be yourself, create art, everyday

beloved tammy...

tammy and I in Italy 2010

it's been a week of up and down emotions. tomorrow will be one year that we said good bye to our girl. such a beautiful lady with so much promise. so much love and so much more to give.

some days I almost pick up the phone to call her forgetting that she has passed. some days I sit and am filled with immense gratitude for all the moments we did share. after our parents immigrated from italy they lived together in a basement suite. I knew tammy from the day she was born. we spent many days together growing up and taking vacations together with our families and then without. I have many fond memories of her. I was the one who took her to the bar for the first time. she was still under age and SO nervous.

some days though I am pissed and the wound feels like it is still gaping open and it hurts like hell. I tell myself chin up and carry on. she kept telling us not to be sad. she was strong till the bitter end. I feel ripped off and still unable to understand. I try to have faith and then I try not to scream about all the ugliness of it all. "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" and "everything happens for a reason" ringing in my head loud like sirens whirling down the street.

I am working on trying to make sense of it. I guess not sense of it but trying to work on living my life in a way that I can be proud. not to waste it on petty arguments or super woman behaviour. trying to enjoy "being in the moment". whether it is good or bad I am trying to lean towards love and away from fear. that whack upside my head telling me that there is no sense in fearing that which we do not know.

what I do know is that I miss her. I love her and I feel her here with me. I talk to her often. sometimes when I need guidance and other times to just vent. she always was a good listener and still is.

tomorrow night we will light up the night for you tammy. peace dear friend, peace.

I had to share this beautiful poem with you all!

unboundby nancy levin

we may never know
how we hold
all we can
or how the light catches us
when we are out of breath

it’s a sign of healing
to be feeling again

the real breakthrough
can only arise
from heartbreak

that which ails
cures
reminding us
that it’s always about beginning
and then beginning again

as the waves crash me
i trust the sand
to polish my edges smooth
dissolving denial
revealing real while
courage and confidence
ignite my core

contraction and expansion
let the light stream in
and the stillness
after so much thrashing about
allows the body to wring
the sorrow out

as freedom floods
shadows may persist
know your undertow
as you alchemize the dark
and remember
that you always have
the strength to choose
how to engage

the clouds unveil the view
when you are ready to climb
now it’s time to notice
the miraculous moments
in your life
as they are happening

this
is the making
of me
and we will walk
courageously
into daybreak
from the night
shining our light
together

12.12.12

"According to Chinese numerology, the number one is a yang number which is ruled by the sun and represents independence and individualism. Two is a yin number which is ruled by the moon and represents symmetry and balance. When placed together, the number 12 brings harmony to the yin and yang, balancing the feminine energy of the moon with the masculine energy of the sun. So, what we can gather is that 12/12/12 equals lots of harmony." more here.

I like that! yin and yang in harmony? good stuff! I woke up thinking about today "the super special not for another 88 years will this kind of date happen." pretty kewl and kind of whoa! like I probably won't be here in 88 years. ok, for sure I won't be here in 88 years. I also thought that I would really want to make sure I remembered to be grateful while I was still here. somedays I think I am grateful and then other days my thoughts suck like a big old hoover vac.

so in honor of this unique day I bring you:

12 things I am grateful for today

1. grateful that I woke up and am still alive.

2. grateful for morning puppy kisses.

3. grateful for my new coat keeping me warm in the freezing cold while joey takes forever to do his deed.

4. grateful to my hubby for wide open days and hidden clocks. aka "I work from home"

5. grateful to my friends and family near and far for their endless love and support.

6. grateful for stories that remind me that I am not alone.

7. grateful for surprises in the mail.

8. grateful that my dad has more good days than bad.

9. grateful for the most amazing son ever who gives the best hugs.

10. grateful that I took a second chance on love and found the most beautiful soul.

11.grateful for friends who call me up and will listen to me while I cry and love me for who I am.

