a very special man...

we celebrated papa's birthday yesterday. he is 74. I don't think he looks 74, but I do think he looks tired.

he has been amazing this last year. with mom not able to do the things she used to do he has taken over. laundry, cooking, cleaning and running the household have become his responsibilities. somedays he is proud as a peacock about all he does and somedays he wants to throw in the towel. more than not he wants to throw in the towel.

it makes me sad to think of how much he has had to take on in this last year. he had different plans for their life. mom always treated him like gold. did everything for him. he was a prince and we never let him forget it. thing is he enjoyed it!

I am starting to remember more and more good things about my past and my dad plays a huge role in the good things about my childhood. him and I did a lot of things together as mom was always trying to get me out of her way so that she could get things done. so dad usually had to entertain me.

I remember many bike rides with him. he still has the bike that he rode in the 70's. purple! he taught me how to build things in his workshop. I think it is credit to him that I am not afraid to tackle any household project. he would let me use the table saw, drill and hammer up little boxes. I still have one of those boxes. we spray painted it silver. he let me use the lawn mower, paint the fence and taught me how to drive.

mom would ground me from riding my bike and dad would let me go anyway. I know that she resented our relationship. she always said I loved him more. it's true, I did and I do. it is hard for me to admit that, but it is true.

mom is limited in what she can do and depends on others to help her with practically everything so as far as I can see she is doing fine. she is being well taken care of and we are all trying to make her life as best as possible for her despite her challenges.

dad on the other hand has lost a great deal of weight. he has lost his wife or at least the wife as she was. he is tired, he is cranky, his is sick and I am afraid. I am afraid that I may lose him and it scares me to death.

I need to keep reminding myself that I cannot control what happens nor can I fix everything. I am doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. I will continue to take care of myself and my family. in that order.

it is okay to feel the way that I feel. it is okay to cry when I need to and laugh hard when I do. I am happy with how I am looking at this. putting it all out on the table and looking at it as "life" and not "loss".

because at the end of the day he is still here and I am very fortunate that I have such a special man to call "papa". we still joke around and laugh at the silliest little things. we are trying to talk about our feelings and make decisions based on the reality of the situation. and last night we lit candles and sang "happy birthday" over and over and over. cause seriously I think it is impossible to sing "happy birthday" too many times! we sang and we laughed and celebrated my amazing "papa".

I had a lot of "happy moments" this week, but this was the best. what was yours?

"art picnic" happy

yes it has been awhile since I posted a "happy"...

a week ago I became obsessed with picnic baskets. you know the "old style" picnic baskets. I dreamed of filling it with art supplies and heading outside to have an art picnic. laying out a blanket and dumping all my stuff on it and just creating for the fun of it. no agenda and most of all to just "be".

turns out that a picnic basket is not an easy thing to find these days. they have backpack picnic basket thingies and cooler picnic basket thingies. so I put the call out to my peeps and low and behold if my dear friend jan didn't find one from circa 1920's. could it be anymore awesome than that?

so yesterday I was vibrating from the excitement. the possibility of actually doing "this" that I have been dreaming of. and so I gathered up all my supplies in my basket...

I set up my little art picnic area...

and I began...

painting....

and getting messy....

till I ended up with this...

and a close up...

and I celebrated with this...

and I was very happy that I followed my "dream" and took time for "me" and just "played". what was your "happy" this week? head over here and share!

the "happy book" report

this made me happy and I hope it does you too!

the "happy book" report

it's friday? good grapes! wth? this week flew by and I thought it was saturday cause my house has one extra person in it which typically happens on the weekend.

so as I was doing my daily blog hopping I come across this. thanks jamie! and POW I realized it was in fact friday and not saturday.

and so we look back at the week and what is it that made me happy?

sunday sucked cause I could barely keep up to the running instructor. so nope, not that.

monday mom had her appointment and we found out that she may need radiation. it made me happy to hear that she is stage 0, but not so happy that she may have to have radiation. we will find out more about that on wednesday.

tuesday I sucked at the gym cause my stomach was so bloated and causing me so much pain that I could barely bend over let alone do a crunch. the afternoon made me happy cause I took a chance and went and did something out of the blue and painted with oil paints in a beautiful place with beautiful people.

wednesday I sucked at running cause my stomach still hurt and every step made it worse. I spent the rest of the day barely eating or drinking for fear of tossing my cookies. so no happy today.

