grateful

you know when you say thank you to someone and it just doesn't seem like enough?  that's how I am feeling.  the cards I am currently holding are creating a royal flush in my life and I need to say thank you.  although I am also aware and grateful to myself for creating a lot of this goodness.  after all if we don't step forward no one is going to take that step for us.

and so I did.  I've been working very hard on healing myself.  with mom's passing it was time to take a look at my health again and start healing.  this is something that I do everyday and am still working on. I like to think of it as I do yoga - a practice.

with all the books I have read, listened to and attending speaking events I am seeing evidence of a shift.  it is pretty freakin' kewl to witness others and yourself embrace change.  I have felt moments of being so in tune with what is unfolding that I can't believe it myself.

one example of this is a workshop that I taught at The Paint Spot.  I was trying to figure out how to incorporate some of the exercises that I had learned in my recent training program.  with the help of my amazing coach Whitney we formed a plan that would include some of the work outs I learned and still allow for the calligraphy instruction to shine through.  I remember feeling the tension in the room as we gathered.  everyone had just come in from parking their cars, taking their coats off, arranging their supplies and sighing as they prepared to learn.  I started off with the scribble exercise and as we were working on our scribbles I could feel the tension melting.  when the exercise was complete the feeling was comparable to having just meditated.  I could feel the calm and see the change in their bodies.  unreal! try it yourself!

a few other things have happened that have really freaked my freak.  a discussion with my husband that could have easy escalated to one of my meltdowns found me "coaching" myself down from the ledge.  I felt the blood bubbling in my veins and I knew where I was headed but instead of going with it as I always had before I sat with it.  I felt it.  really felt it and it was kewl!  I went inside and really examined what was going on and how it really was not worth the fight.  I kept my cool and let it go.  I think my husband was surprised too.

then in the last week I have had my bank card and credit card compromised.  I leave for a month in two days!  no bank card and no visa while traveling abroad?  normally I would have been in a puddle on the floor.  tears streaming and perhaps yelling, but as I sat there and listened to my options I reminded myself to feel it.  I felt it and it felt like a big ole pile of shit on a platter but I let it go.  I said as much to the teller and she was thankful for how I was handling the situation.  I was grateful to her for all that she was trying to do to help me.

there are more instances where I feel much more confident in myself and I am so grateful for all the growth.  none of this happened without support.  support of all the resources out there on healing, grief,  friends and family.  a whole big tribe of goodness.  and of course my art.  a big ole bucket of healing with spoonfuls taken daily.  thank you!

and the big sha bang?  papa said yes!  yes to going to italy!  I am so grateful to him for believing in me and my dream of this trip.  he is fretting about packing for himself but of course I will help him out with that.  he has done a lot of healing too.  so proud of all the steps he has taken and his trust in me.  we have all been healing and now it is time to go have some fun and surround ourselves with more love and adventure!  woo!

it's happening!

Soul Journey

with nadia munarolo-kurjata

life can be messy and we all know what it is like to get

stuck in the muck. whatever change you want to CREATE

will require new, creative energy. allow me to guide you

through creative exercises that will empower you in all

areas of your life. come and discover your "artist within".

*no previous art experience required.

Date: September 15, 2013

Time: 10 am - 4 pm

Where: One Fitness & Yoga

Fee: $99.00 (includes supplies)

Register: info@onefitnessyoga.com

some days you go commando

yesterday was a shopping bust.  my day started out with meeting dad at the bank to get some more things straightened out for mom's estate.  that took WAY longer than it should have.  apparently having the same last name as my father is not proof enough that we are related.  "and he's your father?"  oh please!  fumes from those new twenties getting to ya?

then it was on to the mall.  I am not a shopper.  there I admit it.  I am not a browser.  oh, let's go shopping.  doesn't work for me.  I have a purpose and I know where I am headed.  when I veer off I rarely succeed.

so on my list was underwear, tea and face stuff.  I decided to start with the underwear.  I knew that I could find it either at sears or the bay.  sears did not have it so I headed towards the bay.  surprise, surprise it was nowhere to be found.  WTF?  why would you stop making my underwear?  I could care less if you want to "new and improve" my dish soap but leave my underwear alone!  meltdown moment.

I decided to just give up and get the face stuff done.  of course on the way I veered.  I popped into eddie bauer.  they had these very nice looking dresses.  simple enough and apparently made to keep you cool.  alright, worth a try.  ya, NO!  the waistband was right under the boobs and not flattering for my body type.  meltdown moment.  then the voices started chattering in my head.  "why can't it be easy?"  "cause you veered!"  "it was simple black dress!"  "you never shop at eddie bauer!"  blah, blah, blah!

