some days your the peep

yesterday I felt just like this poor peep. all run over and squished with my insides open and oozing. oh the day started out fine enough. mom had a opthamologist appointment and I couldn't see the point of returning to the eye doctor yet again to be told that there was nothing they could do and she needed to blink more. we have made several trips there back and forth in the last couple of years and with her condition there is little they can do. except this time it was her doctor requesting the appointment and wanting a report of the findings.

so back to me. I have been watching the oprah life class on tour series this week and the first three episodes had me in a puddle of tears with a pile of kleenex beside me. was it the people she pulled up on stage or the fact that I could relate to the lesson? I'm sure we could all relate to the lessons. stopping the pain, living fearlessly, living with purpose and the power of forgiveness. sound like stuff you have thought about it or dealt with? yes, uh huh.

all of the lessons had me thinking, which is good. I like television that makes you think and I miss "that" kind of television. so me thinks that I should probably try and put some of these lessons to the test. what could it hurt? really? I could try to tell my mom that I love her and give her a kiss every time I see her. yeah, I could do that. I could forgive her for that which she did or did not do and sum it up to - she did the best she could with what she had. ok.

I head out yesterday morning with oprah in my pocket and a smile on my face. I am going to get through this appointment and even surprise mom with lunch out. "oh happy day" ringing in my ear. actually it was rhianna or something on the radio, but it was catchy.

I arrive at the home and dad is calling me on my cell. no doubt wanting to know where I am. I enter mom's room and the first thing out of my dad's mouth is "we're late!" to which I reply, "no, we're not, just relax" and then turn to mom to say hello and give her a peck on the forehead. she looks tired and weak. after lifting her out of her chair, getting her coat on and fluffing up her hair a bit we start out. dad is bitching the whole time down the hallway, "put your head down, look down, jesus maria look down" and trying to force her head down at the same time. here is my theory and I am no doctor but if you kept yelling at me to do something that was next to impossible for me to do, but I could do it, with patience and calm and probably not with YOU YELLING AT ME TO PUT MY HEAD DOWN! whew!

it just continued. in the car he tells me he has brought her glasses. her glasses? she never wears those dad. yeah, but she probably needs too. apparently when I turned around for a quick second dad went off and acquired a degree. we arrive at the appointment. I'm driving of course and so I try to get as close to the door as possible to drop her off. dropping her off means lifting her out of the truck and getting her set up with her walker. all the while making sure she doesn't all of the sudden topple. she ain't no weeble! this one does fall down!

so the appointment actually went really well. mom's eyes have actually improved. seems like life at "the home" has helped her eyes. with the consistent use of the eye drops and dark glasses and probably the humidity level too her eyes look healthy. shazam!

heading back out to the truck I ask dad to pull it around to the front. "do you got her?, hang on to her!, she's gonna fall!" ok, there is that yelling again and yes I have her! I am not a complete moron and if she falls on my watch it will be a complete accident and not intentional although I was having thoughts of how to silence HIM!

as I am lifting mom into the truck which is really no easy feat. thank goodness the women tips the scale at just over a hundred, but I am small and the truck is big! dad is no help other than his bitching and wanting to get in there and do it and then have more reason to complain about his back. so along comes a perfect stranger who says "oh if she used her other foot it would be easier". yes I KNOW that, I say, but her right leg is stronger. she goes on "well, I used to do this for a living and I had four aging parents that I took care of and..." yes, thank you I say and proceed to pick up mom's little body and place her in the seat as gently as I can all the while hearing the lady say "it probably would be easier if you put her butt in first and then someone on the other side could pull her in". really? to which I reply "well, there is no someone to be on the other side - there is just me". she finishes with "oh yes, of course. well, I just don't want you hurting yourself or anything". I reply with, thank you, I appreciate your concern and thank you for your help knowing full well that I probably sounded like a bomb getting ready to explode. just hissing....