12. grateful for the strength to carry on and faith in what the future holds.

what are you grateful for today?

and we are back!

art studio by the pool

did ya think I was still at the beach? yeah, I wish I was! this is not a fun season for me. some people say "oh you must suffer from seasonal affective disorder". uh, no! I suffer from "I hate the frickin' cold, snow, sleet and all the clothes that you have to wear to cover yourself up and keep warm so that your nose won't all of the sudden fall off". is there a name for that? our home at the beach will be purchased soon and all of this white stuff will be a memory! thank YOU santa!

writing

derwent ink sticks and water brush a la lounge chair

art studio in the room, on the floor

SO the beach was a hit and half. the travelling art supplies were used and not used. some did not travel well. like the new tube watercolours that I bought that apparently contain honey. WTH? so they leaked but thankfully I packed them in a ziploc bag. I discovered some new techniques while playing around in the travel journal. LOVE those kind of accidents! I did not spend a lot of time creating page after page of stuff. I spent a lot of time listening to the audio books, writing and working on my travel journal. I had a lot of fun with that this time around. did some sketching, lettering, doodling and added bits and baubles from our travels.

I have a huge basket filled with travel journals from all over. anytime I feel like I need a get away I go and dig some out and sit down and read all the goodness and it takes me back to that time. at times I giggle at some of the stuff I wrote or pasted onto the pages. some of the travel journals had pages for my son and husband to write their memories on. we had a daily top five and those are incredible memories there for me to read again and again.

I had the thrill of trying out glass blowing with some of my new friends. little did I know when I started to blow that I was being punked. after putting my lips right where a mexican stranger previously had his (this hit me when it was too late!) I began to blow and kept blowing till it burst. awesome!

glass blowing heaven

I drank a lot and too much. everywhere you went there were people offering tequila shots. I love tequila. I love the little shot glasses they come in. I love margaritas and the combination of the smooth tequila, lime and salt is well - heaven in a glass. una mas!

notice one is almost empty, don't judge!

on our way back to where all the magic began in 2009 we stopped at a blanket making factory. hello! I was thrilled to have the chance to operate the loom and try my hand at making a blanket. awesome X 2! they also had an outdoor oven where they baked us some fresh sweet rolls. mama happy!

just another day making blankets

reality is back with a boom and I can't believe it is december and we are days away from christmas. it boggles my mind and hurts my heart. it will be a difficult year. our family said good bye to two amazing women this year and you know how important women are! mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins, friends and all their beauty will be deeply missed. I am being pulled in all different directions and all I want to do is cash in my west jet credits and fly away.

beautiful pacifica sunset

so santa all I want for christmas is some comfy bamboo pj's, a warm blanket, a cup of hot cocoa with those really good marshmallows and a candy cane by the fire. and maybe a tequila or two...

not together cause that would be gross! thanks santa!

my future home

away we go!

back to the beach for this girl. I love to travel - I do. although this trip was agreed to with much reserve. I wasn't sure if it felt right. so much happened this year and who am I to be whisked away to the beautiful ocean?

travelling art kit

worries about my dad and how we will handle christmas this year without my mom. it is kurjata christmas which means we will be trekking north to be with the big huge wonderful family. it will be wonderful to see everyone again. to see their smiles, the new babies and to comfort each other with all that we have been through and are going through this year.

pencils, scissors, tape etc.

so this get away had me on edge. worried. angry. sleepless nights and nights filled with weird dreams. dreams of dead people and scary dreams. planning parties, workshops and appointments for when I get back. I am still battling whatever this cough thing is that got a hold of me in september and has set up house in my system. being sick does not help to build excitement.

assortment of paints and mediums

as I packed I kept telling myself that this would be a time to slow down. no rushing around. take your time. I plan to sit still and quiet my mind. I plan to listen to the ocean and let it sing its song to me. I plan to write. write and write and write and get all of this junk out of my head and onto the page. with the sun kissing my skin and the sand tickling my toes I am gonna let myself go and let go.

