happy birthday mama

mama blowing out the candles 2012

oh mama.  it's your birthday today.  I am hoping that wherever you are that you are surrounded by tons of people and that you are eating lots of cake.

you always loved sweets.  you would bake a cake, buy a pie or pick up some doughnuts and after offering us some you would promptly eat up the rest.  I still don't know how you stayed so slim eating all those sweets.

I remember in italy when zio would pick up a tray of pastries for you and you would sit there devouring each one.  you would get lost in the taste and texture of each one.

I remember when you tried time and time again to make lemon meringue pie cause you knew it was my favourite and the meringue would always flop.  it was still good mama.  it was fine.  every time I see a lemon meringue pie I think of you.

I remember when you used to make the sherry wine cake from auntie louise's recipe.  it would always take me back to california when we first met everyone and the times we shared together.  the laughter, the celebration and of course lots of sweets.  I found the recipe in your cupboard and made it for dad.  dan had some too and I was able to tell him the story of how it all came to be.

I remember when you tried to make gluten free muffins for me because you wanted me to have something sweet to eat.  they were awful weren't they mama?  but you tried and you did it with love.  you were so concerned that I couldn't eat much.  you were so scared that I was really sick and keeping it from you.

I remember when you were going to the day program at st. joe's and you wanted to bring something for your birthday.  kind of like kids in school bring cupcakes.  so I made cupcakes, bought icing and sprinkles so that you could have something to bring.  I remember you, dad and I sitting around the kitchen table decorating the cupcakes.  you and I were icing and I think most of the icing ended up in your mouth.  you kept licking your fingers and I kept telling you to stop and you would just giggle.  that was the good part about your illness.  it helped you to relax more about life.  we would hand them over to dad who would cover them in sprinkles.  swearing the whole time that they were getting everywhere and why in the heck are we doing this anyway.  you were SO proud to bring your cupcakes in to share with the other patients.  you told the story of how they came together.  you loved sharing with people and loved telling stories.

so mama, I miss you.  I'm sending you a great big kiss and a hug.  I love you and hope you have a wonderful day.  I can almost hear you saying "I love you too honey".  ciao bella...

decisions

there are decisions to be made every second of the day. moment to moment we decide what we are going to do. will we crawl out of bed when we feel like hiding deep in the folds of the covers? comforted by the warmth and feeling the safety of lying there and not having to face another day?

when we decide to finally wake up will we shower today? what will we wear? fix our hair or declare a "hat day". what will we eat for breakfast? do we want coffee or tea this morning. these decisions occur in the first hour of the day and already it can seem so exhausting.

I find myself floating through the day and think of you. what decisions are you making? I feel lost without you. I used to pick up the phone and there you were. where are you now? you were so good at listening and giving answers.

I have a decision to make. can you hear me? can you answer me? I don't know what to do and you would always help me to see the whole picture. I am trying to step back from the answer. I am trying to take my emotions out of it. how do I? how did you? you probably watched hundreds of people make decisions about loved ones. surgery? breathing tube? pain medication? or let them go? sometimes I can hear your voice. I smile at the sound of your laugh. I can see you in others. are you there?

I decided to make rice krispie squares and jam muffins yesterday. that was easy. I just did it and the outcome was delicious. today I decided to make lemon bars and peanut butter cookies. did you like peanut butter cookies? I know you were allergic to fish and eggs but were you allergic to peanuts? why didn't I know that about you?

there is so much I didn't know about you. so much that we still had to talk about. there was so much you still had to experience. who made the decision that you would die?

I am trying to decide to be happy today. or can I decide that? in a breath I find myself in a puddle of tears thinking about you. I want to see you, touch you, hold you and tell you that I love you and hear you say "I love you too" and then that little giggle. you always had that little giggle afterwards. as if you thought that it was kind of silly that I would say "I love you". I did love you. I do love you. that decision was easy.

just like the decision to make muffins, squares and cookies. what is the worst that could happen? I could burn them. they would taste awful, but I could start again. nobody will die from my failed baking attempts. I chose the easy decision - bake.

