I am told over and over again to appreciate the happy moments in my life. lately it has been a struggle to find the "happy". I have had more blue moments in the past couple of weeks than bright shiny ones.
the sun is shining through my window this morning and it is so beautiful. I woke up to puppy kisses and tick, tick, tick on the floor from the old dog pacing. it would be so quiet without those two. as I rolled over I found my soft place to fall. I feel so safe, so loved and so thankful that I have him. without him I would not be able to carry on. I need his strength to push me forward and to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
today I take my mom for her pre-admission appointment. mom does not have cancer, but she does have a lump and they want to remove it. in less than one year she will have had two surgeries. in her entire life I think she spent three days in the hospital. two were with me and now it has become a familiar place for us. I know she will be fine. I am confident that this is the right thing to do. she cried in the car on the way home from the doctors the other day. when I asked her if she was crying because she was scared, she said no. she was crying because she was trying to understand why these things keep happening to her.
I told her that everything would be fine. this was peanuts compared to what it could be. here I was, her daughter, comforting her. she was the one who cleaned up my cuts and bruises. she was the one who held my head as my nose bled and gave me popsicles after I had my tonsils out. she took good care of me and now it is my turn to take good care of her.
I keep comparing it to having a child. she needs to be supervised walking and using stairs. sometimes she follows direction and other times she chooses her own way. sometimes I think she is not grasping the words and other times I think she is just itching to jump ship.
my mom has always been a very strong lady. under five feet tall, but she could crush a giant. she had arms of a body builder and abs of steel. she worked extremely hard and helped others out as much as she could. with all these big things within this tiny body I too often wonder why?
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. so far her struggles have brought her and I closer than we have ever been. I appreciate her so much more than I ever had. I am still not entirely clear on why this is all happening, but I feel very blessed to still have my parents and that is my happy...