back in the truck where dad starts in about who was this lady and why the hell was she stopped and talking and so on and so forth. mom asks who this lady was and I say she was a friendly stranger wanting to lend a hand and offer some advice. no harm in that and mom agrees. now off to the surprise lunch where again I park in front of the door. easier for me to lift mom out, but also another excuse for dad to yell at me. "oh, jesus christ, well, ok, just take her in and pick the most convenient table". he doesn't pull the walker out and so basically I am taking mom into the restaurant with her on my shoes. kind of like when you were little and used to stand on your dad's feet to dance with him. sigh....

dad walks in after parking the truck and apparently I have failed again cause I picked the table closest to the door. what was I thinking? well, I was thinking that you told me to pick the most convenient table and seeing as I literally carried your wife in here cause you didn't want to unload the walker again, well, hell ya I picked this table. lunch is ordered. we are at ma and pa's fave fish and chip place. they always order the $10 meal of cod and chips. I order halibut cause I like the taste better than cod but more than $10. eating commences after I cut up mom's fish and am quite fine with her eating with her fingers. but then it happens, sometimes you see it coming and you are diving in slow motion like those guys do on tv as they are yelling NOOOOOOOOOOO! but it's too late. she sneezes all over my plate. poor mama. between dad's bitching and mom's sneezing I have lost my appetite. lucky for me I scooted my coleslaw over the side and took a few bites of it. hit the bathroom and when I returned dad asks me why I order the halibut. I like the taste better I tell him. he says well it tastes the same to me. I just tried some of yours and actually it is a bit chewier than ours. WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I say well then I guess the next time I will order cod seeing as it tastes the same or is it the fact that the halibut is more expensive that bothers you? no, no, no he says, I told you to order whatever you wanted. ok, well, then shut the hell up mister! of course I didn't vocalize that last part to my dad. I just smiled, but what I really wanted to do was cry. I felt like he ran me over and then came back and stepped on me to make sure I wasn't moving. turns out his fish and chip buddy charged us all $10 and so my expensive halibut choice did not break his cod loving bank after all. oh please let this end I cried to myself.

we got mom back to the home. we settled her in. he kept on about something else. something about dan and what is he doing? when is he going to settle down, buy a house, save some money? I say, dan is happy and he is doing what he loves and he is supporting himself. I think that is wonderful dad. hmm mph. throughout this whole day I am hacking up a lung, blowing my nose to smithers and wind up with a bleeding nose as I place mom back into her wheelchair. at no point did either of them ask if I was ok or had been to the doctor about that nasty cough or oh my your nose is bleeding let me help you out. I kissed mom on the forehead and told her I loved her. I said I would. I wanted too. I needed too. I would hate for ANYONE to feel how unloved I felt at that moment.

as I am bolting to my car dad is on my heels. still going on and on about something. I stopped listening, I was done, I came, I did and stick a fork in me - D.O.N.E, done, done. I wanted to turn around and yell at him - do you know dad that every time I see my son or talk to him I tell him how lucky I am and how much I love him and how proud I am of him. he is not perfect, no. none of us are, but he is the best there is and I want him to know it and I want him to feel it from the top of his head to the tips of his toes that he is loved - unconditionally - LOVED. he will never have to wonder if I love him or is he making me proud or do I think what he is doing is good. he will never have to hear me say that he never calls me or how much I need him. he will be free to live his life as he sees fit and as long as he is happy and smiling, I too am happy. I didn't say it though I just kept walking and could feel the tears coming on. I said good bye.

look how friggin happy dan is hanging out in a tree in golden gate park! back home I munch on a fortune cookie and my fortune reads "try a new system or a different approach" and I giggle through the tears.

washroom wednesday

ah yes, washroom wednesday you say? let's just say that this decorating the new home has been quite a challenge. from time to time I am still convinced that I am on a holiday and that I will be returning to my former home "soon". with that said I have not flexed my brave muscles when it comes to hammering holes in the wall or picking out items for the rooms. I wanted to share one of the rooms that for now are complete. our main bathroom.

when we renovated our bathroom in the old house we had a medicine cabinet with an etched mirror on the front. it is definitely old, but has wonderful character. I have held on to the mirror front all these years. it spent some time in my son's bedroom and now it is the mirror in our main bathroom. the towel is also vintage so to speak. mama had it in her piles of towels and it was the perfect colour so I scooped it up. we went with a pedestal sink cause mama said "I like a da sink" when she saw it in the show home. so although it would not have been my first choice because of the lack of storage. I do like it.

