday night!

my FIRST ever movie so "be kind"!

thoughts on "wrecking" or what have I observed so far:

take the journal with you (thanks jamie!). use a different color pen, everyday. have fun with it. people will stare and wonder. use it and abuse it. have no fear. refrain from going in order of page layout. let it go.

so this book is called "wreck this journal", right? so it took a bit to get going and then I started. and then I stopped. and then I started to USE it. then I thought about how I was using it and what I was gluing into it. is this really "wrecking" or is this "art".

or have I just figured out what all of you knew from the beginning. that this is meant to be a vessel for capturing the everyday, ordinary, sometimes messy, beautiful and tragic, scribbles and giggles of our lives. wow! thank you keri smith and thank you jamie!


miss ya SO much...

max, may 2008

just dropped the little one off at the groomers. poor thing. max used to be our gauge as to when they would get groomed. if he was a hairy mess then it was time to get him shaved down and for sparky to get spruced up. so I went. and it was hard. as soon as I opened the door and saw her, she knew and she began to cry. our groomer is amazing and she was the only one who had max at such a trust and comfort level that she could trim his nails. in the beginning he ran for the door, but these last few years he ran to her. it was a beautiful transformation and you could tell by her face today that it was a special bond.

you think I would have known as the last couple of days I have been a bit discombobulated. crying for no reason or all reasons. snapping peoples heads off left, right and center. losing my patience in traffic and at the store. not like me and NO it is not PMS. I checked! I miss him like crazy and have started saying "I'm getting a puppy!" of course I don't mean today or tomorrow or even in the next week or month or possibly year, but I am getting one. I decided all by myself without asking anyone. it is that important to me and my well being.

in the past week or so I have yelled "max, where the hell are you?" each time I drop a bit of food on the floor. he was our hoover. I have been spending more time outside as we finally have warmer weather and I have noticed a different type of atmosphere. no barking, no running around and through anything in his way and most important no pup sunning himself on the deck. I remember him coming in the house after being out in the sunshine and his fur being so warm. I would nuzzle up to him and soak in the sunshine.

love ya buddy!

little bits...

from "inspired"

official 2009 inspired necklace created by lisa:

first class with donna "ART rings". mine on the left and hers that I won on the right:

very kewl as we used UTEE and ya know I have buckets of that left!

second class with teresa"clear dome ring and necklace"

I really enjoyed the clear dome ring as I was able to incorporate photos of some of my journal pages within the ring.

so far that is about all I have completed and as they get done I will post more. inspired was as always delicious! I saw old friends from last year and met tons of new friends from this year. I love the energy, the inspiration and the quality of instructors. bill and donna put on a class act. very unique from anything else and although this was only the second year they did change it up a bit. kept what worked and came up with new ideas for more goodies for us. the instructor line up was so incredible that you wanted to take all the mini workshops in addition to your already two day packed classes. some women even made up wacky workshop buttons to signify that they signed up for 10 or more workshops. unreal! donna and bill spoil you when you are there and you end up not wanting to leave. it takes a mountain of work and organization to put on a event and have it be so successful that a majority of first year attendees went back for more and they were greatly rewarded for their return. high five donna and bill and see ya next year!
pretty toes!

I had a wonderfully relaxing extremely thorough pedicure. apparently my pedi's were mucho neglected and with the amount of use my feet go through it was quite the task! it's all good and mom's super pedicure girl was so fabulous I asked her to get rid of the caterpillar on my lip. I have never had that done before and so "ouch". I figured why not go for broke and get the eyebrows down - double "ouch". so I am feeling "pretty" at this point, but ann wants to go all emeril on me and kick it up a notch.

I oblige because I have been SO far from feeling pretty or taking care of myself that anyone who wants to spruce me up can have it er! I am so weak! she extends my eyebrows because apparently they are short. great! new material for the next therapy session! then she asks if I wear make up. I am I say. mascara, eyeliner and burt's bees. poor thing! I had to pick her up off the floor. so she proceeds to add some detail to my eyes with eye shadow. you have some brown eye shadow at home don't you nadia? uh, nope. okay, so onto a little lip color with spf which is important. I confess that I never wear sunscreen. there I said it here too! yup! to which she replies, well that is why you have those tiny red veins in your face. either from the sun or wind as you spend a lot of time outdoors. 

at this point I am like - come again sister? you mean to tell me that after all these years of trying to make daily outdoor activity a habit in order to stay healthy. and finally making it a priority that now I am ruining my skin? wtf? I let her apply the lip liner and ask her where I would wear all this make up. she tells me "for when you go out". to which I reply "out where?" she says "10% tuesday". okay now your making fun of me!

oooohhhh! pretty girl! all this in light of the conversation that I had with myself before the appointment. it went along the lines of how I really wish people would stop putting value on others by their appearances only. for example if she is pretty she must be dumb. if she is smart she must be ugly. if he is homeless he must be a loser. if she is overweight she must be lazy. if he drives a nice car he must be rich and so on. see I kinda forgot that dan had a beard the other day. it just isn't something I sit and stare at when I am talking to him. I pretty much focus on what he is saying. but people judge. we all do. and some people feel prettier when they have make up on and I? I am all for just making it through one more day without anybody getting hurt. how's that for a goal!

in other news...

