look into the light

some days are hard.  we can all relate to that.  some days I feel helpless and empty.  I love that the sun is beginning to shine more and more.  I thrive in the sunshine.  some days I feel like my life is so dark and I am stumbling around trying to find a match to light the candle that will lead the way.

and as the flame begins to flicker I use it to guide me to the good things.  I try with all my might to find the positive in each moment.  I listen to others who have been where I am and hear the concern in their voice.  they know what is to come.  they lived it.  they fear for me.

the thing is that when mom was sent to the hospital and I thought that this was it for her, I was not afraid.  I was calm and kept two things in mind.  make sure she knows that she is loved and she is not alone.  I kept caressing her forehead.  I talked to her about what was going on and what they were doing to her and why.  I talked to her about pain.  I didn't want her to feel any pain.  I held her hand and told her I loved her.  she was having trouble forming her words.  her tongue would move and her mouth would try to make the shapes but all that came out was a babble similar to a baby cooing.  oh mama.  you could tell she was frustrated.  she had something to tell me.  I leaned in close to try and hear her and understand her better and made out the words "hurry up".  what?  was she saying "hurry up people and figure this out"  or "hurry up god and take me now"?

the day before she went to the hospital she told me that maybe it was her time to go.  I asked that she hang on till monday when dan returns and then she could do whatever she wanted.  oh I felt awful trying to bargain with her when she was so sick.  why was I asking her to hang on?  I think I felt that she would be more at peace if she had one last chance to see dan.  I think I felt that dan deserved to see her alive and tell her he loved her one last time.  well mom made it to monday and was able to see dan and for dan to see her.

she lays in the hospital fighting the infection.  at least I think she is fighting.  she looks good.  I mean pretty good for someone who is so sick.  we had a good visit today.  dad and I and her.  the three of us.  just like it was all those years.  we loved her.  we fed her.  we comforted her.  we made her laugh.  I don't know what is going to happen from here.  nobody does.  she is hanging on and so am I.  hanging on and hanging in.  just make it through today.

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