away we go!

back to the beach for this girl.  I love to travel - I do.  although this trip was agreed to with much reserve.  I wasn't sure if it felt right.  so much happened this year and who am I to be whisked away to the beautiful ocean?

travelling art kit

worries about my dad and how we will handle christmas this year without my mom.  it is kurjata christmas which means we will be trekking north to be with the big huge wonderful family.  it will be wonderful to see everyone again.  to see their smiles, the new babies and to comfort each other with all that we have been through and are going through this year.

pencils, scissors, tape etc.

so this get away had me on edge.  worried.  angry.  sleepless nights and nights filled with weird dreams.   dreams of dead people and scary dreams.  planning parties, workshops and appointments for when I get back.  I am still battling whatever this cough thing is that got a hold of me in september and has set up house in my system.  being sick does not help to build excitement.

assortment of paints and mediums

as I packed I kept telling myself that this would be a time to slow down.  no rushing around.  take your time.   I plan to sit still and quiet my mind.  I plan to listen to the ocean and let it sing its song to me.  I plan to write.  write and write and write and get all of this junk out of my head and onto the page.  with the sun kissing my skin and the sand tickling my toes I am gonna let myself go and let go.

all packed up and ready!

 with all the slowing down this girl had to bring along the stuff that makes her happy.  my art supplies!  I have it down to a science when it comes to packing light and still having enough stuff to let myself create everyday as I say.  

journals, reading, inspiration

I have some good audio books to keep my going while my fingers are busy.  we have some natalie goldberg (of course!), anne lamott (could listen to her over and over and have!), pema chodron, debbie ford, marianne williamson, deepak chopra, danielle laporte (she has a new one coming out soon btw!), brene brown and annie dillard.

to read I grabbed "old friend from far away" by natalie goldberg.  it has some great prompts in it and I just love this woman!  "the places that scare you" by pema chodron (recommend by linda - thanks girl!) and "poemcrazy" by susan wooldridge (more writing!).

with plan in place I keep telling myself to stop planning!  ha ha!  it is such a merry go round in my head right now.  which way to turn or just throw in the towel.  so many thoughts and questions fill my head and I am aching for some answers and some direction.  let's keep that in mind as we let go - shall we?

I know it may sound silly to think that I can go away and transform in a week.  I know it could happen just as well here.  I know that you might be saying to yourself - she is going to the beach and sit still?  what about the tours and all that there is to see?  oh not to worry.  I will be partaking in a few sights, sounds and tasty treats and ice cold drinks but I want to savour it.  I want it to fill me up and I want to fold it up and put it in my pocket so that when I get back I can pull it out as a reminder.

I am not expecting a grand epiphany or anything but I do NEED to calm down, sit still and inhale some good air.  I am a junkie for the ocean.  the combination of the water, the sun and the sand just makes me feel whole.  I always say that the stork dropped me off in the wrong continent!

be well and much gratitude for all of your kind words and suggestions.  it warms my heart to know that I am not alone and we have all been there or are there now.  you matter!  you are loved!  peace

perhaps you should...

this may turn into a deep post.  it may not.  it may seem like a joke to some.  to others it may awaken something that has been dormant.

since the passing of my mother I have been working on my routine.  is that the right word?  routine as in - what did I do "before" mom was sick?  what did my life look like before I opened my journal and the first to - do was "mom"?

I have been reading - alot.  not so much novels per say but good juicy books full of good things and not so good things and things to think about.  some of the ones I have been through or are sitting on my nightstand are:

this I know by susannah conway

return to love by marianne williamson

untie the strong woman by clarrisa pinkola estes

tibetan sound healing by tenzin wangyal rimpoche

my most recent read is the secret of the shadow by debbie ford.  so I am reading away yesterday while waiting for the hair colour to cover the grey and I was gob smacked.  I was in the middle of a salon reading and wanted to scream "what the fuck?"  that was the first thing that came to mind and then it was more along the lines of "holy shit" and "absolutely true".  It felt as if debbie ford had jumped off the page and was holding my hand and having a conversation with me.  not a welcome conversation, but nonetheless stuff I should hear.  I mean I've heard it.  we've all heard it.  do we listen?  do we ignore it and carry on?  yeah, that one!  that's me!  I live in my story.  we all have a story.  we all have something that continues to show up in our life and keeps us from getting to the other side of our dreams.  it may not even be a dream but a goal.