I hate this responsibility. all I want to do is run. escape. hide. I know that is unrealistic. I know it will have to be done and I know it will have to be me. in the meantime I will have a cookie and think about it some more.

note to self...

promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -christopher robin to pooh

today is one of those days. you have a plan (kinda like yesterday) and then the plan gets changed. note to self: make no plans.

last minute cancellation and so back to the glenrose for mom's assessment. she will be re-entering the s.t.a.r.t. medicine program twice a week for eight weeks. a team will be working with her to continue her therapy and she will also have time for some socialization. wonderful news! she is scheduled to start next tuesday. great. note to self: it is okay to ask lots of questions and it does not mean you are stupid.

morning phone call that she will start TODAY. good, fine, sure, no problem. fantastic, I'm thinking! dad gets a break, mom is happy, nadia can stop worrying for the next few hours and twice a week for the next eight weeks. perfect! note to self: do not get ahead of yourself.

call from dad. a little scrambled. lots of questions. swearing. waving the white flag. WHAT? I don't understand. I am confused. scared. worried. racing around like a mad woman. note to self: STOP!

and so I do...

I stop because it is not helping. I make a list. I go for a ride. good coffee always helps me think! and then I start to cry. in the car. alone. what do I do? note to self: asking self questions and waiting for an intelligent response is not happening.

and so I check off what I can do. lawyer. cemetery. doctor. done. meals? make a list of meals and a grocery list. done. cooking extravaganza will begin.

note to self: you are brave, you are strong and dammit you are smart. you can do this. (said to self as self is pulling up big girl panties and dealing with it)

you do the math...

one melon plus one melon equals two melons, right? good job bean counter!

good to know that michael can do math. mamma on the other hand gave me a headache about it.

so I decide that I will give dad a break and take mom shopping. do you know me? I don't do shopping. I walk into the gap pick up a pair of jeans, a shirt and cute jacket type thing and we are done. size doesn't change and the price is right. I may not look like I stepped off the cover of vogue, but I am comfortable!

okay so we head out to the bay and start our adventure. mom is a bit slow with the walker and it is tricky manoeuvring around the displays so I rearrange the store to accommodate her walker. it worked! so we find some deals. couple of shirts for dad and three shirts for michael. walk up to the till and ma says she's got it. I say no, no, come now and she says no, I have it. okay. so till lady rings up our order and ma pulls out her wallet. she rifles through the bills. ma carries cash. mostly brown and red ones and a few green, but always cash. so the bill is 171.11 and she pulls out three red ones, a loonie and eleven cents. I say ma, you are short a twenty. do you have any more cash? she starts rifling through her wallet and I soon realize that she is out of bills and I dip into my wallet where thankfully I have my art fund stashed. I normally do not carry cash and most especially not brown ones and red ones.

so done. bill is paid and I say ma, you out of money! and she says, no I have lots of money. I think to myself perhaps she has more hidden that we just didn't take the time to wait for her to pull out. no biggie. we move on to the mall where we walk and I am quite happy just walking. she says, just carry on like I am not even here. go do what you need to do. so thing is that if mom wasn't with me the last thing I would be doing would be walking around a mall shopping. so I keep walking by her side and she says, oh sears! they have good sales. off we go.

we find more deals. seems a warehouse needed to be cleared out and everything was on sale and an additional 50% off if you used your credit card. deal! so we walk up the till and ma once again states, I got it. I don't argue with the lady and she pulls out her wallet and starts rifling and only has coin left. I remind her that if we use our sears card we get an additional 50 % off. she says, oh yeah, okay and pulls out her credit card. but! I want to pay the bill right now, she says. I am a bit confused at the math we have done so far as I thought we (as in her) ran out of cash. the till guy takes her card and we owe about $46.00 so she starts counting out her toonies which at this point I start digging into my art fund again knowing full well that the mamma is out of red ones and brown ones and even green ones and blue ones. ( really people I know the denomination, but I think it is fun for non canadians to play this game)

so I pull out two twenties and her three toonies and bill is paid. I am trying to do the math in my head. don't get me wrong I am fine with paying for my own purchases. of course I am, but she offered and so I am trying in my head to figure out if I am ahead or if she now owes me. in which case I should offer to pay for her purchases. this would give me extra points, no?

anyway as we are walking away from the till mom says, well, I guess we should go home, we have no money left. yes mom, I say, we both are out of money.