the basket over the sink houses extra toilet paper, wash cloths and kleenex. I picked the basket up at a second hand store. the colour and wire texture drew me to it. it was probably used for a flower pot basket at some point, but it fits on top of the tank perfectly.

the spot above the toilet consists of a collage of all the different bathrooms and bathroom elements that I have collected from our travels around the world. there are washrooms from cuba, mexico, italy, the dominican republic and chicago. there is a photo of the bathroom from my uncle's house in italy which is a stand up toilet. I also included a photo of the potty pot in the nightstand from my aunt's house also in italy. there is a picture of an outdoor sink and a couple of signs directing us to the appropriate facilities. I just printed the photos on my home printer and white washed some inexpensive ikea frames and voila.

there is a bit of wall next to the shower and here I framed a piece that I calligraphed and watercolored. it was not made with the idea of hanging it in the bathroom, but the colours and words just worked.

the wall opposite the sink has a towel bar and centred on the wall I framed up a piece of art that dan did in high school. he called it "clear hearts, grey flowers". it looks like some kind of resist and watercolour. I have hung on to this for years wanting to hang it up and finally I did.

with the assistance of "joey" I share with you my homemade trash can. dad had some leftover fence boards and so I drew up a design of what I wanted and just whitewashed it with some gesso.

the lid is a piece of wood that I collaged with little bits from our life and then added a knob from anthropologie.

here is a picture of it when I was working on it at mom and dad's. I made one for the master bath as well and the only regret is that I didn't incorporate a little door on the side near the bottom. it would have been a great place to hide extra toilet paper. especially in the main bathroom where there are no hiding places.

and there ya have it! I also wanted to share this, cute!

tuesday thank you and WINNER!

typewriter gifted by wendy gilchrist

I am thankful that I am a member of an outstanding group of women. we all agreed to be the party planners for our group. twice a year we plan an event from invitations to desserts. the whole sha bang! we laugh, we eat and we share and we support. we are non stop ideas and our main goal is that the attendees feel special and have a good time.

artwork by francie alberts bredeson

I joined the group in hopes to find a tribe so to speak of supportive and loving women. a reason to get out and get inspired and have fun and of course make stuff that others would enjoy.

artwork by barb keir

background quilt by nadia munarolo-kurjata

I had no idea that I would meet such awesome women. I have witnessed kindness that makes your heart burst open. I received the kinds of hugs and kisses filled with such love that you would think they were my sisters. in a way I guess they are. their generosity occurs in quiet little moments. they are not looking for the hoopla. they simply want to let you know that you are loved. and I am. and I love them. I love the insides and outsides and in between sides. every single droplet of them. I am so blessed.

loot bag by jeanine alexander

we had our meeting on sunday which started with me being picked up from my doorstep. I love being able to jump in the car and let someone else do the driving. I was offered snacks in the car for the long ride. truth be told it is all of fifteen minutes, but it was so cute! rice cakes and tootsie rolls. francie makes me smile. she is a burst of fresh air and always makes me feel like I am enough.

we arrived at barb's house and dropped ourselves into the spots around the fireplace. I love a wood burning fireplace! jeanine starts out with a story. I love her stories. I love the emotion in her face as she tells us about her delight in being surprised for her birthday on the weekend. she was greeted with friends and family from out of town and it made me feel so happy to know that her family appreciates and loves her as much as I know she loves them. she gave us all "birthday loot bags"! remember those? each of ours were personalized. mine even had a couple of cigars from cuba! ooh la la! a yummy cupcake, popcorn ball, brownies, a rubber stamp of our initial. we had such fun digging in and seeing what we had. presents for us for her birthday? awesome!

wendy brought her old typewriter for me. I had shared how I wished I had a typewriter again. mom no longer had mine and wendy said she had one or two and so there ya go! how much I say? oh, nothing she says. actually I want you to help me with my headboard. she admired what I did with my headboard and would like to do a similar project for her room. done!

barb looked up all of our names and hand calligraphed them with their meanings on little pieces of paper for us. huh? oh my goodness! a little nugget of her time put aside for us. who wouldn't feel loved?

we cut, we ate, we laughed, we brainstormed, more laughing, lots of laughing, sharing ideas and tiramisu by yours truly for dessert. oh it was a yummy night. these moments in time that I am in awe of and so very thankful for. I wish for all of you the same love and support!