fine I'll speak for myself since it is "me" that I am trying to find.  I've felt lost lately and according to many justifiably so with what I have just gone through.  except that I keep telling myself that I can't live in this story for much longer.  I am running out of time.  life is short - as I have seen countless times this year.  the time is, for certain - NOW!

the words that struck me in debbie's book as words that I could hear out loud were the ones that talked about our stories and how so many times we reach out to try to "fix" something in our lives.  we buy self help books, see healers, go on a diet, start meditating and so on when really all of this is kind of a band aid that yes will help heal the sore, but new sores will pop up.  it is beneath the surface that we shall go.

there are stories in this book that were - ya, done that!  I didn't succeed and therefore YOU were right along - I really am good for nothing.  we are so hell bent on being right and not having it all that we give up living the life of our dreams.  some of us start to use our excuses as truths.  we start to believe that what we are saying is actually true and a fact when in reality it couldn't be further from the truth.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense.  it is all still so fresh in my own mind.  I keep rereading the chapter on "reclaiming your power".  one of my favourite lines:

"even if you've been living inside the story that life has done it to you, when you can say, "I'm doing it to me," you will have the power to stop it or do it differently.  the voice of power says, "I'm doing it, I created it.  I'm responsible for it.  I can change it."

if you have read this book or are interested in reading it I would love to hear your thoughts on it.  I haven't even finished it cause I keep going back and rereading parts of it that spoke to me.

"I can change it" has been replaying through my mind.  which essentially means that "I have the power".  I like that.  for so long I felt so powerless when it came to mom and her illness and decisions that needed to be made.  plans that needed to be rearranged, cancelled or needed to remain still.

yesterday my stylist and I talked about dreams and plans and such.  often we talk about "getting away".  like "getting away" makes it all better or something.

I shared this with my husband the other day - "yeah, so we go away.  we lay on the beach for a week, soak up the sun and kick back and then we come back to all this bullshit".

it was hard for me to say that out loud and even harder still for me to write it, but it is my truth right now.  I want what is right here in front of me to be my "get away feeling".  

and as amy and I talked about building forts and beds covered in mounds of pillows and mattresses on the floor I started thinking about how things could change around here.  I can "change" IT.

round, round, we go...

I lead the program last night at our monthly calligraphic meeting.  this years theme is "26 letters" and I have taken that theme a bit further by adding "letters" or snail mail.  I have the honour of organizing the programs for the year with various ideas on how to decorate an envelope.  there will be a variety of instructors to come who will share their unique take on "letters" or "snail mail".  we are hoping that this will spread our art of lettering throughout the community and encourage members to spruce up their mailings.  with all the technology lately it seems like no one sends mail like we used to.  how wonderful would it be to find a lovely decorated envelope in your mailbox?  I wanted to share with you what I lead the members with last night.

I took some circle punches and created stencils to use.  then I locked myself in the studio with the stencils, pencil crayons and let my mind play with different ideas for circles.

the first idea I had was to draw a fine wavy line down the left hand side of the envelope.  pick a couple of colors and draw two more wavy lines.  then taking one of the circle stencils I used half of the circle to create a design.

remember spirograph?  that is what came to mind when I started layering the circles into a flower type shape.  you could add more circle flowers and stems too!

next I created a scallop border all around the edge of the envelope using half of the circle stencil and alternating colours.

the next idea was quite simple.  three circles on the left hand side of the envelope.  I used primary colours, but then thought it would be fun to create a "traffic light" design too.

how about polka dots all over the envelope?  you could do an assortment of colours and add some metallic touches here and there.

then I stopped to grab a cup of tea and saw the honeycomb pattern on the side of honey bottle.  hey!  so honeycomb pattern it is.

and my favourite thing is to create colour wheels.  I use them in my journals and art pieces quite a bit so I grabbed the big circle stencil and slid it around a bit to give it an imperfect look.  then just quickly drew the divisions and filled in the colours.  my sample went missing but here is a colour wheel I did in my journal awhile back.

now some of us like the more structured designs and so using the same idea as the wavy half circle I created half circle stripes.  

 and finally I thought how about using circles as outlines for the letters of the name of the person you are sending it to?  

 and for the lettering use your own printed letters and add circles!

with all these ideas in mind the members are encouraged to come up with some more ideas, decorate an envelope and send into the society for display at our next meeting.

go grab your circles, pencil crayons and play!  I would love to see what you come up with!

diy recycled gift bag

I love wrapping gifts up all fun and fancy, but let's be real.  most of the time the wrapping gets tossed out with the bathwater.  my solution to this is to recycle as much as possible.  yes, that ribbon on your package may be the very same ribbon that was on the gift you gave me - deal.  I thought I would share one of the ways I use those paper bags from take out or shopping trips.

