reveal

I have been reading the most amazing book called "reveal" by meggan watterson.  I met meggan at wanderlust last august and from the moment she stepped in front of me I felt her energy.  I felt her love. I knew that whatever doubts I had about taking a trip so soon after my mom passed away had been swept away as she started to speak.  she spoke with such passion, such conviction and so much love.  she opened my eyes and my heart to what I felt was lost inside myself.  I was fortunate enough to speak with her after and thank her for coming and sharing her story and insight.

here she speaks about her book:

I was patiently waiting for the book to hit the shelves and finally lost patience and ordered it on my ipad.  I believe in buying books in the bookstore.  there is something magical about walking into a book store and searching for that one book and when you finally find it and are holding it close to your body .  you get that little dancing feeling in your gut.  at least I do.  It is like I am carrying a gift with me up to the counter and as soon as I place it down the cashier picks it up and my hope is that they too well be curious enough to check it out.  I love to share what I am excited about and what is moving me.

so for now this book is in digital format for me and I have been highlighting passages left, right and centre.  I imagine meggan's voice speaking to me as I read through it.  when it finally hits the shelves I will purchase a hard copy.  I have hard copies of all the books that I couldn't put down and that I read over and over again, share with friends and keep close by to surround me with knowledge at my fingertips.

I wanted to leave you with one of my highlighted paragraphs that helped me tremendously this weekend.  a reminder that the work that I do brings me happiness and needs to be shared.  I will carry these words with me as I move forward to share my passion with more and more people.  enjoy!

"this is the veil that lifts:  our soul-work in the world is not ultimately about what it earns us in dollars or brand names or quantifiable things.  rather, it allows us to feel the invaluable sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes from knowing we have made our own unique contribution to the world.  we receive the most when we give the love we are here to share.  soul-work is not something we have to go out and search for;  it's getting the sacred chance to reveal exactly who we are.  love."  reveal - meggan watterson

just let go

here is where I find myself today.  I am learning the art of just letting go.  I am gently easing into it.  let's face it my ideal day hardly ever happens as planned and I need to accept that and be okay with it.  I am better at letting go of what people think about me or what they expect of me.  you get what you get and if you like it you are welcome to hang around and if not I make no apologies for being me.

artful letters used to wrap up a gift

so if I had my ideal day it would look something like this.  wake up to puppy kisses.  head outside for a walk with the dog.  come back and meditate.  do some writing and then hit the mat for yoga.  after taking my vitamins I will whip up a green juice and let it slide down my throat and hit my bloodstream for a shot of goodness.

birthday card for a beautiful niece inspired by francie alberts bredeson

before entering the shower I will dry brush my body.  after a long hot shower where the unwanted body hair magically falls off my body I will dry off and moisturize from head to toe.  brushing and flossing will follow and make up and hair and dressing will be stress free.

some beautiful music or podcast will fill the air with sound as I hit the studio for a morning of play and discovery.  and the day will continue with a glorious lunch.  another walk with the dog,  play date with a friend, cappuccino and cookie for an afternoon break and then the evening starts.  a beautiful colorful meal, no tv, more meditation and writing, a long bath with some reading and then jump into a big comfy bed for a good sleep.

ok, so perhaps I have some lofty ideas about what a perfect day looks like or perhaps it seems to simple for most.  either way somedays the planned out day turns out looking a lot like a pile of pencil shavings as in this picture.

despite the pieces I love the colours!

I was asked the other day if I was under any stress and as the words came out of my mouth I could not believe the truth that came out.  it was as if someone else was speaking for me.  perhaps it was my inner guide or my soul?  I said that I have a list of things that I want to get done, checked off and off my list.  there is no one behind me checking to see if I am getting those things done.  the reality is that many of those things do not matter to anyone else but me.  I am the boss and I am the one putting all the pressure on myself to get things done that I have put on the list.  how twisted is that?  but I remembered it and I have been carrying those words with me.

messages from a magazine

I took some slack off myself.  I missed a day of meditating.  the mat remained rolled up.  I had eggs on toast instead of green juice.  I was enjoying the warm water hitting my skin in the shower when I realized I forgot to dry brush!

and then in a magical moment I just let go.  I told myself it was okay.  that I would continue to move through the day and even smile once or twice.  I would just let it unfold as it will.  I would fire myself as the boss and hire myself as a friend.  my friend would never put that much pressure on me!

speaking of friends I have been inspired by one lately.  she moved her supplies into her dining room so that she would have everything laid out in one place for an online class.  after the online class she started inviting people to come and create at her dining room table.  she shared with me how wonderful she has felt and how much happier she is.  was it the course?  was it the friends?  was it the location?  whatever it was I was happy that she was feeling good and confident and happy.

then a funny thing happened to me.  I moved some of my supplies into the kitchen for a day of sharing and the next day I found myself at the kitchen table.  It just came pouring out of me.  I couldn't stop.  I was smiling.  I felt energetic.  I was happy.  of course I had to share with her what I discovered as I could not believe it myself.

the kitchen table "studio"

was it the location?  was it the friends?  whatever it was or is I am grateful that something inside me stirred and I am just gonna keep going with it.  let it unfold and enjoy the ride. 

and in the meantime and in between time if I happen to walk, meditate, do yoga, drink a green juice, dry brush and end my day with a long bath - awesome!  and if I don't?  AWESOME!  it's all in how we look at it!

letter vortex inspired by joanne sharpe

 AND I am enjoying the view from here!  sending you the strength to let go just a little and smile.

