perhaps you should...

this may turn into a deep post.  it may not.  it may seem like a joke to some.  to others it may awaken something that has been dormant.

since the passing of my mother I have been working on my routine.  is that the right word?  routine as in - what did I do "before" mom was sick?  what did my life look like before I opened my journal and the first to - do was "mom"?

I have been reading - alot.  not so much novels per say but good juicy books full of good things and not so good things and things to think about.  some of the ones I have been through or are sitting on my nightstand are:

this I know by susannah conway

return to love by marianne williamson

untie the strong woman by clarrisa pinkola estes

tibetan sound healing by tenzin wangyal rimpoche

my most recent read is the secret of the shadow by debbie ford.  so I am reading away yesterday while waiting for the hair colour to cover the grey and I was gob smacked.  I was in the middle of a salon reading and wanted to scream "what the fuck?"  that was the first thing that came to mind and then it was more along the lines of "holy shit" and "absolutely true".  It felt as if debbie ford had jumped off the page and was holding my hand and having a conversation with me.  not a welcome conversation, but nonetheless stuff I should hear.  I mean I've heard it.  we've all heard it.  do we listen?  do we ignore it and carry on?  yeah, that one!  that's me!  I live in my story.  we all have a story.  we all have something that continues to show up in our life and keeps us from getting to the other side of our dreams.  it may not even be a dream but a goal.

fine I'll speak for myself since it is "me" that I am trying to find.  I've felt lost lately and according to many justifiably so with what I have just gone through.  except that I keep telling myself that I can't live in this story for much longer.  I am running out of time.  life is short - as I have seen countless times this year.  the time is, for certain - NOW!

the words that struck me in debbie's book as words that I could hear out loud were the ones that talked about our stories and how so many times we reach out to try to "fix" something in our lives.  we buy self help books, see healers, go on a diet, start meditating and so on when really all of this is kind of a band aid that yes will help heal the sore, but new sores will pop up.  it is beneath the surface that we shall go.

there are stories in this book that were - ya, done that!  I didn't succeed and therefore YOU were right along - I really am good for nothing.  we are so hell bent on being right and not having it all that we give up living the life of our dreams.  some of us start to use our excuses as truths.  we start to believe that what we are saying is actually true and a fact when in reality it couldn't be further from the truth.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense.  it is all still so fresh in my own mind.  I keep rereading the chapter on "reclaiming your power".  one of my favourite lines:

"even if you've been living inside the story that life has done it to you, when you can say, "I'm doing it to me," you will have the power to stop it or do it differently.  the voice of power says, "I'm doing it, I created it.  I'm responsible for it.  I can change it."

if you have read this book or are interested in reading it I would love to hear your thoughts on it.  I haven't even finished it cause I keep going back and rereading parts of it that spoke to me.

"I can change it" has been replaying through my mind.  which essentially means that "I have the power".  I like that.  for so long I felt so powerless when it came to mom and her illness and decisions that needed to be made.  plans that needed to be rearranged, cancelled or needed to remain still.

yesterday my stylist and I talked about dreams and plans and such.  often we talk about "getting away".  like "getting away" makes it all better or something.

I shared this with my husband the other day - "yeah, so we go away.  we lay on the beach for a week, soak up the sun and kick back and then we come back to all this bullshit".

it was hard for me to say that out loud and even harder still for me to write it, but it is my truth right now.  I want what is right here in front of me to be my "get away feeling".  

and as amy and I talked about building forts and beds covered in mounds of pillows and mattresses on the floor I started thinking about how things could change around here.  I can "change" IT.

change of seasons

the seasons of change are in full swing at the beach home. the air is crisp and during my morning walk with the pups my feet were cold. it is time to start thinking about socks - yuck! I am trying to soak up the last few days of warmth. the summer went by in a flash and was filled with so much change. I guess I foolishly believed that once we were "settled" that things would start to slow down and we would fall into a new routine. ah, but life has a way of keeping you on your toes and challenging you at every turn, turn, turn.

I started the day off slow. I've been rushing around far too much. some days I feel like a robot. I go through the motions and when I finally get that tiny bit of time I quickly fill it up. what was it like to have those moments of calm, quiet and thought? so this morning I chose to give it to myself. ease slowly into the day. no rush. everything will still be there when I get there, when I get to it, when I fix it. a hot bowl of oatmeal, fresh air and the beautiful colour filled sky are mine to savour before I need to put myself together and face the day.

I shared last night with a group of creatives. it was wonderful to sit and brain storm. to hug and laugh. to eat good food at a snails pace if you wish. I felt the little flutter in my belly. that fire that has been burning low. the warmth starting to get me going. was this just what I needed to get into the studio and start playing again? I am holding it close to my heart and although there is a part of me that wants to plan for time and gather supplies and start sketching ideas there is the other part of me that says "let it go". it will come. it will happen.

how do we release into it? how do we let go of the control we SO seem to WANT? how do we accept that it will happen? - IT WILL!

I am having the same thoughts and feelings for my mom. after an exhausting weekend of trying to get her to eat and drink and her not sleeping and watching my dad fall apart in front of my eyes it was decided to take her back to the hospital. she is now awaiting placement in long term care.

as I write that last sentence tears come to my eyes. what will become of our family? will the changes be good. I have to believe that we have made the right decision although it all seems so final.

I have no idea what is to come. I am asking as many questions as possible. I am being patient with mom's repeated requests of water and ice. I scoop up the thick juice and ask her to please take it. I don't know how much of it she understands. a maze of doctors, nurses and therapists with questions, concerns and care plans. I feel this responsibility to take care of her, protect her, fight for her. were these same feelings present in her when I was a child? I struggle to let go and let it happen.

I look into the mirror and remind myself that I need to take care of me too. I need to protect myself and fight for myself. it is like stepping into a new role. so many changes and while in the centre of this whirlwind I am grateful for these quiet moments where the only thing that is changing is my foot position on the stool.