thursday I happily kicked some butt at the gym and felt real good. happy! bought more coffee for my super duper coffee maker. happy! finished up my 365 project. happy! got in the car with my poster ready to listen to some fine music by a beautiful boy and they canceled. drummer down so no show last night. not happy! he loved the poster though! happy!

why don't we look forward to the weekend? today - my man is home and that always makes me happy! tonight we will definitely hear some fine music by an amazing musician. happy!

tomorrow we cook and bake our butts off for easter. happy? sure! why not?

sunday we spend with the family eating, laughing and simply enjoying being together. SO happy! and to top that off - JOHN MAYER! yup, sunday night! happy!

what made you happy this week? go share!

the "happy book" report

in between buddha blessing and jehovah visits we have had an abundance of happy this week:

sunday:

one of my "prairie sisters' met me for a visit. we chatted for hours and completely lost track of time. it was wonderful! I loved hearing her voice and seeing her smile in person. awesome!

monday:

the snow fell and I embraced it by taking photos. it was SO beautiful! yes, you heard me correct! I was smiling even though it was chilly.

tuesday:

finished up a project from paulette's class at "inspired " last year. finally!

wednesday:

another project from from cheryl darrow's class also at "inspired". ya going?

thursday:

papa to the rescue! the light bulbs burned out in my kitchen and the bulbs snapped off when we tried to remove them. yay! we tried several methods to get the bottoms out and nothing! "who ya gonna call?" DAD! although it was a "job" so to speak we worked together. I remember when I was little and dad and I would build stuff and work on projects together for hours in his workshop. I still have a little box that we made together to hold my cassette tapes in. so today I cherished our time. just him and I patiently trying to figure out how to get the light working again. giggling at our mishaps and smashing stuff on the front step. oh yeah! I really should have let him do it, but he didn't have safety glasses on! so we now have light again in our kitchen which means - back to cooking! ha!

what were your happy moments this week? don't forget to go and share.

the "happy book" report

joey that brightens all my days and my daily reminder "you do not have to be good"(mary oliver). so appropriate for me at this time.

art journal love letters and an unexpected result! love paper accidents!

mama "the rock star" made it through her surgery with flying colors! yay!

my first 5 km run after over a year of injuries. SO awesome!

I just watched jamie's video over at the next chapter blog. she asked us to think about how this happy book journey has impacted us. for myself it has had a huge impact. I find myself in a negative place or faced with challenges and I give my head a shake and tell myself to stop it. I look for the happy in each moment.

this past week more so than any was full. full of good stuff. full of family visits. full of scary moments and full of risks. I handle these times a lot better than I used to.

I find myself encouraging others to look for the "happy" or to turn that frown upside down. if anything I get a smile out of them. maybe it's a smirk saying "what would you know".

what I do know for sure is that you and only you are the one and only thing standing in the way of your happiness. I would love to hear what made you happy this week so head on over to the blog and share!

happy friday?

I am told over and over again to appreciate the happy moments in my life. lately it has been a struggle to find the "happy". I have had more blue moments in the past couple of weeks than bright shiny ones.

the sun is shining through my window this morning and it is so beautiful. I woke up to puppy kisses and tick, tick, tick on the floor from the old dog pacing. it would be so quiet without those two. as I rolled over I found my soft place to fall. I feel so safe, so loved and so thankful that I have him. without him I would not be able to carry on. I need his strength to push me forward and to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.

today I take my mom for her pre-admission appointment. mom does not have cancer, but she does have a lump and they want to remove it. in less than one year she will have had two surgeries. in her entire life I think she spent three days in the hospital. two were with me and now it has become a familiar place for us. I know she will be fine. I am confident that this is the right thing to do. she cried in the car on the way home from the doctors the other day. when I asked her if she was crying because she was scared, she said no. she was crying because she was trying to understand why these things keep happening to her.

I told her that everything would be fine. this was peanuts compared to what it could be. here I was, her daughter, comforting her. she was the one who cleaned up my cuts and bruises. she was the one who held my head as my nose bled and gave me popsicles after I had my tonsils out. she took good care of me and now it is my turn to take good care of her.

I keep comparing it to having a child. she needs to be supervised walking and using stairs. sometimes she follows direction and other times she chooses her own way. sometimes I think she is not grasping the words and other times I think she is just itching to jump ship.

my mom has always been a very strong lady. under five feet tall, but she could crush a giant. she had arms of a body builder and abs of steel. she worked extremely hard and helped others out as much as she could. with all these big things within this tiny body I too often wonder why?

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. so far her struggles have brought her and I closer than we have ever been. I appreciate her so much more than I ever had. I am still not entirely clear on why this is all happening, but I feel very blessed to still have my parents and that is my happy...

