there are decisions to be made every second of the day. moment to moment we decide what we are going to do. will we crawl out of bed when we feel like hiding deep in the folds of the covers? comforted by the warmth and feeling the safety of lying there and not having to face another day?
when we decide to finally wake up will we shower today? what will we wear? fix our hair or declare a "hat day". what will we eat for breakfast? do we want coffee or tea this morning. these decisions occur in the first hour of the day and already it can seem so exhausting.
I find myself floating through the day and think of you. what decisions are you making? I feel lost without you. I used to pick up the phone and there you were. where are you now? you were so good at listening and giving answers.
I have a decision to make. can you hear me? can you answer me? I don't know what to do and you would always help me to see the whole picture. I am trying to step back from the answer. I am trying to take my emotions out of it. how do I? how did you? you probably watched hundreds of people make decisions about loved ones. surgery? breathing tube? pain medication? or let them go? sometimes I can hear your voice. I smile at the sound of your laugh. I can see you in others. are you there?
I decided to make rice krispie squares and jam muffins yesterday. that was easy. I just did it and the outcome was delicious. today I decided to make lemon bars and peanut butter cookies. did you like peanut butter cookies? I know you were allergic to fish and eggs but were you allergic to peanuts? why didn't I know that about you?
there is so much I didn't know about you. so much that we still had to talk about. there was so much you still had to experience. who made the decision that you would die?
I am trying to decide to be happy today. or can I decide that? in a breath I find myself in a puddle of tears thinking about you. I want to see you, touch you, hold you and tell you that I love you and hear you say "I love you too" and then that little giggle. you always had that little giggle afterwards. as if you thought that it was kind of silly that I would say "I love you". I did love you. I do love you. that decision was easy.
just like the decision to make muffins, squares and cookies. what is the worst that could happen? I could burn them. they would taste awful, but I could start again. nobody will die from my failed baking attempts. I chose the easy decision - bake.
I hate this responsibility. all I want to do is run. escape. hide. I know that is unrealistic. I know it will have to be done and I know it will have to be me. in the meantime I will have a cookie and think about it some more.