I think I came up with a definition of what I do!

happy birthday mama

mama blowing out the candles 2012

oh mama.  it's your birthday today.  I am hoping that wherever you are that you are surrounded by tons of people and that you are eating lots of cake.

you always loved sweets.  you would bake a cake, buy a pie or pick up some doughnuts and after offering us some you would promptly eat up the rest.  I still don't know how you stayed so slim eating all those sweets.

I remember in italy when zio would pick up a tray of pastries for you and you would sit there devouring each one.  you would get lost in the taste and texture of each one.

I remember when you tried time and time again to make lemon meringue pie cause you knew it was my favourite and the meringue would always flop.  it was still good mama.  it was fine.  every time I see a lemon meringue pie I think of you.

I remember when you used to make the sherry wine cake from auntie louise's recipe.  it would always take me back to california when we first met everyone and the times we shared together.  the laughter, the celebration and of course lots of sweets.  I found the recipe in your cupboard and made it for dad.  dan had some too and I was able to tell him the story of how it all came to be.

I remember when you tried to make gluten free muffins for me because you wanted me to have something sweet to eat.  they were awful weren't they mama?  but you tried and you did it with love.  you were so concerned that I couldn't eat much.  you were so scared that I was really sick and keeping it from you.

I remember when you were going to the day program at st. joe's and you wanted to bring something for your birthday.  kind of like kids in school bring cupcakes.  so I made cupcakes, bought icing and sprinkles so that you could have something to bring.  I remember you, dad and I sitting around the kitchen table decorating the cupcakes.  you and I were icing and I think most of the icing ended up in your mouth.  you kept licking your fingers and I kept telling you to stop and you would just giggle.  that was the good part about your illness.  it helped you to relax more about life.  we would hand them over to dad who would cover them in sprinkles.  swearing the whole time that they were getting everywhere and why in the heck are we doing this anyway.  you were SO proud to bring your cupcakes in to share with the other patients.  you told the story of how they came together.  you loved sharing with people and loved telling stories.

so mama, I miss you.  I'm sending you a great big kiss and a hug.  I love you and hope you have a wonderful day.  I can almost hear you saying "I love you too honey".  ciao bella...

release and get naked...

this release was urged on by this post.  thank you jenny!  we have been in our current home for about a year and a half and my studio has undergone two re do's already.  I had the perfect furniture all picked out for when we moved in and then it just wasn't working.

so I sold some pieces and started over with what I thought was my dream studio.  except that it now feels like it still isn't inviting.  I dabble in many areas.  I am a painter, a calligrapher, a book maker, I teach art workshops and also sew and whatever else I can get my hands into.  I have tried to narrow down my loves and tried to get rid of what no longer serves me.

that being said I still seem to hang on to things that might one day be useful in a class or project.  the thing is that these "things" are taking up space in my studio.  space in my head and in my heart.  they are weighing me down but what to do with them?

work in progress on the fold down table

the pieces that I painted, the bags that I sewed, the jewelry that sits.  some came back to me from a store that was consigning them for me.  some are etsy fails.  some are just pieces that I worked on and put aside.  where do they go?  do I just throw them out?  it seems like a waste.  and that is another thing.  I like to use recycled items in my art work so nothing is waste to me! 

sewing station with artists I admire wall in the background

 I used to have three bedrooms upstairs and now I have two.  it seems like some of the things have been stuffed in here because they have no where else to go.  like the printer!

the printer unit next to pieces already framed and works in progress

the corner unit was purchased so that the printer would be out of the way.  that whole corner unit really serves no purpose.  it houses the typewriter and some trinkets that are near and dear to me but other than that no real storage purpose.

the closet with all my filled art journals, books, paper and empty sketchbooks

 when I see it in pictures it looks like a disaster!  I have been working hard on my innards and it seems like my outer is not reflecting what I am seeking to feel on a daily basis.  peace.

great room

 we finally committed to a new couch for the great room.  the rest of the house seems so wide open and uncluttered.  people walk in and comment about how I haven't unpacked yet.  no, I have.  this is how I am.  simple.  things that matter are scattered about, but not a lot.

shelf with treasures from travel and friends

 we still need to buy key pieces of furniture but we hunt and then we freeze.  the uncertainty drives me insane!  my hubby keeps reminding me that our old house did not come together over night and to be patient.  I am all for patience but I need my studio space, my sacred space to feel inviting and peaceful.  right now it feels like a dumping ground.  it's like holding on to your old boyfriends picture that you might want to look at again one day.  although that is not a very good example cause I do have his picture - somewhere.  

dan's guitar sitting on a chair I found in a snowbank and refinished

 there are reminders of my loves all over.  it is a home and not just a house.  it feels peaceful and calming.  inviting and comfortable.  except for the studio!

bathroom shelf with more treasures and trinkets

what is the real fear in releasing these things that do not serve us?  albeit things we created and although they did serve a purpose through the process of creating them - now what?