I return her home where dad asks how the day went and mom says, boy we sure got some good deals. yes, we sure did.

she is having difficulty walking. not sure if the money thing was confusing because she hasn't had to do it in a couple of months or is that a new symptom. I had to remind myself that we were together and it was awesome no matter what we did or who emptied their wallet faster. I am treasuring these moments more and more each day. mom and I were not exactly close growing up and I think back now to how silly it was.

I think life is like that sometimes. we spend so much time being upset with people for not doing what we think they should be doing when really we should be happy that they are doing period. like when he picks up fruit in the supermarket and you say "nice melons" and laugh. it is a split second, but it was fun and we should all have a little fun on a daily basis.

if you are in town there is tons of fun to be had around here. today we are checking out the farmer's market and then off to make it. and I am sure an iced coffee is in the mix for our decent hot, hot, hot day or maybe a beer?

ciao!

marvelous monday

sounds like something sark would write. if you say "it's monday" that just sounds so boring, but if you say "it's marvelous monday" now there is some excitement!

and why is it SO marvelous? I was pleasantly surprised by my mom the other day. she was very excited about her painting. painting? I thought they convinced her to help paint some walls in the the new "courage center". never in a million years would I have thought that MY mom - my MOM - MY MOM would be painting in the art room.

she released the brakes on her walker and full speed ahead took me to the art therapy studio in the hospital. I knew about the room. I had heard about the room. I had seen some of the art work from the room. even thought about volunteering in the room, but NEVER thought I would be in the room with my mom. or that my mom would be showing me a piece of her art.

she said she painted a dog. oh he is lovely she said. wait till you see him. I am making him for you she said. I struggled to hold back the tears that were coming. I had yet to see the dog and the mere thought of her painting a dog for me was so touching. we entered the room and of course it is an artist's dream world. paint everywhere, projects underway and even paintings on the ceilings, inspirational quotes on the walls. It was breathtaking and then I watched her as she wheeled her walker over to the corner where all the ceramics lay. some half painted, some complete and drying and then she picked him up. the dog. my dog. the piece that she painted for ME. her face lit up as she explained to me what she used and how she painted it and how the nurse helped her with the color choices. oh my it was a beautiful sight to see my mother's face. what a moment. a beautiful unexpected moment. I took a quick picture of her piece. she said it was not finished, but that's okay I like to capture the process.

and so today on this morning my mom headed back into the art room to work on her piece. my mom - painting? how marvelous!

spread kindness...

some days I visit mom and I see that other patients have no visitors. no one comes to see them. they listen as mom and I chat. they ask if I am her daughter. they watch as I do her hair. they tell me how beautiful the flowers are that I brought her. all they want is to be heard. to be seen.

our family is like the welcome wagon of ward 3d. we share our treats, our flowers and even take other patients with us when we are going to the cafeteria for lunch. they wave hi to us when they see us coming and see ya later as we are leaving.

make a stranger smile today! you could be the one and only thing that makes their day. how wonderful is that?

pretty toes!

I had a wonderfully relaxing extremely thorough pedicure. apparently my pedi's were mucho neglected and with the amount of use my feet go through it was quite the task! it's all good and mom's super pedicure girl was so fabulous I asked her to get rid of the caterpillar on my lip. I have never had that done before and so "ouch". I figured why not go for broke and get the eyebrows down - double "ouch". so I am feeling "pretty" at this point, but ann wants to go all emeril on me and kick it up a notch.