HUGE happy!

HAPPY!

HAPPY?

are you kidding me?

look at the foam on that latte!

she's back and I kissed her! I love my coffee machine!

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!

what's your happy today? go share!

my happy this week...

as I sit here and type this some butt head went and ruined my happy. BUT! alas! I will not let it take my happy away. it is out of my control and therefore I release it....for now!

it is funny how the "happy book" mail around has stirred up a ton of happy all over the place. you look for it. you trip over it. it smacks you in the face. it is everywhere! you cannot ignore it! seriously! just when I think I am having a bad day I try to remember one thing, one simple thing that made me happy that day. if I can't remember one then I set out to make some happy! try it! you might surprise yourself!

my BIG happy moment this week?

MY MOM DOES NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER!!!!!!!!!!

test after test and finally good news. thank goodness!

another WONDERFUL happy moment this week?

go here! thank you jamie!

now go on - GO GET HAPPY!

the "happy book" report

I was fortunate enough to be a part of this amazing mail-around organized by the beautiful jamie ridler. we had one week with the book and lucky me I was first on the list! the book is chock full of ideas, activities and happy thoughts. the "happy book" is a place to gather your happy moments. I really enjoyed reading through the book and adding my thoughts and art work. I shared it with complete strangers and my husband. I did some of the activities in the book. I figured the best way to share it with you was to show some pics so hear goes...

my friday happy...

joey makes my day just about every day. he has such an awesome personality. he loves his toys and he loves to cuddle. and as I write this he apparently also has an affection for toilet paper. JOEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

my thursday happy...

I took a trip back to the past and made some paper. I used to love to make handmade paper and even sold it in stores and at craft sales. I forgot how relaxing it could be to dip the deckle in the water and feel the slurry between your hands. moments later you have a beautiful piece of handmade paper. fun!

my wednesday happy...

can I have two? first I braved the elements along with a couple of my crazy peeps and one beautiful dog. it truly was beautiful running in the cold. not the cold, but the company and the view. gotta love our river valley!

the other happy was our running group after christmas luncheon. this time we ended up at skinny legs and cowgirls. beautiful company and yummy eats! I love seeing us all together. we have been meeting every wednesday morning for years and their gift of friendship and support is such a treasure.

my tuesday happy...

a friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in quite a while called up asking if I wanted some broken marble to play around with. maybe make some magnificent art piece out of. and so began our chat and we both ended up in tears as she listened to me tell the story of my mom and her tell me that her mom had the same disorder. the calm that came over me after our conversation was unbelievable. I FINALLY had a real person who has lived through it to talk to about so many of my fears and ask questions to and get some real answers. what a blessing! I truly think that the marble bookend falling and breaking into pieces was no accident.

my monday happy...

dan had us over for supper. salmon steaks and rice pilaf with homemade beer. it was delicious! he has had some hurdles to jump lately, but he has done it with grace and maturity beyond his years and man can he cook! so proud of him.

and there ya have it. not just one moment of happy, but several this week. good week. very good week! so thankful for all the happy moments and the people who contributed to my happy.

wanna share your happy with us? head over to the happy book.

IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

a big bucket of happy landed in my mailbox! so excited to open it up and get started! thank you jamie!

I wanted to start off by sharing my "happy moment" from last week:

I was fortunate enough to attend a retreat this past october and one of our assignments was to write a letter to ourselves and in turn write a little note for all the group members and tuck it into their envelopes. the catch was that we were then to leave our letters with the organizer and she would mail them back to us in about three months. what a treat to receive my letter that I had written to myself and had forgot what I had written! then in turn to receive six more beautiful letters filled with love and hope, promise and support. and our amazing host angela wrote the above words on my envelope. such a unique group of women with whom I each shared special moments. this was truly "my happy" for last week.

have ya heard?

I am part of the first ever "the next chapter mail-around"! yay ME! this time around we will be using the happy book by rachel kempster and meg leder.

jamie is someone I met while doing the "wreck this journal" as part of "the next chapter". SHE is responsible for having me take my journal in the shower! gasp!

what is she wanting me to do this time? fill a journal style book with happiness. things that make me happy, positive thoughts and fun things to do to so that I can put that negativity aside and then let it go on to the next happy contributor. perfect! just what I need.

I am not alone on this assignment. I am a member of the glee group. hee hee! go check it out! you can participate too by sharing your happy with all of us each friday.

looking forward to receiving the book and sharing my progress with you.