I decided to leave the voices behind and carry on.  face stuff was pretty simple.  I knew what I was after.  I got the spiel and left with two soap samples - avocado and orange juice.  they smelled SO good!

then I veered again.  geez!  enter the fossil store.  oh my!  I used to be a faithful fossil shopper.  every season I would purchase a new bag. use it for awhile and then pop it up on kijiji.  I picked up this beautiful case and could not put it down.  I held close and although I knew it was not a need and certainly not on my list!  total loss of focus here!  I said screw it and bought it anyway and did not feel one bit of guilt or shame for my purchase.  I know that I will use it and it will come in super handy for housing my ipad mini, journal and pens.  perfect!

tea, right, TEA!  my name is nadia and I am addicted to davids tea.  more so than usual since my treatments call for no coffee, caffeine, alcohol, chocolate or mint.  somewhere down the line someone experienced minimal improvement by keeping these things in their regime and so now everyone is restricted.  I picked up three lovely herbal, caffeine free, chocolate free, mint free teas and then wait, WHA - T?  stormy night?  right in front of me!  right there in a cute little sample pack.  made perfect with the addition of chocolate, coconut and black tea.   yum!  I had this tea as a latte when it first came out last year and thought it was a special edition that was gone after the holidays.  not so my friend!

oh man!  voices caught up to me again.  "do not buy the tea!"  "just have a latte and be ok, with it".  "walk away!"  "enjoy it and feel no shame!"  

and so I did.  I enjoyed every single last drop of it as I continued on through the mall.  no guilt, no shame and surprise, surprise no more veering or failed shopping experiences.  just the feeling that right here, right now it is just me and my delicious stormy night tea getting our tea on.  stormy night?  quite funny actually considering there was a fleeting moment during the day that I felt like it was stormy and then nothing but sweet bliss!

reveal

I have been reading the most amazing book called "reveal" by meggan watterson.  I met meggan at wanderlust last august and from the moment she stepped in front of me I felt her energy.  I felt her love. I knew that whatever doubts I had about taking a trip so soon after my mom passed away had been swept away as she started to speak.  she spoke with such passion, such conviction and so much love.  she opened my eyes and my heart to what I felt was lost inside myself.  I was fortunate enough to speak with her after and thank her for coming and sharing her story and insight.

here she speaks about her book:

I was patiently waiting for the book to hit the shelves and finally lost patience and ordered it on my ipad.  I believe in buying books in the bookstore.  there is something magical about walking into a book store and searching for that one book and when you finally find it and are holding it close to your body .  you get that little dancing feeling in your gut.  at least I do.  It is like I am carrying a gift with me up to the counter and as soon as I place it down the cashier picks it up and my hope is that they too well be curious enough to check it out.  I love to share what I am excited about and what is moving me.

so for now this book is in digital format for me and I have been highlighting passages left, right and centre.  I imagine meggan's voice speaking to me as I read through it.  when it finally hits the shelves I will purchase a hard copy.  I have hard copies of all the books that I couldn't put down and that I read over and over again, share with friends and keep close by to surround me with knowledge at my fingertips.

I wanted to leave you with one of my highlighted paragraphs that helped me tremendously this weekend.  a reminder that the work that I do brings me happiness and needs to be shared.  I will carry these words with me as I move forward to share my passion with more and more people.  enjoy!

"this is the veil that lifts:  our soul-work in the world is not ultimately about what it earns us in dollars or brand names or quantifiable things.  rather, it allows us to feel the invaluable sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes from knowing we have made our own unique contribution to the world.  we receive the most when we give the love we are here to share.  soul-work is not something we have to go out and search for;  it's getting the sacred chance to reveal exactly who we are.  love."  reveal - meggan watterson

just let go

here is where I find myself today.  I am learning the art of just letting go.  I am gently easing into it.  let's face it my ideal day hardly ever happens as planned and I need to accept that and be okay with it.  I am better at letting go of what people think about me or what they expect of me.  you get what you get and if you like it you are welcome to hang around and if not I make no apologies for being me.

artful letters used to wrap up a gift

so if I had my ideal day it would look something like this.  wake up to puppy kisses.  head outside for a walk with the dog.  come back and meditate.  do some writing and then hit the mat for yoga.  after taking my vitamins I will whip up a green juice and let it slide down my throat and hit my bloodstream for a shot of goodness.