AND THE WINNER OF THE BOOK IS.............yvonne! congratulations!

these are a few of my favourite things...

recently attend a class put on by the edmonton calligraphic society. barbara close guided us through two days of brush lettering and water-colour explorations. it was fantastic!

my workspace! agh!

one of the pieces I complete in the workshop

in the studio I have been listening to this and loving it! I started at the beginning and am working my way through all the episodes. he interviews a variety of people in all different mediums and different areas of experience. mark is very entertaining. go have a listen!

I accepted a commission that was totally out of my experience, but somehow I knew I could get it done and it turned out wonderful and the client was very happy with the result.

one side of the tote

on my nightstand lately I raced through "before I go to sleep" and "the art of racing in the rain". it usually takes me a long time to read through books, but these two were done in a week!

another workshop put on by the edmonton calligraphic society that I also attended recently had us playing with bleach on black etc. fun, fun, fun!

this started out as a huge piece and we broke it down

watched this TWICE already! love it! good stuff! I think the free viewing expires tomorrow so go watch NOW! very interesting and at times appalling. I would also suggest watching food, inc. as well. these films are full of good information and you take it as you wish. I did not get the impression that they were pushing anything at me, but rather educating me about what is the reality of our food these days. it amazes me looking at how my parents grew up and the food they ate and looking at them now and the shortcuts that they take when it comes to preparing meals. look at our world today and all the shortcuts and how we think that they are helping us. the question I ask myself is "are they helping me?" interesting isn't it?

and finally I just finished reading "note to self". I found out about this by listening to mark on the creative mojo show. he interviewed samara on october 20, 2010. you can listen to the past shows on the website. I just closed the cover on this one last night and thought I would share it with you. so if you would like to read this book, leave me a comment and I will pick one name on monday and send it off to you. sound kewl?

and finally if you have any fave things of your own to share add it to your comment. I would love to hear about them! wishing you a day full of sunny inspiration!

decisions

there are decisions to be made every second of the day. moment to moment we decide what we are going to do. will we crawl out of bed when we feel like hiding deep in the folds of the covers? comforted by the warmth and feeling the safety of lying there and not having to face another day?

when we decide to finally wake up will we shower today? what will we wear? fix our hair or declare a "hat day". what will we eat for breakfast? do we want coffee or tea this morning. these decisions occur in the first hour of the day and already it can seem so exhausting.

I find myself floating through the day and think of you. what decisions are you making? I feel lost without you. I used to pick up the phone and there you were. where are you now? you were so good at listening and giving answers.

I have a decision to make. can you hear me? can you answer me? I don't know what to do and you would always help me to see the whole picture. I am trying to step back from the answer. I am trying to take my emotions out of it. how do I? how did you? you probably watched hundreds of people make decisions about loved ones. surgery? breathing tube? pain medication? or let them go? sometimes I can hear your voice. I smile at the sound of your laugh. I can see you in others. are you there?

I decided to make rice krispie squares and jam muffins yesterday. that was easy. I just did it and the outcome was delicious. today I decided to make lemon bars and peanut butter cookies. did you like peanut butter cookies? I know you were allergic to fish and eggs but were you allergic to peanuts? why didn't I know that about you?

there is so much I didn't know about you. so much that we still had to talk about. there was so much you still had to experience. who made the decision that you would die?

I am trying to decide to be happy today. or can I decide that? in a breath I find myself in a puddle of tears thinking about you. I want to see you, touch you, hold you and tell you that I love you and hear you say "I love you too" and then that little giggle. you always had that little giggle afterwards. as if you thought that it was kind of silly that I would say "I love you". I did love you. I do love you. that decision was easy.

just like the decision to make muffins, squares and cookies. what is the worst that could happen? I could burn them. they would taste awful, but I could start again. nobody will die from my failed baking attempts. I chose the easy decision - bake.

