faves on friday

crazy beautiful!


Kilian Martin: Altered Route (a Skate Film) from mb! by Mercedes-Benz on Vimeo.


have you read?  I found his transformation incredible.  strip yourself of everything and get naked.  who are you really?  loved it!

mark bradford!  swoon!  "I don't come from an art background.  I come from a making background".  saw his exhibit at SFMOMA and fell in love.  check him out!

this emotional life worth every minute!  a very interesting look at our emotions, relationships and the resilience of people.

one of my most recent reads is very real, twisted and kinda funny all at the same time.  I devoured it!  her website is full of videos and writing.  it will keep you busy for awhile.

so I gave ya something to watch and something to read.  wish I could give ya a happy friday hug for all your love and support!  have an amazing weekend!

tidy up...

before

after

yesterday became a day of transformation for joey and mama.  joey normally has long hair.  when we first picked him up from the rescue shelter he looked like one of the muppets.  I like to keep him short and tidy.  it is easier to clean him up when he comes in covered in mud.  he was reluctant to go with the groomer to the back.  it was as if he was saying "no mama I want to be with you" and "I promise to stay clean".  truth is he has been smelling like a dog and in the new place I still haven't figured out how to give him a bath.  in our old house we had two big wash tubs in the laundry room.  it was great.  wash in one, rinse in the other and start the dryer while he was still contained in the sink.  it didn't matter if he shook trying to get dry.  it was the laundry room after all, but here it looks like the bathtub will have to become his new wash vessel.  so now he is clean, tidy and smelling like a rose.  you can see his eyes and he looks into your soul and sometimes I think he is talking to me.  I imagine him saying "I love you and I am here for you to cuddle with when you feel like shit on a stick".  dogs are incredible like that.  they love you no matter what.  you can be angry, smelly and rushing around, but they remind you to stop and take time to rest.  I love to cuddle with him and his puppy kisses melt away all the worries in my head.

after I dropped him off at the groomers I went to work on mama's hair.  I found her in bed and located a nurse to help me get her into her wheelchair.  she looked tired.  I explained to her that we are turning your room into a salon today.  she smiled.  she seemed weak.  I pulled out my iPhone and hit play on my italian music selection and began.  then I remembered what a friend had said about taking pictures.  thank you jeanine!  so I thought I would take a before and after.

before

after

it was tricky.  I removed the back from her wheelchair so that I could get to her hair.  I used a colour rinse which may only last a couple of washings.  her hair is so soft.  I remember it always being dry.  I used to colour mom's hair all the time.  then I would curl it and set it.  I remember her hair being dry and brittle.  it was soft and the colour it had become reminded me of my nonna.  I coloured, I dried and I curled.  she is very rigid so moving her around is like moving around a bag of grass clippings.  you think you have it and then it flops over.  I kept asking her if she was ok.  did she need anything.  she sat there and nodded off and on.  at the end I turned around to face the mirror, but because of her neck she couldn't see.  what to do?  so I took a pic with my phone and showed it to her.  "ah, yeah" she said.  "good".

I don't know how long the colour will last.  I think they may be giving her a bath today and so there go the curls.  the thing is at first I was pissed at my dad for wanting her hair coloured and yesterday as I was wheeling her to lunch and everyone was saying how beautiful she looked it hit me.

I was given a gift and I never even knew it.  all those years of doing her hair and "playing salon" have been moments when it was just the two of us.  she was "stuck" so to speak in the chair which was rare for my mom to ever stop and sit.  she ran around all the time.  she was cleaning, cooking, washing clothes and stirring soup all at the same time.  for those brief moments we were chatting and laughing when I would ask how the kids were and we are all done now maria!  time to go to the front and pay.  

 mama & I

I spoke to dad this morning and he sounded happy.  he said mom's hair looked good.  hmmm...  it's really a little thing, isn't it?  a little thing that made a whole bunch of people stop and smile.  oh we may be in a puddle of tears tomorrow and mom's hair may be a mess, but I am starting to realize that those little moments are really quite huge.