birthday card for a beautiful niece inspired by francie alberts bredeson

before entering the shower I will dry brush my body.  after a long hot shower where the unwanted body hair magically falls off my body I will dry off and moisturize from head to toe.  brushing and flossing will follow and make up and hair and dressing will be stress free.

some beautiful music or podcast will fill the air with sound as I hit the studio for a morning of play and discovery.  and the day will continue with a glorious lunch.  another walk with the dog,  play date with a friend, cappuccino and cookie for an afternoon break and then the evening starts.  a beautiful colorful meal, no tv, more meditation and writing, a long bath with some reading and then jump into a big comfy bed for a good sleep.

ok, so perhaps I have some lofty ideas about what a perfect day looks like or perhaps it seems to simple for most.  either way somedays the planned out day turns out looking a lot like a pile of pencil shavings as in this picture.

despite the pieces I love the colours!

I was asked the other day if I was under any stress and as the words came out of my mouth I could not believe the truth that came out.  it was as if someone else was speaking for me.  perhaps it was my inner guide or my soul?  I said that I have a list of things that I want to get done, checked off and off my list.  there is no one behind me checking to see if I am getting those things done.  the reality is that many of those things do not matter to anyone else but me.  I am the boss and I am the one putting all the pressure on myself to get things done that I have put on the list.  how twisted is that?  but I remembered it and I have been carrying those words with me.

messages from a magazine

I took some slack off myself.  I missed a day of meditating.  the mat remained rolled up.  I had eggs on toast instead of green juice.  I was enjoying the warm water hitting my skin in the shower when I realized I forgot to dry brush!

and then in a magical moment I just let go.  I told myself it was okay.  that I would continue to move through the day and even smile once or twice.  I would just let it unfold as it will.  I would fire myself as the boss and hire myself as a friend.  my friend would never put that much pressure on me!

speaking of friends I have been inspired by one lately.  she moved her supplies into her dining room so that she would have everything laid out in one place for an online class.  after the online class she started inviting people to come and create at her dining room table.  she shared with me how wonderful she has felt and how much happier she is.  was it the course?  was it the friends?  was it the location?  whatever it was I was happy that she was feeling good and confident and happy.

then a funny thing happened to me.  I moved some of my supplies into the kitchen for a day of sharing and the next day I found myself at the kitchen table.  It just came pouring out of me.  I couldn't stop.  I was smiling.  I felt energetic.  I was happy.  of course I had to share with her what I discovered as I could not believe it myself.

the kitchen table "studio"

was it the location?  was it the friends?  whatever it was or is I am grateful that something inside me stirred and I am just gonna keep going with it.  let it unfold and enjoy the ride. 

and in the meantime and in between time if I happen to walk, meditate, do yoga, drink a green juice, dry brush and end my day with a long bath - awesome!  and if I don't?  AWESOME!  it's all in how we look at it!

letter vortex inspired by joanne sharpe

 AND I am enjoying the view from here!  sending you the strength to let go just a little and smile.

I think I came up with a definition of what I do!

happy birthday mama

mama blowing out the candles 2012

oh mama.  it's your birthday today.  I am hoping that wherever you are that you are surrounded by tons of people and that you are eating lots of cake.

you always loved sweets.  you would bake a cake, buy a pie or pick up some doughnuts and after offering us some you would promptly eat up the rest.  I still don't know how you stayed so slim eating all those sweets.

I remember in italy when zio would pick up a tray of pastries for you and you would sit there devouring each one.  you would get lost in the taste and texture of each one.

I remember when you tried time and time again to make lemon meringue pie cause you knew it was my favourite and the meringue would always flop.  it was still good mama.  it was fine.  every time I see a lemon meringue pie I think of you.

I remember when you used to make the sherry wine cake from auntie louise's recipe.  it would always take me back to california when we first met everyone and the times we shared together.  the laughter, the celebration and of course lots of sweets.  I found the recipe in your cupboard and made it for dad.  dan had some too and I was able to tell him the story of how it all came to be.

I remember when you tried to make gluten free muffins for me because you wanted me to have something sweet to eat.  they were awful weren't they mama?  but you tried and you did it with love.  you were so concerned that I couldn't eat much.  you were so scared that I was really sick and keeping it from you.

