mom before I came along
on saturday I was going to post about how I was not looking forward to mother's day. this year just seemed to be all planned out in ways that made me unhappy, frustrated and just wanting to skip the day. I pity partied my way through the week and trying to remind myself that I am pretty darn lucky when it comes to the "life of your dreams" department. buck up girl! I arranged flowers in vases that I was I letting go of and delivered them to my friends & neighbours. I made new curtains for the garage that I am leaving behind cause gosh darnit the new home owner mom deserved a good mother's day too!
and so the week went on and I kept struggling with how I was going to put on a happy face and get through it. what would I get my mom for mother's day when she has been using me for a punching bag lately. her words take me from 0 - 60 in 2.5 seconds and right back to being a child and how I could never do anything right. the constant comparisons, reminders of what a failure I was and how fat I was. I was never able to live up to her expectations and I believe I never will. I have to be at peace with that. that and the fact that the words "I love you" and "I am proud of you" never crossed her lips and probably never will. I often wonder why I was never enough. she often told me that she didn't want me to get a swelled head and that is why she never praised me. even now it is difficult to forget the words - your so stupid, why did you think that you could do that, that would look good on you, but you are too fat and my all time favourite - no one will want you with a child. thanks mom. thank you for ALL of it. you did the best you could with what you knew and what you had.
I say thank you because all of it has taught me valuable lessons. the most important one being that my child will know that he is loved. he will be reminded of how amazing he is and how proud I am of him. he will never be made to feel less than from me. I hope I was able to do that. I look into his eyes and I think how could you not love your child to pieces no matter what? he is a part of me and that in itself would prevent me from telling him he is not good enough or deserving. the scariest part of it all is that I don't even think she realizes she does it. it is second nature to her - like brushing her teeth every morning. agh!
in any case I did find her what I thought was the perfect mother's day gift. a new purse. her purse is looking pretty ratty and I think I found one that would work for her. then came the card. I always have trouble finding a card for her. I just want one of those "simply stated" cards. flowers on the front and happy mother's day inside. unfortunately they are few and far between and so I turned to martha. surely martha would have a simple card that I could whip up to accompany the fab bag. so I followed the directions for the pop up card. I was having fun. I was thinking about how cool it would be when she opened the card and "voila" flowers popping out at her. I really do love my mom and I do these things to remind her of how much I love her. it is never about the reaction for me (that I could write a script for), but the action. I do the best I can and if it is not enough then so be it. I love her anyways.
so the card flopped and fizzled and martha had me swearing up a blue streak and throwing flowers all over the place. I am convinced that martha never even assembled the card. her little elves did all the work. oh my I had paper stuck to everything and there was nothing popping out of that card except for a white flag. I surrender!
and so the next morning my amazing husband (who yes did want me despite the child) said he would help. ha! he wasn't actually wanting to help make a card. he wanted to help me get through the day and he wanted me to smile while doing it. so we watched the video again and cut new flowers and followed the step by step (I know people it is a simple frickin' craft) and voila! pop up heaven simply stated mother's day card - CHECK!
so we head off for brunch and much to my delight mimosa's where the drink of the day. hook me up! oh yeah - empty stomach non drinking girl needed that extra medication to get through brunch. mom turns to me and hands me a flower made out of tissue paper. "I made this for you at st. joe's". well strike a match and light a fire cause I am gonna burn in hell! I wonder how many times it took her?
more pics of mom and the handmade flower
I make it through lunch thanks to the mimosa and my son by my side. he held my plate while we cruised the buffet with mama and her walker. so patient, so supportive and all he needed to do was look at me and I felt so loved. the pop up card popped and the purse looked like it might find a new home. all's well and chocolate dipped cream puffs made the ending sweet!
we are leaving the restaurant and making our way back to the car. dan asks if I would walk him to his car. WTH? who is going to walk me to my car? yeah, well, I walk to his car and he says "I know this isn't wrapped, but...here ya go ma". and hands me this:
grab a boat cause there was flood of tears. "ma don't cry". my precious child. my reason for breathing ( I am crying as I write this) took the time to record a cd for me. he knows how much I love listening to him play his guitar and sing. he knows how much I miss not having that around now that he is all grown up and out on his own. I listened to it on the way home and bawling my eyes out till I met him at the house. his voice singing, fingers strumming and new found recording skills blew me away. he has done wonderful and amazing things with this talent of his. wrapped my arms around him for hugs, tears, kisses and I love you. mother's day was perfect!