I did learn (cause there is always a lesson) that when and if I end up in a home that I will probably just shave my head, lose the bra and braid my chin hairs.  now let's not get crazy!  I will still need a cappuccino maker on my nightstand.  :)

most recent picture of mom may 17, 2012

it's early monday morning.  I can hear the beep beep sounds of the construction trucks starting their day.  the phone rings and it is dad.  he is wondering if we can do anything about mom's hair colour.  I cringe.  I know that this is something that I will have to figure out.  one more thing to try to "fix".  I'm the one to call and I am the one to succeed or fail.  I am the one making the decisions.  I am the go to girl.  this used to be mom's job.  she was good at it.  she kept everything and everybody in their place and she always had a place for everything and everybody in her life.  she did it effortlessly.  we used to call her the energizer bunny.  go, go, go.  you couldn't keep up.  I am not good at it.  it's funny cause I am a leo and leo's are known for leading.  I will stand by you and support you.  I will cheer you on from the sidelines, but please don't put me front and centre and ask me if I think we should go with a feeding tube or not.  yes, I am not good at it, but I'm doing it.  I'm learning and I am trying.  I am clear on what I decide and I go with my gut.  I could do more, sure, couldn't anyone?  some people say I should do more.  I should be there all the time.  I should have kept her home.  I should have hired round the clock nurses.  some people say I am doing great.  I need to take time for me and not feel guilty about it.  I will go crazy if I am there all the time.  and some people need to understand that my shoes don't fit them.  "walk a mile in my shoes..."  really?  cause last time I checked I was walking in my shoes and I don't have the same size as you.  your life is not mine and although I can understand - I simply cannot know it all.  which reminds me...I need to get the summer shoes out.

mom spent mother's day in the hospital with severe dehydration, two serious urinary tract infections and I thought for sure it was the end.  I sat by her hospital bed wondering who to call.  the priest?  final rites?  my dad?  it was late at night and as the hours passed they began to treat her and run tests.  I felt helpless and very small.  I needed to step aside and let the doctors and nurses do what needed to be done.  she was admitted to hospital and although her speech returned she was unable to feed herself or get up at all.  since her return to long term care she has been bed ridden except to get her in the wheelchair for meals.  meals which consist of a meal replacement drink and mushed up groceries.  she has no energy.  her arms and hands lay on top of her legs unable to move.  her speech is weaker.  she talks very slow and very quietly.  sometimes I can make out what she says and other times I just say "yes, mom".  oh but her mind is good despite the doctors saying she has dementia.  she is hanging on by a thread.  for me it is a waiting game.  this whole process has been a game of sorts.  I am one of the pieces on the board.  I think of the service, the readings, the prayer cards, the people, the eulogy.  I feel ready.  I feel at peace and I don't want her to suffer anymore.  three years ago when she began to lose her independence is when she would have wanted to die.  she never would have wanted any of this.

my father is the other piece and he wants her hair coloured.  he wants her to gain weight.  he wants her to move.  he wants some resemblance of "his" maria back.  he too hangs on by a thread.  he's not eating enough.  he is not sleeping well.  he is in pain all the time.  he is grouchy and will get himself all twisted up if one of her nightgowns goes missing.

we asked him to join us for lunch/dinner yesterday to spend some time outside of the facility and he declined.  I was crushed.  my father did not want to spend father's day with his daughter.  I baked him chocolate chip cookies and gave him a card.  he asked why so many cookies.  who is going to eat all these cookies?  I don't give a shit who eats the cookies.  I am just trying to remind you that you are loved and you are not alone.  dan tried to bargain with my dad when he offered him a cookie.  I'll eat one nonno if you eat one.  good job dan.  there ya go.  but dad said no.  he just ate and he didn't want to upset his stomach.  oh, so you ate?  like "lunch"?  like where "we" just came from?  I need to let it go.

people tell me to be patient with him.  to not take it personally.  he is fragile and depressed.  yes, I know that.  I do.  I understand that, but when that little tiny voice inside me just wants my dad; well, I guess it is the same thing.  I want my "dad" like he wants his "maria".  I want the dad who would jump on his bike and we would ride for hours together around the neighbourhood.  I want the dad who would let me pick up the hammer and hit the nail into the wood and make stuff.  I want the dad who sat beside me while I learned how to drive a stick in the middle of a field.  I want the dad who would cut the grass with dan and his play lawn mower right next to each other.

michael tries to hold us altogether.  he tries to keep tabs on dad,  comfort mom who loves talking to him and keep me from running out the door.  he plans get aways to keep sane and allow me to recharge.

we are all pieces in this game.  there are moves to be made, but everyone is sitting there trying to not do the wrong thing.  none of us know what the right thing is.  we all try different things to keep us afloat, but realistically we are the small child in church clasping their hands together really tight so as not to squirm.  none us want the other to suffer.  none of us wants to do the wrong thing and upset the other.  

there are crumbs in my freezer drawer and that is bothering me.  I was upset yesterday when I realized he bought small garbage bags instead of large.  I tried to help by moving the car out of the garage, but he parked so damn close to the side that I had to forward and backwards a million times.  why does he do that?  these are the things that roam around my head keeping me up at night.  the serious stuff and then the stuff that just doesn't really matter.  crumbs in the freezer?  who is going to see that, but me? 

