full worm moon dreamboard

this month I had trouble getting to my dream board. it is kind of comical because that has been something that I have uncovered lately. this block or hesitance. call it fear or call it safety. it's like something inside me is holding me back. I don't understand it. what payoff am I getting from staying where I am or avoiding something that if I tried it might propel me forward? is it the safety I feel about myself as is? we are forever changing. everything changes so it's not about wanting more change. I think it is about wanting more, but at the same time having less.

I have this deep need to have everything emptied. stripped down, like a skeleton. and then start reapplying the layers as they call for their place. some days I find myself very unsettled. anxious to vacate. other days I find moments of calm and peace, warmth and comfort and the desire to stay in my cocoon.

if I look back on last month's dream board I also struggled to start it. hmmm? the theme was fun, taking risks, different angles and lots of blue and light. well I did manage to fix the kitchen light! I did have fun more than usual and I did a lot of things that I normally would not do so that would be the risk taking. looking at things from different angles? not sure about that one. I guess sometimes we just don't know the meaning. we just know.

and so this month I had no trouble gathering my images. they just jumped out at me. my dream board is filled with butterflies, birds, colors, play and the lady with the umbrella for me means shelter. I think of freedom with the birds and the butterflies. flying off...

umbrella? shelter? protection?

the words I picked were "let your story unfold" and "off she's gone" and "stop talking yourself out of the life you want most".

getting ready for some sort of journey perhaps? bring it!

did you do a dream board this month? check out what others have done over at jamie's site!

angels among us...

took a break today and headed over to the organic zodiac healing arts cafe and fine gallery. local artist aynsley nisbet hosted a drop in this afternoon. I had the chance to play around with oil paints and canvas. great music, warm and friendly atmosphere and my easel was set up right by the window with the sun shining through!

my piece started out as a bird. then it became a butterfly and finally an angel. I have been feeling pretty crappy for the last few days so maybe I am calling on the angel to help me heal? mama could use some angel goodness herself as we found out yesterday that she may have to undergo radiation therapy. she has stage 0 ductal carcinoma. they took out the itty bitty teeny weeny bit of cancer that was in there, but want to be sure that it does not return. poor mama!

it has been highs and lows for the past few days and I am glad I gave myself permission to go and chill out. it was very meditative and calming. just what I needed! thanks aynsley

done...

started doing some hand lettering in black...

outlined the lettering in white and added more brown paint spills

decided that it needed a few more spills in a contrasting color and some paint flicking.

and there ya have it! I hope he likes it!

back to back gigs this weekend! woo!

work in progress...

working on a submission for a client of mine (hee hee). thought it would be fun to come up with a poster/signage thing for his band.

I took an old paint by number painting that I abandoned cause apparently paint by number was too "color inside the lines" for me. ha! I then added various bits of pictures and text and did a wash of ivory over top.

trying to figure out which way to go with the colors...

and then finally adding the "orange trees". why three? c'mon!

I worked on this all day on friday as I was stuck at home. the interesting thing is that I didn't rush it. it still is not complete and I have added more elements. it was so much fun to take my time and enjoy the process. stepping back and trying to figure out what step to take next. this is quite unusual for me as I am more go, go, go get 'er done. love that I found that part of me that entered a meditation of sorts while working on this piece.

then again that part of me is now also guarding the piece. I find myself frozen and unable to take the next step. when it ends, when it is complete, then what? do you ever feel that way with something you created? you are enjoying the process so much that you do not want it to end? the journey is so much fun that you are not in a hurry to reach the destination?

