on being a mom

today is mother's day and the day I became a mother was the best day of my life. oh you will hear me tell stories of how wonderful the pregnancy was and there was only one day I felt icky. I craved sunflower seeds and pepsi/cream soda slurpees. his father drove around for hours finding me this combination as no other would do. I knew the delivery would be hell. I could feel it. the thing is I don't think I realized until just now why it went the way it did. it was like a preparation for things to come. I was overdue by two weeks so I was induced. all was dandy till the drip kicked in. whoa! hard and fast contractions. I threw ice chips, I yelled at the nurses to just let me lie there. I closed my eyes and prayed that I could actually deliver this child. I was afraid that I would lose him. I was afraid that I would never be a good mom. that I would fail. I worried about so much and after pushing and pulling he was born. he didn't cry when they put him on me. he just sat there and looked at me. as if to say whoa! that was one hell of a ride, hey mom? it was only the beginning...

and here we are almost 18 years later and it has been one hell of a ride my son! we have had our share of fear. we have yelled. I closed my eyes and prayed several times that he would get through it. each speed bump made me stronger. made him wiser. we learned SO much together. I worried that he would still love me when I had to be tough. that he would have as close to normal a life as I could build for him. that I made the right choices, for him. that he would make the right choices, for him. that we would be able to sit down and have real honest conversations about sex, drugs and rock & roll.

being a mom to me has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I did what I did hoping it was the right thing. I did the best I could with what I knew and continue to try to be as supportive as possible in all his choices. he is an amazing kid. SO not a kid anymore, but a man. hair on his face and broad shoulders. he has given me such a show growing up. he is brilliant, talented and artistic. he is his own person. I admire that in him. we always thought he would become a lawyer. negotiating, researching, defending were and still are a big part of his discussions. some days he wants to go into music. other days he wants to pursue culinary arts. whatever he does I know that he will do great things. something big. something that will make a difference or at least make a statement. I know it just looking at his entrance into this world and how he has made such a difference in my life. and tomorrow on the day that we buy our mother's cards and gifts I feel like he has given me the best gift of all. "front row and center" as I watch him grow and I can hardly wait to see what' next!

and here is the latest photo of my beautiful baby boy:

and did I mention he could cook?

yum! mediterranean pasta!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there!


Gawdess said...

Happy Mother's Day to you.

Anonymous said...

i agree. beautiful.

parenting is the hardest thing EVER. complete fear and courage at the same time.