all packed up and ready!

with all the slowing down this girl had to bring along the stuff that makes her happy. my art supplies! I have it down to a science when it comes to packing light and still having enough stuff to let myself create everyday as I say.

journals, reading, inspiration

I have some good audio books to keep my going while my fingers are busy. we have some natalie goldberg (of course!), anne lamott (could listen to her over and over and have!), pema chodron, debbie ford, marianne williamson, deepak chopra, danielle laporte (she has a new one coming out soon btw!), brene brown and annie dillard.

to read I grabbed "old friend from far away" by natalie goldberg. it has some great prompts in it and I just love this woman! "the places that scare you" by pema chodron (recommend by linda - thanks girl!) and "poemcrazy" by susan wooldridge (more writing!).

with plan in place I keep telling myself to stop planning! ha ha! it is such a merry go round in my head right now. which way to turn or just throw in the towel. so many thoughts and questions fill my head and I am aching for some answers and some direction. let's keep that in mind as we let go - shall we?

I know it may sound silly to think that I can go away and transform in a week. I know it could happen just as well here. I know that you might be saying to yourself - she is going to the beach and sit still? what about the tours and all that there is to see? oh not to worry. I will be partaking in a few sights, sounds and tasty treats and ice cold drinks but I want to savour it. I want it to fill me up and I want to fold it up and put it in my pocket so that when I get back I can pull it out as a reminder.

I am not expecting a grand epiphany or anything but I do NEED to calm down, sit still and inhale some good air. I am a junkie for the ocean. the combination of the water, the sun and the sand just makes me feel whole. I always say that the stork dropped me off in the wrong continent!

be well and much gratitude for all of your kind words and suggestions. it warms my heart to know that I am not alone and we have all been there or are there now. you matter! you are loved! peace

perhaps you should...

this may turn into a deep post. it may not. it may seem like a joke to some. to others it may awaken something that has been dormant.

since the passing of my mother I have been working on my routine. is that the right word? routine as in - what did I do "before" mom was sick? what did my life look like before I opened my journal and the first to - do was "mom"?

I have been reading - alot. not so much novels per say but good juicy books full of good things and not so good things and things to think about. some of the ones I have been through or are sitting on my nightstand are:

this I know by susannah conway

return to love by marianne williamson

untie the strong woman by clarrisa pinkola estes

tibetan sound healing by tenzin wangyal rimpoche

my most recent read is the secret of the shadow by debbie ford. so I am reading away yesterday while waiting for the hair colour to cover the grey and I was gob smacked. I was in the middle of a salon reading and wanted to scream "what the fuck?" that was the first thing that came to mind and then it was more along the lines of "holy shit" and "absolutely true". It felt as if debbie ford had jumped off the page and was holding my hand and having a conversation with me. not a welcome conversation, but nonetheless stuff I should hear. I mean I've heard it. we've all heard it. do we listen? do we ignore it and carry on? yeah, that one! that's me! I live in my story. we all have a story. we all have something that continues to show up in our life and keeps us from getting to the other side of our dreams. it may not even be a dream but a goal.

fine I'll speak for myself since it is "me" that I am trying to find. I've felt lost lately and according to many justifiably so with what I have just gone through. except that I keep telling myself that I can't live in this story for much longer. I am running out of time. life is short - as I have seen countless times this year. the time is, for certain - NOW!

the words that struck me in debbie's book as words that I could hear out loud were the ones that talked about our stories and how so many times we reach out to try to "fix" something in our lives. we buy self help books, see healers, go on a diet, start meditating and so on when really all of this is kind of a band aid that yes will help heal the sore, but new sores will pop up. it is beneath the surface that we shall go.

there are stories in this book that were - ya, done that! I didn't succeed and therefore YOU were right along - I really am good for nothing. we are so hell bent on being right and not having it all that we give up living the life of our dreams. some of us start to use our excuses as truths. we start to believe that what we are saying is actually true and a fact when in reality it couldn't be further from the truth.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense. it is all still so fresh in my own mind. I keep rereading the chapter on "reclaiming your power". one of my favourite lines:

"even if you've been living inside the story that life has done it to you, when you can say, "I'm doing it to me," you will have the power to stop it or do it differently. the voice of power says, "I'm doing it, I created it. I'm responsible for it. I can change it."

if you have read this book or are interested in reading it I would love to hear your thoughts on it. I haven't even finished it cause I keep going back and rereading parts of it that spoke to me.