I hate this responsibility. all I want to do is run. escape. hide. I know that is unrealistic. I know it will have to be done and I know it will have to be me. in the meantime I will have a cookie and think about it some more.

it's friday!

and you know what that means! time for a fluoroscopic swallow test! okay not for me, but for ma. oh mama! we had quite a scare with her over a month ago when she choked on a piece of honeydew melon. heimlich and all! we had a meeting with the team this week and wanted to make sure we are meeting her needs when it comes to food. ha! this makes me chuckle cause mom is a foodie. she has always loved food and could eat you under the table all the while weighing just over a hundred pounds soaking wet. she has been on a thickened diet now since october and hates it!

so the whole fam damily loads into the truck and I am handed the keys. WTF? ok, fine I will drive the 21 year old truck and watch people drop as I kill them with the fumes. fun, fun! the whole ride there dad is complaining. about what? I'm not sure. I stopped listening after the third "jesus christ" was dropped. mom meets with the technicians and answers questions and also offers up that she was told she could eat kentucky fried chicken with gravy after the last exam and she still hasn't had it, but she doesn't like gravy but the chicken would be good and maybe some fries too, but no gravy cause I don't like it. poor thing. all she wants is the friggin chicken that I remember from my childhood.

after church on sundays if mom had a coupon we would stop at kfc and pick up a bucket. no fries (she made those at home), no salads, no buns - just chicken. that crispy grease laden deep fried goodness was our one take out meal long before mcdonald's came to town. fast forward to my weight watchers beginning where I gave it up completely because it wasn't worth the points. then I end up working next door to a kentucky fried chicken and proceed to barf at each shift from the smell. even now the mere smell of it makes my stomach turn. come to think of it chicken in general makes me hurl.

so we are on our way back and mom mentions the chicken again. dad is still bitchin' about something. I think this time it was why did we have to wait afterwards for this.....blah, blah, blah.

so I says "ma, do you want some chicken?" she says "oh sure". so I tell her I will stop and get her some. she asks if there is a kentucky fried chicken on the way back. well, of course there is mom and if there isn't I will find one! I'm on a mission mama! meanwhile I catch the tail end of dad's latest rant and it surrounds the chicken and me trying to kill my mother. whoa? what? and then I'm done. I start to tell him that he can be miserable or he can be happy. it's a choice. choose wisely I tell him! I tell him that if he chooses to be miserable and bitch and complain then everyone is miserable. look at mom! she is smiling. happy! the chicken chase may or may not have had something to do with her smile, but still! she says she wants the chicken and if she chokes, let her die. amen mama! at least she went with chicken in her belly and a smile on her face!

and yet as I pull into the kfc parking lot with dad's voice in one ear and mom beaming in the front seat, I'm proud of myself. I took a little piece of shit and chucked it in the trash. got rid of the awful smell of sucky and turned it into a sweet smell of cheer. go me! I walked into kfc and ordered mama up some chicken and fries (no gravy) and did it with a smile on my face and a little bit of gurgle in my tummy. oh the smell was awful ain't gonna lie, but I NEEDED to do this for HER. back at the car and her lips were smacking and she was already to roll up her sleeves and have a chicken feast right there in the car. whoa mama! wait till we get back to the home.

so why this turn of of emotion? why feel so crappy and useless one day and then the other day I am a patient, kind and gentle chicken grabbing peach? I am gonna thank the art for that. this morning I went a little crazy with pitbull in my ears and paint on my hands. I played with no plan. just getting messy before dealing with the mess of my parents and my life. it was good. I need to remember that I should do this before every appointment with them. get it out and then get on with it.

I have to admit though that I think I can still smell that damn chicken on my shirt, jacket and scarf. but it was all worth the smile on mama's face when she was chomping down the chicken and fries. and dad? well, sent him home with the left overs and a kiss. gotta love him!

and if you happened to listen to the music link I betcha you couldn't resist dancing! weeeeeeeee! my girl got a big ole bootie, your girl got a little ole bootie, la la la la....

love, love, love