I have this amazing photographer friend and every time I am with her she is snapping photos at all sorts of stuff. she doesn't carry lug around her oh so fancy camera everywhere, but she does always seem to have some sort of moment capturing tool. she has inspired me to notice things I might otherwise miss. the sign above for example that popped out on our way to mom's neurologist appointment. I stopped and whipped out my camera and snapped a quick pic while mamma was cruising down the avenue.

she was AWESOME! picked her up at the hospital and she walked to the car and got in without any trouble. so scared that as I am writing with all this excitement that something will go wrong. she was very patient with the doctor who asked tons of questions and made her do lots of different things to see if she did indeed have parkinsons. from what he found he says no although he would like to see her at the end of the year and off her medication to see if there is any difference. yay! she is back at the hospital working hard and apparently last night took a break to watch the hockey final. so cute! 

gotta run. ciao! make up to put on before heading out to meet my peeps for a walk. NOT!

OH YES! hold onto your medication cups ladies! mom has graduated from "one person assist" to "supervision". she was so freakin' excited! she could not wait to show off her new walker or as she calls it her "bike". she now has four wheels instead of two. she is whipping around that hospital old school. no helmut! no regard for obstacles (if ya know what I mean laurie)

this is a huge step for her and she is looking forward to "going green". the green signs indicate "independent". she has a goal and I love that she is working so hard. she was a bit cranky yesterday, but a little bird told me that she went to bingo in the afternoon and won! hopefully that perked her up. I know that she is itching to get home and out of the hospital. not the best place in the world to heal. I end up "playing nurse" myself sometimes and help her room mate. I bow down to all nurses. your job is hard and I applaud you for your dedication to providing quality care to patients.

in other news...

kelly rae arrived yesterday.

and although I wish it was a personal visit this was just as good. a new addition to my artist inspiration wall.

while at "inspired" I soaked up all the motivation she was handing out. gobs of advice and buckets of beautiful thoughts and stories of her journey. I will share more on "inspired" as I am finally feeling like my schedule is returning to a somewhat normal state. either that or I am realizing that I NEED to "create everyday".

off to use up mom's mother's day gift certificate. heee heee! what is a girl to do when her mother is in the hospital and unable to keep her pedicure appointment? the "world's greatest daughter" takes her appointment! pretty toes here I come! ciao!


let the wrecking begin!

oh I know I bought this book when it first came out and I think I even picked her up a copy. and I thought it was a kewl idea. TOO kewl possibly? something about wrecking a book that stopped me in my tracks. and so it became another book that I put on my shelf for a later date.

so the other day I am wandering around the internet and I come upon this site and she is talking about this book and how the read along starts and I'm like WHOA! I actually have THAT book! AND! I am totally on time with the start date! AND! it seems doable which is SO what I need right now. something that is fun & simple, but still a challenge. something that will get me going creatively when all I do is make excuses as to why I am unable to create in the midst of all this chaos.

won't you join us?

just get through today...

took mom for a much needed haircut today. lucky for us there is a salon right in the hospital. it seems weird to see my mom in a wheelchair. she loved her haircut and felt much more refreshed afterwards. that and the fact that in this hospital she is encouraged to wear clothes and not lay around in a night gown.

I am feeling disconnected lately. like I am just going through the motions. it feels like it is someone else's body and I am just watching from the sidelines. so many things seem so unreal to me that it can't be real. It seems like yesterday I got back from "inspired" and in reality a whole month has gone by.

I am tired, exhausted and every time I go to press the elevator button I wonder if it would be at all possible to press "up" and go up, up and away somewhere. just for a little while. or press "down" and hide out below. just for a little while.

then I keep telling myself and I have started to tell mom this too. dad I am still working on! we just need to make it through today...

just today. don't worry about yesterday because it is gone and there is nothing we can change about it. DONE.

just today. tomorrow isn't here yet and so why worry?

just today...

and so I get up in the morning, eat something, clean up and head to the hospital to help her get through one more day. hopefully one more day closer to getting home. unfortunately my father brought her a calendar and crosses off the days that she has been in the hospital. how sad it must be to see that she missed the month of may at home. 

but she has fight in her. she is determined. she has a sparkle in her eye. I see it. even if no one else does and it is what gets me up every morning. I am afraid. so many unknowns. new information to process. patience to be had. my health has been put on the back burner and it is catching up to me. luckily I have people watching out for me and reminding me to take time to breathe. that and a wonderful doctor who has all kinds of potions and lotions to heal my body & soul.

and hey - I made it through TODAY!
The Keep Going Prayer

Father Sky,
It is I who raises my voice to you,
Have pity on me.
Mother Earth,
It is I who raises my voice to you,
Have pity on me.
To all my relations who live to the West, North, East, and South,
It is I who raise my voice to you,
Have pity on me.
It is I who raises my voice to you,
Have pity on me.
Thank you for the blessings and the difficulties I have known,
Because everything is the source of strength and wisdom.
You who knows the journey that waits for me,
Help me to face the path ahead,
Help me to find the strength to keep going,
No matter the difficulty, no matter how weary I may be.
Help me to face each day,
Help me to face each test, each storm,
One step at a time.
I ask this in the name of
All my relations.

*taken from "Keep Going-The Art of Perseverance by Joseph M. Marshall III

READ IT...ciao!