beloved tammy...

tammy and I in Italy 2010

it's been a week of up and down emotions.  tomorrow will be one year that we said good bye to our girl.  such a beautiful lady with so much promise.  so much love and so much more to give.

some days I almost pick up the phone to call her forgetting that she has passed.  some days I sit and am filled with immense gratitude for all the moments we did share.  after our parents immigrated from italy they lived together in a basement suite.  I knew tammy from the day she was born.  we spent many days together growing up and taking vacations together with our families and then without.  I have many fond memories of her.  I was the one who took her to the bar for the first time.  she was still under age and SO nervous.

some days though I am pissed and the wound feels like it is still gaping open and it hurts like hell.  I tell myself chin up and carry on.  she kept telling us not to be sad.  she was strong till the bitter end.  I feel ripped off and still unable to understand.  I try to have faith and then I try not to scream about all the ugliness of it all.  "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" and "everything happens for a reason" ringing in my head loud like sirens whirling down the street.

I am working on trying to make sense of it.  I guess not sense of it but trying to work on living my life in a way that I can be proud.  not to waste it on petty arguments or super woman behaviour.  trying to enjoy "being in the moment".  whether it is good or bad I am trying to lean towards love and away from fear.  that whack upside my head telling me that there is no sense in fearing that which we do not know.

what I do know is that I miss her.  I love her and I feel her here with me.  I talk to her often.  sometimes when I need guidance and other times to just vent.  she always was a good listener and still is.

tomorrow night we will light up the night for you tammy.  peace dear friend, peace.

I had to share this beautiful poem with you all!

unboundby nancy levin  

we may never know
how we hold
all we can
or how the light catches us
when we are out of breath

it’s a sign of healing
to be feeling again

the real breakthrough
can only arise
from heartbreak

that which ails
cures
reminding us
that it’s always about beginning
and then beginning again

as the waves crash me
i trust the sand
to polish my edges smooth
dissolving denial
revealing real while
courage and confidence
ignite my core

contraction and expansion
let the light stream in
and the stillness
after so much thrashing about
allows the body to wring
the sorrow out

as freedom floods
shadows may persist
know your undertow
as you alchemize the dark
and remember
that you always have
the strength to choose
how to engage

the clouds unveil the view
when you are ready to climb
now it’s time to notice
the miraculous moments
in your life
as they are happening

this
is the making
of me
and we will walk
courageously
into daybreak
from the night
shining our light
together

italy 2010

today we would have celebrated her 45th birthday.  I have thought of her often during these last few weeks.  at the home begging her to hear me and take mom.  take her so that she does not suffer anymore.  please, tammy, please, help!

on the porch when I did not know what the next step should be.  when I threw my hands up in the air and let the tears pour out of me.  I called for her.  what do I do?  what should I do?  how can I do this?

when tammy was diagnosed with breast cancer her courage came shining through.  her smile made it seem like - meh, this too shall pass.  she was brave and beautiful through every step.

when the team was formed to walk 60 km for two days to raise funds for breast cancer she was the one up ahead making it look like it was a breeze.  her brother's knee was bugging him.  her sister changed shoes as her feet were hurting.  and I was just weeks shy of my first marathon so I had been training hard but I had ice packs on my ass.  the three of us walking behind her trying to mask the pain.  how could she do this?  she turned around at one point and said to me "you ok?"  I couldn't believe it!  "am I ok?" I said.  "I am ok because you are showing me that no matter how much pain and suffering you went through you are still here.  you are not giving up.  you've never given up!  and yes, I am ok and I love you and let's keep going."  from that moment on she became my angel.  her beautiful smile and her strength kept me going.

when I finally did run the marathon and "hit the wall" as they say I could feel her on my shoulder.  her strength and her support telling me I could do it.  keep going...  and I did and I finished and she was there all along.

this past october was a celebration for five years cancer free!  woo!  december on the beach with family.  and a new year in january.  new goals, new dreams, a future of possibilities.  2012 we are gonna knock you out of the park!

and then came the call.  at first I thought it was her father.  he had been in and out of the hospital every month for the past year.  no, no it is tammy.  it is tammy.  those words brought me to my knees.  the cancer is back.  they've admitted her.  they are running tests.  they are...."I'm coming" I said.  on my way to the hospital and I still am not sure how I made it there in one piece.  all I could say was "why?" why and WTF?  there must be some mistake.  she is going to be fine.  she went through this once before.  why?  how can it be back?

when I saw her laying there I could not believe my eyes.  "hey" I said.  "wtf?"  I held back the tears as best I could.  I hugged her tight and told her "you got this".  yes, she agreed.  "why?" we both said together.  her answer was "I guess I didn't get the lesson the first time".  people say everything happens for a reason and there is always a lesson to be learned.  phft!

again through it all she was brave, she was strong and she amazed me.  the night we said our final good bye she told us not to cry.  she said it was alright.  she told us to take care of each other.  it ripped my heart open to leave her.  to know that I would never hug her again.  see her smile so bright and her giggle each time I told her I loved her.  how beautiful she was.  a true beauty, inside and out.

she continues to be there for me.  I can feel her on my shoulder.  she is helping me to get through all of this.  I can feel her pulling me back when the red flags pop up and her gentle push when I should be brave and go forward.  thank you tammy.  thank you for always being there!

happy birthday beautiful tammy!  I have my bellini ready!  cheers to you!  you incredible courageous and gorgeous woman.  I love you!