I started with a bag that was a doggie bag from the latest birthday dinner.  I painted some gesso on to cover the logo and to have a good base to start with.

 did some doodling, scribbling and used stencil letters.

 added some paint.  colour!  circles!

 collage using old sheet music.  drew in the shape of a boat.

added some lettering "seek adventure everyday". tissue paper from anthropology purchase and ribbon from gifts gone by.

don't forget the other side!  I started with the same process as the front.

happy birthday!

this was a fun, quick project and I hope it encourages you to reuse for your next gift wrap!

faves on friday

busy, busy, busy is not even big enough of a word to describe how I have been lately.  SO many challenging and exciting things happening around here.  meanwhile I do encourage breaks and during my down time I found some gems.  enjoy!

amazing!

you NEED to check her out!  story academy has me so pumped!

yeah!

pure beauty!

this one hit too close to home.  same name and same disease.  support if you wish!

and finally I can't get this out of my head!

faves on friday

this friday collection was inspired by this.

beautiful and inspiring...



my new hangout!

a remarkable story of courage and conviction...



saw her, heard her, met her, LOVE her!  watch her here.

and he is my new music addiction.

twenty two years

it was twenty two years ago today when we made our way to the hospital for your birth.  you were two weeks late and still quite comfortable in your cocoon so they had to induce me.  I remember the doctor breaking my water.  "not much there" she said.  I worried that you would be all wrinkly from the lack of fluid.  is it ok that there isn't that much fluid?  I was not brave enough to ask those kinds of questions back then.  I was just twenty five and so unsure of my own skin that I wasn't sure how I was going to be a mother.

the day went on trying to urge you to come.  we walked the halls.  checked how many centimetres and back to the bed.  up and down and all around, but nothing.  I remember listening to the other mothers across the hall wailing and screaming bloody murder.  I thought to myself that is not going to be me.  we are all good right now.  and then the first contraction came and I thought I would die right then and there.  it was strong and hard and whoa!  "what the hell?" I yelled!  the nurse came and assured me that we were on our way.  the contractions had begun and we were in it.  okay, I was in it and everyone else was running around getting machines and instruments ready and calling the doctor and your father was calling the family.  oh he was so excited to see you.  he called you "eddy" from the moment we found out I was pregnant.  I kept telling him there was no way we were calling you "eddy".

the doctor came and it became apparent that she would be unable to deliver you.  they needed to call in another doctor.  what?  I held on to my tummy, to you, trying to reassure you that we would be fine.  laying in the bed feeling absolutely helpless and half naked I turned into a mother bear.  I never knew it would come like that, but it did.  that mother instinct that people talk about.  hurt my baby and your ass is mine!  the second doctor came in and then an entourage of nurses.  it was so crowded.  push!  oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.  the baby is not moving.  forceps!  no!  OH MY GOD!  the pain that went down my leg was so unbearable that I screamed wildly and no one knew what was happening.  there was a pause and then the doctor said if I didn't give one last good push that we were headed to a C section.

and I think at that moment you and I were ready to release from each other.  I believe that you stayed inside me for as long as you could so that we would both be ready to walk this world independently.  your birth brought forth a fire in me that I never knew I had.  the strength and courage that came afterwards changed the course of our lives forever.

and so you came.  you didn't cry.  you just looked at me with a look of "hey ma, what the hell?"  oh I cried.  I cried at how beautiful you were.  I cried while I counted your fingers and toes and stroked your cheek where they caught you with the forceps.  you were so tiny.

and here we are today, twenty two years later.  from the moment you were born I have been overjoyed at watching you move in this world.  your first word, your first step and all the firsts.  all that we have been through together and how through it all you have grown into an amazing man.  from your first inhale I knew that the world had no idea what was coming and you have made me proud throughout.  thank you for choosing me to be your mother.  thank you for so many beautiful moments and memories.  thank you for learning from me and teaching me.  thank you for being - YOU!