I oblige because I have been SO far from feeling pretty or taking care of myself that anyone who wants to spruce me up can have it er! I am so weak! she extends my eyebrows because apparently they are short. great! new material for the next therapy session! then she asks if I wear make up. I am I say. mascara, eyeliner and burt's bees. poor thing! I had to pick her up off the floor. so she proceeds to add some detail to my eyes with eye shadow. you have some brown eye shadow at home don't you nadia? uh, nope. okay, so onto a little lip color with spf which is important. I confess that I never wear sunscreen. there I said it here too! yup! to which she replies, well that is why you have those tiny red veins in your face. either from the sun or wind as you spend a lot of time outdoors. 

at this point I am like - come again sister? you mean to tell me that after all these years of trying to make daily outdoor activity a habit in order to stay healthy. and finally making it a priority that now I am ruining my skin? wtf? I let her apply the lip liner and ask her where I would wear all this make up. she tells me "for when you go out". to which I reply "out where?" she says "10% tuesday". okay now your making fun of me!

oooohhhh! pretty girl! all this in light of the conversation that I had with myself before the appointment. it went along the lines of how I really wish people would stop putting value on others by their appearances only. for example if she is pretty she must be dumb. if she is smart she must be ugly. if he is homeless he must be a loser. if she is overweight she must be lazy. if he drives a nice car he must be rich and so on. see I kinda forgot that dan had a beard the other day. it just isn't something I sit and stare at when I am talking to him. I pretty much focus on what he is saying. but people judge. we all do. and some people feel prettier when they have make up on and I? I am all for just making it through one more day without anybody getting hurt. how's that for a goal!

in other news...

I have this amazing photographer friend and every time I am with her she is snapping photos at all sorts of stuff. she doesn't carry lug around her oh so fancy camera everywhere, but she does always seem to have some sort of moment capturing tool. she has inspired me to notice things I might otherwise miss. the sign above for example that popped out on our way to mom's neurologist appointment. I stopped and whipped out my camera and snapped a quick pic while mamma was cruising down the avenue.

she was AWESOME! picked her up at the hospital and she walked to the car and got in without any trouble. so scared that as I am writing with all this excitement that something will go wrong. she was very patient with the doctor who asked tons of questions and made her do lots of different things to see if she did indeed have parkinsons. from what he found he says no although he would like to see her at the end of the year and off her medication to see if there is any difference. yay! she is back at the hospital working hard and apparently last night took a break to watch the hockey final. so cute! 

gotta run. ciao! make up to put on before heading out to meet my peeps for a walk. NOT!

OH YES! hold onto your medication cups ladies! mom has graduated from "one person assist" to "supervision". she was so freakin' excited! she could not wait to show off her new walker or as she calls it her "bike". she now has four wheels instead of two. she is whipping around that hospital old school. no helmut! no regard for obstacles (if ya know what I mean laurie)

this is a huge step for her and she is looking forward to "going green". the green signs indicate "independent". she has a goal and I love that she is working so hard. she was a bit cranky yesterday, but a little bird told me that she went to bingo in the afternoon and won! hopefully that perked her up. I know that she is itching to get home and out of the hospital. not the best place in the world to heal. I end up "playing nurse" myself sometimes and help her room mate. I bow down to all nurses. your job is hard and I applaud you for your dedication to providing quality care to patients.

in other news...

kelly rae arrived yesterday.

and although I wish it was a personal visit this was just as good. a new addition to my artist inspiration wall.

while at "inspired" I soaked up all the motivation she was handing out. gobs of advice and buckets of beautiful thoughts and stories of her journey. I will share more on "inspired" as I am finally feeling like my schedule is returning to a somewhat normal state. either that or I am realizing that I NEED to "create everyday".

off to use up mom's mother's day gift certificate. heee heee! what is a girl to do when her mother is in the hospital and unable to keep her pedicure appointment? the "world's greatest daughter" takes her appointment! pretty toes here I come! ciao!

just get through today...

took mom for a much needed haircut today. lucky for us there is a salon right in the hospital. it seems weird to see my mom in a wheelchair. she loved her haircut and felt much more refreshed afterwards. that and the fact that in this hospital she is encouraged to wear clothes and not lay around in a night gown.

