beloved tammy...

tammy and I in Italy 2010

it's been a week of up and down emotions.  tomorrow will be one year that we said good bye to our girl.  such a beautiful lady with so much promise.  so much love and so much more to give.

some days I almost pick up the phone to call her forgetting that she has passed.  some days I sit and am filled with immense gratitude for all the moments we did share.  after our parents immigrated from italy they lived together in a basement suite.  I knew tammy from the day she was born.  we spent many days together growing up and taking vacations together with our families and then without.  I have many fond memories of her.  I was the one who took her to the bar for the first time.  she was still under age and SO nervous.

some days though I am pissed and the wound feels like it is still gaping open and it hurts like hell.  I tell myself chin up and carry on.  she kept telling us not to be sad.  she was strong till the bitter end.  I feel ripped off and still unable to understand.  I try to have faith and then I try not to scream about all the ugliness of it all.  "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" and "everything happens for a reason" ringing in my head loud like sirens whirling down the street.

I am working on trying to make sense of it.  I guess not sense of it but trying to work on living my life in a way that I can be proud.  not to waste it on petty arguments or super woman behaviour.  trying to enjoy "being in the moment".  whether it is good or bad I am trying to lean towards love and away from fear.  that whack upside my head telling me that there is no sense in fearing that which we do not know.

what I do know is that I miss her.  I love her and I feel her here with me.  I talk to her often.  sometimes when I need guidance and other times to just vent.  she always was a good listener and still is.

tomorrow night we will light up the night for you tammy.  peace dear friend, peace.

I had to share this beautiful poem with you all!

unboundby nancy levin  

we may never know
how we hold
all we can
or how the light catches us
when we are out of breath

it’s a sign of healing
to be feeling again

the real breakthrough
can only arise
from heartbreak

that which ails
cures
reminding us
that it’s always about beginning
and then beginning again

as the waves crash me
i trust the sand
to polish my edges smooth
dissolving denial
revealing real while
courage and confidence
ignite my core

contraction and expansion
let the light stream in
and the stillness
after so much thrashing about
allows the body to wring
the sorrow out

as freedom floods
shadows may persist
know your undertow
as you alchemize the dark
and remember
that you always have
the strength to choose
how to engage

the clouds unveil the view
when you are ready to climb
now it’s time to notice
the miraculous moments
in your life
as they are happening

this
is the making
of me
and we will walk
courageously
into daybreak
from the night
shining our light
together