"I can change it" has been replaying through my mind. which essentially means that "I have the power". I like that. for so long I felt so powerless when it came to mom and her illness and decisions that needed to be made. plans that needed to be rearranged, cancelled or needed to remain still.

yesterday my stylist and I talked about dreams and plans and such. often we talk about "getting away". like "getting away" makes it all better or something.

I shared this with my husband the other day - "yeah, so we go away. we lay on the beach for a week, soak up the sun and kick back and then we come back to all this bullshit".

it was hard for me to say that out loud and even harder still for me to write it, but it is my truth right now. I want what is right here in front of me to be my "get away feeling".

and as amy and I talked about building forts and beds covered in mounds of pillows and mattresses on the floor I started thinking about how things could change around here. I can "change" IT.

round, round, we go...

I lead the program last night at our monthly calligraphic meeting. this years theme is "26 letters" and I have taken that theme a bit further by adding "letters" or snail mail. I have the honour of organizing the programs for the year with various ideas on how to decorate an envelope. there will be a variety of instructors to come who will share their unique take on "letters" or "snail mail". we are hoping that this will spread our art of lettering throughout the community and encourage members to spruce up their mailings. with all the technology lately it seems like no one sends mail like we used to. how wonderful would it be to find a lovely decorated envelope in your mailbox? I wanted to share with you what I lead the members with last night.

I took some circle punches and created stencils to use. then I locked myself in the studio with the stencils, pencil crayons and let my mind play with different ideas for circles.

the first idea I had was to draw a fine wavy line down the left hand side of the envelope. pick a couple of colors and draw two more wavy lines. then taking one of the circle stencils I used half of the circle to create a design.

remember spirograph? that is what came to mind when I started layering the circles into a flower type shape. you could add more circle flowers and stems too!

next I created a scallop border all around the edge of the envelope using half of the circle stencil and alternating colours.

the next idea was quite simple. three circles on the left hand side of the envelope. I used primary colours, but then thought it would be fun to create a "traffic light" design too.

how about polka dots all over the envelope? you could do an assortment of colours and add some metallic touches here and there.

then I stopped to grab a cup of tea and saw the honeycomb pattern on the side of honey bottle. hey! so honeycomb pattern it is.

and my favourite thing is to create colour wheels. I use them in my journals and art pieces quite a bit so I grabbed the big circle stencil and slid it around a bit to give it an imperfect look. then just quickly drew the divisions and filled in the colours. my sample went missing but here is a colour wheel I did in my journal awhile back.

now some of us like the more structured designs and so using the same idea as the wavy half circle I created half circle stripes.

and finally I thought how about using circles as outlines for the letters of the name of the person you are sending it to?

and for the lettering use your own printed letters and add circles!

with all these ideas in mind the members are encouraged to come up with some more ideas, decorate an envelope and send into the society for display at our next meeting.

go grab your circles, pencil crayons and play! I would love to see what you come up with!

diy recycled gift bag

I love wrapping gifts up all fun and fancy, but let's be real. most of the time the wrapping gets tossed out with the bathwater. my solution to this is to recycle as much as possible. yes, that ribbon on your package may be the very same ribbon that was on the gift you gave me - deal. I thought I would share one of the ways I use those paper bags from take out or shopping trips.

I started with a bag that was a doggie bag from the latest birthday dinner. I painted some gesso on to cover the logo and to have a good base to start with.