I could get all caught up in using the old paintings and creating new ones over top.  yeah!  keep those!  blah!  ugh!  I thought about leaving them in public places for people to pick up if they choose, but isn't that littering?

it's funny.  I have no problem going into other artist's studios tossing and revamping but for some reason I am stuck with mine.  do I haul everything out and set up the furniture and only bring in what I use?  but I MIGHT use THAT someday....

I remember my mom who used to clean houses for a living and how she would toss out things to clear out spaces for her clients.  she always told me I had too much junk.  hmmmm....in going through her house and her things I discovered that the fact is she had a lot of junk!  she just hid it well.  on the surface her house was always clean and always tidy but in those drawers, boxes and closets was a whole different story.

I think she held onto things - just because too!

so let me pose this question to you today - what if you let go of something and it allowed you that space to live in peace and be open to all the new and wonderful things to come?  and I am not just talking about material things here.  think about it.  and let me know how it goes!

Happy Valentine's Day!

in the studio today...

 this was certainly not the plan for today but the "idea porch" works in mysterious ways.  whilst out on the porch this snowy, grey, cold morning my thoughts wandered to this canvas.  it has been sitting around waiting for something for quite awhile.

according to the photos I dug up this piece began in the old house.  which would be circa 2010.  apparently whatever was once a beginning was in the process of being covered up.

I am assuming that I picked the blue and yellow because those were going to be our colours for the new place.

and somewhere along the line I decided that the yellow stunk and covered it up with white and then did some doodling, speckling and who knows what else.  I do recall finding a quote that I wanted to incorporate into the piece and set it aside for - later.

the "idea porch" was telling me to dig out that piece right now and get the letters on there.  the other day the man asked if I had any finished art work to hang on our still bare walls.  uh, nope!  so maybe that was in the back of my mind.  not sure but I pulled the quote out from the back of the frame and lettered it on.  I used watercolour to fill in the letters and declared it done.

then I pieced some scrap paper together to see how it would look above the tv.  hmmm....what do you think? it's an odd wall with the fireplace and mantle to the left and that ugly black box in the middle.

 I took another look at the piece that I declared done and thought that maybe it needed something else?  I am tempted to take some sandpaper to it and see what I can uncover underneath!  oh dear!  just when we think we have ticked something off from long ago we still question its completion.  then again I can always splash some gesso on it and voila - blank canvas!

well, we all know how terrifying the blank canvas can be!  gawd!  whatcha working on in your studio today?

beloved tammy...

tammy and I in Italy 2010

it's been a week of up and down emotions.  tomorrow will be one year that we said good bye to our girl.  such a beautiful lady with so much promise.  so much love and so much more to give.

some days I almost pick up the phone to call her forgetting that she has passed.  some days I sit and am filled with immense gratitude for all the moments we did share.  after our parents immigrated from italy they lived together in a basement suite.  I knew tammy from the day she was born.  we spent many days together growing up and taking vacations together with our families and then without.  I have many fond memories of her.  I was the one who took her to the bar for the first time.  she was still under age and SO nervous.

some days though I am pissed and the wound feels like it is still gaping open and it hurts like hell.  I tell myself chin up and carry on.  she kept telling us not to be sad.  she was strong till the bitter end.  I feel ripped off and still unable to understand.  I try to have faith and then I try not to scream about all the ugliness of it all.  "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" and "everything happens for a reason" ringing in my head loud like sirens whirling down the street.

I am working on trying to make sense of it.  I guess not sense of it but trying to work on living my life in a way that I can be proud.  not to waste it on petty arguments or super woman behaviour.  trying to enjoy "being in the moment".  whether it is good or bad I am trying to lean towards love and away from fear.  that whack upside my head telling me that there is no sense in fearing that which we do not know.

what I do know is that I miss her.  I love her and I feel her here with me.  I talk to her often.  sometimes when I need guidance and other times to just vent.  she always was a good listener and still is.

tomorrow night we will light up the night for you tammy.  peace dear friend, peace.

I had to share this beautiful poem with you all!

unboundby nancy levin  

we may never know
how we hold
all we can
or how the light catches us
when we are out of breath

it’s a sign of healing
to be feeling again

the real breakthrough
can only arise
from heartbreak

that which ails
cures
reminding us
that it’s always about beginning
and then beginning again

as the waves crash me
i trust the sand
to polish my edges smooth
dissolving denial
revealing real while
courage and confidence
ignite my core

contraction and expansion
let the light stream in
and the stillness
after so much thrashing about
allows the body to wring
the sorrow out

as freedom floods
shadows may persist
know your undertow
as you alchemize the dark
and remember
that you always have
the strength to choose
how to engage

the clouds unveil the view
when you are ready to climb
now it’s time to notice
the miraculous moments
in your life
as they are happening

this
is the making
of me
and we will walk
courageously
into daybreak
from the night
shining our light
together