the thing is it's not about the crumbs, the bags or the car.  we are all just trying to hang on to something or we are trying to get something back. we have lost our leader and we are all trying to find our new place.  we are shuffling around like the pieces on the game board.  roll the dice; woo!  move two spaces forward and pick a card!  my heart goes out to everyone who has been here or is there now.  you are not alone and you will make it through.  you will.

faves on friday

it's been crazy around here lately.  in the meantime and in between time I wanted to share some faves of late:

found this through lisa!  so beautiful...



wanna go with me for tea?  I could totally see my son doing this!

what a wonderful idea!

colourful and inspiring all at the same time.

and if you want to watch a wonderful story.

enjoy!

faves on friday

"I paint heaven and hell and getting there" - oh I love this!

and how much fun would it be to go and do this?

I've been enjoying reading this lately.

trying to make up my own version of this.

this is just beautiful.

do you have anything to share?

look into the light

some days are hard.  we can all relate to that.  some days I feel helpless and empty.  I love that the sun is beginning to shine more and more.  I thrive in the sunshine.  some days I feel like my life is so dark and I am stumbling around trying to find a match to light the candle that will lead the way.

and as the flame begins to flicker I use it to guide me to the good things.  I try with all my might to find the positive in each moment.  I listen to others who have been where I am and hear the concern in their voice.  they know what is to come.  they lived it.  they fear for me.

the thing is that when mom was sent to the hospital and I thought that this was it for her, I was not afraid.  I was calm and kept two things in mind.  make sure she knows that she is loved and she is not alone.  I kept caressing her forehead.  I talked to her about what was going on and what they were doing to her and why.  I talked to her about pain.  I didn't want her to feel any pain.  I held her hand and told her I loved her.  she was having trouble forming her words.  her tongue would move and her mouth would try to make the shapes but all that came out was a babble similar to a baby cooing.  oh mama.  you could tell she was frustrated.  she had something to tell me.  I leaned in close to try and hear her and understand her better and made out the words "hurry up".  what?  was she saying "hurry up people and figure this out"  or "hurry up god and take me now"?

the day before she went to the hospital she told me that maybe it was her time to go.  I asked that she hang on till monday when dan returns and then she could do whatever she wanted.  oh I felt awful trying to bargain with her when she was so sick.  why was I asking her to hang on?  I think I felt that she would be more at peace if she had one last chance to see dan.  I think I felt that dan deserved to see her alive and tell her he loved her one last time.  well mom made it to monday and was able to see dan and for dan to see her.

she lays in the hospital fighting the infection.  at least I think she is fighting.  she looks good.  I mean pretty good for someone who is so sick.  we had a good visit today.  dad and I and her.  the three of us.  just like it was all those years.  we loved her.  we fed her.  we comforted her.  we made her laugh.  I don't know what is going to happen from here.  nobody does.  she is hanging on and so am I.  hanging on and hanging in.  just make it through today.

girls, girls, girls,

this past weekend I had the privilege and thrill of taking care of my two nieces for the whole weekend.  unfortunately the weekend began with my mom being very sick and barely able to communicate, but I juggled it all this weekend!

after checking on mom friday afternoon we began our adventure with the girls.  the first task at hand was to create a sleeping sanctuary.  we needed blankets, clips, safety pins, fabric strips and a whole lot of imagination.

before (in our eating area)

and after with the tent top

we created a doorway with a mop handle across two chairs and fabric strips for the curtain

 and voila!  heaven!

 we worked on canvasses where I had them go wild with paint

and their finished pieces...

 with the leftover paint we created pages which were then made into books

we had one more canvas and decided to do a collaboration of fingerprints

 we had a break and sang "oh canada" with our fingers

 we made portrait pillows.

my oldest niece filled the back of her pillow with words.  awesome!

I had to run off as they sent mom to the hospital and while I was gone the girls went for a walk with their uncle.  I asked them to pick up some interesting items for another art project.  we used black and white paints and only the items they collected to make some marks.  it was a beautiful day and so we set up our studio on the porch.

 although the weekend was difficult because my mind was on my mom.  she is very, very sick.  she was not communicating and very dehydrated.  they ended up admitting her into the hospital and with medical intervention she has improved slightly, but is still struggling.  I have so many decisions to make regarding her care and feel very lost and helpless at times.  having the girls here this weekend was good therapy for me.  we created many art projects which is always healthy for me.  they made me laugh when I asked them to tell me stories about their twig and grass head.  I had a wonderful conversation with the oldest with regards to being a girl and how important it is to surround yourself with people who lift you up.  they are the brightest, most talented girls with so much love and patience.

this is the piece I made on the weekend.  a reminder for me that although times are rougher than rough I can still find moments filled with joy.