I relate this to other things in my life and it rings true in many instances. I am trying to figure out why I stop. I don't like to call it quit cause I don't feel that I am quitting, but rather that I am delaying the end result. I need to figure out what my pay off is for climbing the mountain, but never quite reaching the top to see what is on the other side. guess I am a "work in progress" too?

the "happy book" report

in between buddha blessing and jehovah visits we have had an abundance of happy this week:

sunday:

one of my "prairie sisters' met me for a visit. we chatted for hours and completely lost track of time. it was wonderful! I loved hearing her voice and seeing her smile in person. awesome!

monday:

the snow fell and I embraced it by taking photos. it was SO beautiful! yes, you heard me correct! I was smiling even though it was chilly.

tuesday:

finished up a project from paulette's class at "inspired " last year. finally!

wednesday:

another project from from cheryl darrow's class also at "inspired". ya going?

thursday:

papa to the rescue! the light bulbs burned out in my kitchen and the bulbs snapped off when we tried to remove them. yay! we tried several methods to get the bottoms out and nothing! "who ya gonna call?" DAD! although it was a "job" so to speak we worked together. I remember when I was little and dad and I would build stuff and work on projects together for hours in his workshop. I still have a little box that we made together to hold my cassette tapes in. so today I cherished our time. just him and I patiently trying to figure out how to get the light working again. giggling at our mishaps and smashing stuff on the front step. oh yeah! I really should have let him do it, but he didn't have safety glasses on! so we now have light again in our kitchen which means - back to cooking! ha!

what were your happy moments this week? don't forget to go and share.

good luck cow?

are you one of those people who forwards those "send to ten people good luck" e-mails? stop it wouldya? I normally do not get sucked in by those things, but every once in a while in a moment of weakness or what could be considered "foggy PMS brain" I cave.

yesterday would be one of those days. it all started with the morning of dumb ass move #1 where I registered as a seller on a u.s. site only to find out that the only way to be paid would be by having a u.s. bank account IN THE U.S!

then my lovely friend (you know who you are!) sent out this e-mail with a lucky buddha. ya want some luck? want some money? send it to six friends and in four days blah, blah, blah, BUT send it to twelve friends and in TWO days blah, blah, blah. never to be one of great patience I immediately (yup, did not sit in my inbox for more than a second) forwarded it to twelve people. some friends, some family and then waited for the luck and money to roll in!

however, (I would like to call this "dumb ass move #2) I sent it to my BIL who is a pastor and who sent me a gentle reminder about buddha and god and a wonderful passage to read. thank goodness my BIL is awesome and understood my moment of weakness.

fast forward to this morning where we (my BIL and I) are e-mailing back and forth about wealth, the buddha, god and so on. good conversation! doorbell rings. must be the meter reader dude? NOPE! it's jehovah witness inviting me to...

it doesn't matter! so I guess the point of this post is to share with you what I learned:

- luck does not come from a object

- let those e-mails sit for a day before you hit send

- never answer the door to strangers

and in what could be considered "dumb ass move #3?" I am almost certain that the cow will offend someone too. would it help to tell you that I do not eat animals?

today HAS to be better, no?

the "happy book" report

joey that brightens all my days and my daily reminder "you do not have to be good"(mary oliver). so appropriate for me at this time.

art journal love letters and an unexpected result! love paper accidents!

mama "the rock star" made it through her surgery with flying colors! yay!

my first 5 km run after over a year of injuries. SO awesome!

I just watched jamie's video over at the next chapter blog. she asked us to think about how this happy book journey has impacted us. for myself it has had a huge impact. I find myself in a negative place or faced with challenges and I give my head a shake and tell myself to stop it. I look for the happy in each moment.

this past week more so than any was full. full of good stuff. full of family visits. full of scary moments and full of risks. I handle these times a lot better than I used to.

I find myself encouraging others to look for the "happy" or to turn that frown upside down. if anything I get a smile out of them. maybe it's a smirk saying "what would you know".

what I do know for sure is that you and only you are the one and only thing standing in the way of your happiness. I would love to hear what made you happy this week so head on over to the blog and share!

three things...

read this...

watch this...

listen to this...

gremlins

you are so persistent.

your loud voices chanting,

"who do you think you are?"

you had me all wound up,

and ready to quit.

how could you?

but I carried on.

one step, two steps, three steps,

and away I ran,

and left you in the dust.

my feet pounding the pavement,

silencing your screams.

you will not break me!

the wind blowing my hair,

and the sweat falling off my face.

and all I could hear was the sound of my breath,

and the rhythm of my steps.

one, two, three...

inspired by...

elsie...

a fun little project - just because...

that's ok...

there will be days when you are not strong...

there may be moments when you have to let go...

you might not make it over the mountain - today...

and today without witness you may break,

and the tears will fall,

and you feel like you are all alone,

and that's ok.

you are not perfect,

but you are brave,

and you do the best you can with what you have,

and you remind yourself that you did not fail,

and you can try again.

and that's ok.

happy friday?