I am feeling disconnected lately. like I am just going through the motions. it feels like it is someone else's body and I am just watching from the sidelines. so many things seem so unreal to me that it can't be real. It seems like yesterday I got back from "inspired" and in reality a whole month has gone by.

I am tired, exhausted and every time I go to press the elevator button I wonder if it would be at all possible to press "up" and go up, up and away somewhere. just for a little while. or press "down" and hide out below. just for a little while.

then I keep telling myself and I have started to tell mom this too. dad I am still working on! we just need to make it through today...

just today. don't worry about yesterday because it is gone and there is nothing we can change about it. DONE.

just today. tomorrow isn't here yet and so why worry?

just today...

and so I get up in the morning, eat something, clean up and head to the hospital to help her get through one more day. hopefully one more day closer to getting home. unfortunately my father brought her a calendar and crosses off the days that she has been in the hospital. how sad it must be to see that she missed the month of may at home. 

but she has fight in her. she is determined. she has a sparkle in her eye. I see it. even if no one else does and it is what gets me up every morning. I am afraid. so many unknowns. new information to process. patience to be had. my health has been put on the back burner and it is catching up to me. luckily I have people watching out for me and reminding me to take time to breathe. that and a wonderful doctor who has all kinds of potions and lotions to heal my body & soul.

and hey - I made it through TODAY!

365 tuesday

this image is from the wall in the hospital where mom goes twice a week for her rehabilitation. it seemed to me a reminder of how we need to find strength to keep on going. I was going to crop the light out of the image, but then thought it was kind of like a symbol of the light at the end of the tunnel.

today was a long day for all of us. first MRI and then to the hospital. mom seems to be getting a bit punchy which could mean that a little bit of herself is coming back. she never took shit from anyone at one time. she told my dad and I to just wait until she got better and then we were in trouble - BRING IT! 

we went for lunch where I always let them pick and even let them order for me. it seems like it is always about saving a penny here and saving a penny there. I never noticed how impatient they both are. it's not like they have anywhere to go! waiting for a red light, waiting to be seated in a restaurant, waiting for a meal. it all seemed like too much waiting for them. I always figure there is a reason why I am having to wait. I have no where to go and so go ahead all you impatient people!

after lunch the headache started. probably something I ate or just everything catching up to me. then I came home and poor sparky had an accident while I was gone. I felt awful for him and he felt awful. I could just tell. I spic and spanned (remember spic and span?) and then gave him a bath. I decided he could use a good pamper. hell, I could use a good pamper. anyone wanna give me a bath? HA!

this is as close as he would allow me to be with the camera:

all fluffy and a new bandana to boot!

full moon or a gift?

looking up at the powers that be and asking them to help me get through the doctor's appointment with my mom. first off she made a mistake with the time and we were an hour late - super! second she started getting angry at the receptionist saying it was her fault - dandy! third I dug all around my purse and not a crumb of chocolate to get me through. doc says she is on the list for the november clinic and after lots of "italian smarten up talk" she was quiet and played along with everything he said and I asked - perfect! he asked questions as if she had never been there before. problem is she answered them as if she had never been there before. I sat there thinking I was having an out of body experience and maybe I hadn't actually woken up, showered and left the house yet. WTF? I finally intervened as I was getting tired of their little reindeer games and told the doctor that he had seen my mother almost a year ago and sent her for tests and she was on a wait list for the clinic and we still have not heard anything about that. ah yes, he says as he shuffles through my mom's file. I understand that he sees thousands of people a year, but my mom? what the hell kinda game was she playing? anyway done and done till we get the call...

my dream of a beautiful zabuton was crushed yesterday as all they had were these square cushions that looked hard and uncomfortable. miguel is going to look for me today before he leaves chicago and perhaps I will have one of these and it should work just fine.

the afternoon was spent with my girl.

we talked, we painted, we talked, laughed and painted some more. nice quiet afternoon and quite relaxing as no one else was in the store! here is a sneak peek at what I was working on:



for more pics go here.

whoa! noon already and I feel like all I have done is - NOTHING! off I go to clear some stuff out of the way....ciao and fabulous friday to you!