OH YES! hold onto your medication cups ladies! mom has graduated from "one person assist" to "supervision". she was so freakin' excited! she could not wait to show off her new walker or as she calls it her "bike". she now has four wheels instead of two. she is whipping around that hospital old school. no helmut! no regard for obstacles (if ya know what I mean laurie)

this is a huge step for her and she is looking forward to "going green". the green signs indicate "independent". she has a goal and I love that she is working so hard. she was a bit cranky yesterday, but a little bird told me that she went to bingo in the afternoon and won! hopefully that perked her up. I know that she is itching to get home and out of the hospital. not the best place in the world to heal. I end up "playing nurse" myself sometimes and help her room mate. I bow down to all nurses. your job is hard and I applaud you for your dedication to providing quality care to patients.

in other news...

kelly rae arrived yesterday.

and although I wish it was a personal visit this was just as good. a new addition to my artist inspiration wall.

while at "inspired" I soaked up all the motivation she was handing out. gobs of advice and buckets of beautiful thoughts and stories of her journey. I will share more on "inspired" as I am finally feeling like my schedule is returning to a somewhat normal state. either that or I am realizing that I NEED to "create everyday".

off to use up mom's mother's day gift certificate. heee heee! what is a girl to do when her mother is in the hospital and unable to keep her pedicure appointment? the "world's greatest daughter" takes her appointment! pretty toes here I come! ciao!

ready?

let the wrecking begin!

oh I know I bought this book when it first came out and I think I even picked her up a copy. and I thought it was a kewl idea. TOO kewl possibly? something about wrecking a book that stopped me in my tracks. and so it became another book that I put on my shelf for a later date.

so the other day I am wandering around the internet and I come upon this site and she is talking about this book and how the read along starts and I'm like WHOA! I actually have THAT book! AND! I am totally on time with the start date! AND! it seems doable which is SO what I need right now. something that is fun & simple, but still a challenge. something that will get me going creatively when all I do is make excuses as to why I am unable to create in the midst of all this chaos.

won't you join us?

just get through today...

took mom for a much needed haircut today. lucky for us there is a salon right in the hospital. it seems weird to see my mom in a wheelchair. she loved her haircut and felt much more refreshed afterwards. that and the fact that in this hospital she is encouraged to wear clothes and not lay around in a night gown.

I am feeling disconnected lately. like I am just going through the motions. it feels like it is someone else's body and I am just watching from the sidelines. so many things seem so unreal to me that it can't be real. It seems like yesterday I got back from "inspired" and in reality a whole month has gone by.

I am tired, exhausted and every time I go to press the elevator button I wonder if it would be at all possible to press "up" and go up, up and away somewhere. just for a little while. or press "down" and hide out below. just for a little while.

then I keep telling myself and I have started to tell mom this too. dad I am still working on! we just need to make it through today...

just today. don't worry about yesterday because it is gone and there is nothing we can change about it. DONE.

just today. tomorrow isn't here yet and so why worry?

just today...

and so I get up in the morning, eat something, clean up and head to the hospital to help her get through one more day. hopefully one more day closer to getting home. unfortunately my father brought her a calendar and crosses off the days that she has been in the hospital. how sad it must be to see that she missed the month of may at home. 

but she has fight in her. she is determined. she has a sparkle in her eye. I see it. even if no one else does and it is what gets me up every morning. I am afraid. so many unknowns. new information to process. patience to be had. my health has been put on the back burner and it is catching up to me. luckily I have people watching out for me and reminding me to take time to breathe. that and a wonderful doctor who has all kinds of potions and lotions to heal my body & soul.

and hey - I made it through TODAY!

The Keep Going Prayer

Father Sky,

It is I who raises my voice to you,

Have pity on me.

Mother Earth,

It is I who raises my voice to you,

Have pity on me.

To all my relations who live to the West, North, East, and South,

It is I who raise my voice to you,

Have pity on me.

Grandfather,

It is I who raises my voice to you,

Have pity on me.

Thank you for the blessings and the difficulties I have known,

Because everything is the source of strength and wisdom.

You who knows the journey that waits for me,

Help me to face the path ahead,

Help me to find the strength to keep going,

No matter the difficulty, no matter how weary I may be.

Help me to face each day,

Help me to face each test, each storm,

One step at a time.

Grandfather,

I ask this in the name of

All my relations.

*taken from "Keep Going-The Art of Perseverance by Joseph M. Marshall III

READ IT...ciao!

day 1 - inspired

the kewlest name badge! note the "alumni" yay!

christy tomlinson - total sweetheart!

susan and cd - friends from last year and SO much fun!

jennifer's first crunchie bar! I start my day off with her class tomorrow.

kelly rae - she is SO pretty! I saw her walking down to the plane in her dress and I was awestruck.

teresa collins - love her! 

melody ross - awesome surprise to see her here

paolo's back - love that smile! and this year he has his own photo booth! complete with costumes!

and the tradition continues - end of day one long arm shot with the inspiring donna! tattoos tomorrow, right?

"oh to be a pup, again"

as is the above picture I too am dazed and coming to you from north carolina where I am attending this.

I have mixed feelings about my time here.  last year I was SO excited to meet new people and be inspired by all their different talents.  this year in light of all that has happened I have given myself permission to move at my own speed.  whatever that may be.  yesterday had its highs and lows and I was sure that someone had put another needle in my voodoo doll with all the strikes I had against me, but today?

today will be a good day!

-ciao-

self-help?

the last few months have included the worst moments of my life - ever. I have been through a lot in my life and nothing can compare to how lost I feel now. I have so many questions. so many fears. so many hurts. I am filled with such sadness and hopelessness that I ache. 

I do not believe there are enough self-help books or support groups to get me through this. just when I was starting to turn around after losing max we lost mary ann. she was gone at 57. then we lost an aunt. our cousin lost a grandmother. so much darkness. so many tears. oh the tears. I have "the secret" calendar and everyday I flip a page and it tells me to feel positive and to put good feelings out and good things will return. I think when I get back I will throw it out. it is just breaking me in two.

what I have learned so far in this year that seems to be slipping away like sand through my hand is this:

-to do lists are really not all that important because there will always be something "to do". it is never ending

-your life can change in the blink of an eye

-no matter what you look like or aspire to look like it means nothing in the grande scheme of things

-the more you think about yourself, the less people think about you

-(an oprah fave) when people show you who they are - believe them

-when the shit hits the fan there are the friends who will help you move a body and you know they are your real friends because they will help you move a body

-I have witnessed love like no other love

-I have felt silence rip my heart wide open and then ego came along and stomped on the pieces

-it IS possible to feel so alone in a crowd of people

-when you think about yourself, stop and think of someone else first

-be thankful for what you have and stop whining about what you want

-do it with all your heart or don't bother

-hug the ones you love as much as possible and tell them you love them every chance you get

-tell your kids over and over that you will be there for them no matter what, and then do just that

-if you think about calling someone, just do it and stop thinking about it

-be kind to one another

-this second is all we have, the past is the past, let it go

-take good care of yourself

-do nice things for others just because.  without waiting for a thank you or return gesture

ciao