I am told over and over again to appreciate the happy moments in my life. lately it has been a struggle to find the "happy". I have had more blue moments in the past couple of weeks than bright shiny ones.

the sun is shining through my window this morning and it is so beautiful. I woke up to puppy kisses and tick, tick, tick on the floor from the old dog pacing. it would be so quiet without those two. as I rolled over I found my soft place to fall. I feel so safe, so loved and so thankful that I have him. without him I would not be able to carry on. I need his strength to push me forward and to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.

today I take my mom for her pre-admission appointment. mom does not have cancer, but she does have a lump and they want to remove it. in less than one year she will have had two surgeries. in her entire life I think she spent three days in the hospital. two were with me and now it has become a familiar place for us. I know she will be fine. I am confident that this is the right thing to do. she cried in the car on the way home from the doctors the other day. when I asked her if she was crying because she was scared, she said no. she was crying because she was trying to understand why these things keep happening to her.

I told her that everything would be fine. this was peanuts compared to what it could be. here I was, her daughter, comforting her. she was the one who cleaned up my cuts and bruises. she was the one who held my head as my nose bled and gave me popsicles after I had my tonsils out. she took good care of me and now it is my turn to take good care of her.

I keep comparing it to having a child. she needs to be supervised walking and using stairs. sometimes she follows direction and other times she chooses her own way. sometimes I think she is not grasping the words and other times I think she is just itching to jump ship.

my mom has always been a very strong lady. under five feet tall, but she could crush a giant. she had arms of a body builder and abs of steel. she worked extremely hard and helped others out as much as she could. with all these big things within this tiny body I too often wonder why?

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. so far her struggles have brought her and I closer than we have ever been. I appreciate her so much more than I ever had. I am still not entirely clear on why this is all happening, but I feel very blessed to still have my parents and that is my happy...

full snow moon dreamboard

last month I asked for:

- more love of self and others

I worked really hard on reminding myself that I am okay and loving myself has greater rewards than hating myself. with others I tried to accept the fact that we are all different and not to take things so personally. love others for who they are and not who I want them to be.

- less guilt for putting myself first

a tough one for me, but again I made a huge effort this month to put myself first. I said no a few times and when that pang of guilt hit I told myself that it is just as important to take care of myself as it is other people.

- accepting that there is nothing wrong with me

let's just say this one did not go so well! the gremlins are strong and most times their voices are louder than I can bear. one day at a time.

- filling my heart with joy by making time to make stuff

I took a few days this month to just play with no real outcome. I got messy and had paint everywhere including my face, but it felt good and I felt filled up with joy.

- giving gifts to myself and others - just because

my gift to myself this month was the art journal love letters. I have been having a blast playing around with different mediums and learning new techniques to use in my journals. I sent out gifts and cards to people without occasion or reason. I loved hearing their reaction and their plan to pay it forward.

- continuing to be brave in my discovery of self

I started asking myself questions in my journal and getting the thoughts down on paper to see if they pop back at me with more clarity. in some instances I have found out things I already knew about myself, but how to overcome the same fears I feel over and over? it is something I yearn to figure out.

- gathering with friends and family to celebrate and support

we had a wonderful celebration of love with our family and friends. I love getting everyone together and just basking in the love and laughter that we share. this month has already brought more gatherings and more to come. love it!

this month's dreamboard was a struggle to start with and then before you know it I had all my images together. the common thread seemed to be fun, being silly, taking risks, different angles and lots of blue and light.

looks like I will be looking at things a bit differently and perhaps stepping into the light to shine and take some risks? time to put on my brave pants and go for it...

did you do your dreamboard this month? go over here and share...