I remember when you were going to the day program at st. joe's and you wanted to bring something for your birthday.  kind of like kids in school bring cupcakes.  so I made cupcakes, bought icing and sprinkles so that you could have something to bring.  I remember you, dad and I sitting around the kitchen table decorating the cupcakes.  you and I were icing and I think most of the icing ended up in your mouth.  you kept licking your fingers and I kept telling you to stop and you would just giggle.  that was the good part about your illness.  it helped you to relax more about life.  we would hand them over to dad who would cover them in sprinkles.  swearing the whole time that they were getting everywhere and why in the heck are we doing this anyway.  you were SO proud to bring your cupcakes in to share with the other patients.  you told the story of how they came together.  you loved sharing with people and loved telling stories.

so mama, I miss you.  I'm sending you a great big kiss and a hug.  I love you and hope you have a wonderful day.  I can almost hear you saying "I love you too honey".  ciao bella...

release and get naked...

this release was urged on by this post.  thank you jenny!  we have been in our current home for about a year and a half and my studio has undergone two re do's already.  I had the perfect furniture all picked out for when we moved in and then it just wasn't working.

so I sold some pieces and started over with what I thought was my dream studio.  except that it now feels like it still isn't inviting.  I dabble in many areas.  I am a painter, a calligrapher, a book maker, I teach art workshops and also sew and whatever else I can get my hands into.  I have tried to narrow down my loves and tried to get rid of what no longer serves me.

that being said I still seem to hang on to things that might one day be useful in a class or project.  the thing is that these "things" are taking up space in my studio.  space in my head and in my heart.  they are weighing me down but what to do with them?

work in progress on the fold down table

the pieces that I painted, the bags that I sewed, the jewelry that sits.  some came back to me from a store that was consigning them for me.  some are etsy fails.  some are just pieces that I worked on and put aside.  where do they go?  do I just throw them out?  it seems like a waste.  and that is another thing.  I like to use recycled items in my art work so nothing is waste to me! 

sewing station with artists I admire wall in the background

 I used to have three bedrooms upstairs and now I have two.  it seems like some of the things have been stuffed in here because they have no where else to go.  like the printer!

the printer unit next to pieces already framed and works in progress

the corner unit was purchased so that the printer would be out of the way.  that whole corner unit really serves no purpose.  it houses the typewriter and some trinkets that are near and dear to me but other than that no real storage purpose.

the closet with all my filled art journals, books, paper and empty sketchbooks

 when I see it in pictures it looks like a disaster!  I have been working hard on my innards and it seems like my outer is not reflecting what I am seeking to feel on a daily basis.  peace.

great room

 we finally committed to a new couch for the great room.  the rest of the house seems so wide open and uncluttered.  people walk in and comment about how I haven't unpacked yet.  no, I have.  this is how I am.  simple.  things that matter are scattered about, but not a lot.

shelf with treasures from travel and friends

 we still need to buy key pieces of furniture but we hunt and then we freeze.  the uncertainty drives me insane!  my hubby keeps reminding me that our old house did not come together over night and to be patient.  I am all for patience but I need my studio space, my sacred space to feel inviting and peaceful.  right now it feels like a dumping ground.  it's like holding on to your old boyfriends picture that you might want to look at again one day.  although that is not a very good example cause I do have his picture - somewhere.  

dan's guitar sitting on a chair I found in a snowbank and refinished

 there are reminders of my loves all over.  it is a home and not just a house.  it feels peaceful and calming.  inviting and comfortable.  except for the studio!

bathroom shelf with more treasures and trinkets

what is the real fear in releasing these things that do not serve us?  albeit things we created and although they did serve a purpose through the process of creating them - now what?

I could get all caught up in using the old paintings and creating new ones over top.  yeah!  keep those!  blah!  ugh!  I thought about leaving them in public places for people to pick up if they choose, but isn't that littering?

it's funny.  I have no problem going into other artist's studios tossing and revamping but for some reason I am stuck with mine.  do I haul everything out and set up the furniture and only bring in what I use?  but I MIGHT use THAT someday....

I remember my mom who used to clean houses for a living and how she would toss out things to clear out spaces for her clients.  she always told me I had too much junk.  hmmmm....in going through her house and her things I discovered that the fact is she had a lot of junk!  she just hid it well.  on the surface her house was always clean and always tidy but in those drawers, boxes and closets was a whole different story.

I think she held onto things - just because too!

so let me pose this question to you today - what if you let go of something and it allowed you that space to live in peace and be open to all the new and wonderful things to come?  and I am not just talking about material things here.  think about it.  and let me know how it goes!