the seasons of change are in full swing at the beach home. the air is crisp and during my morning walk with the pups my feet were cold. it is time to start thinking about socks - yuck! I am trying to soak up the last few days of warmth. the summer went by in a flash and was filled with so much change. I guess I foolishly believed that once we were "settled" that things would start to slow down and we would fall into a new routine. ah, but life has a way of keeping you on your toes and challenging you at every turn, turn, turn.
I started the day off slow. I've been rushing around far too much. some days I feel like a robot. I go through the motions and when I finally get that tiny bit of time I quickly fill it up. what was it like to have those moments of calm, quiet and thought? so this morning I chose to give it to myself. ease slowly into the day. no rush. everything will still be there when I get there, when I get to it, when I fix it. a hot bowl of oatmeal, fresh air and the beautiful colour filled sky are mine to savour before I need to put myself together and face the day.
I shared last night with a group of creatives. it was wonderful to sit and brain storm. to hug and laugh. to eat good food at a snails pace if you wish. I felt the little flutter in my belly. that fire that has been burning low. the warmth starting to get me going. was this just what I needed to get into the studio and start playing again? I am holding it close to my heart and although there is a part of me that wants to plan for time and gather supplies and start sketching ideas there is the other part of me that says "let it go". it will come. it will happen.
how do we release into it? how do we let go of the control we SO seem to WANT? how do we accept that it will happen? - IT WILL!
I am having the same thoughts and feelings for my mom. after an exhausting weekend of trying to get her to eat and drink and her not sleeping and watching my dad fall apart in front of my eyes it was decided to take her back to the hospital. she is now awaiting placement in long term care.
as I write that last sentence tears come to my eyes. what will become of our family? will the changes be good. I have to believe that we have made the right decision although it all seems so final.
I have no idea what is to come. I am asking as many questions as possible. I am being patient with mom's repeated requests of water and ice. I scoop up the thick juice and ask her to please take it. I don't know how much of it she understands. a maze of doctors, nurses and therapists with questions, concerns and care plans. I feel this responsibility to take care of her, protect her, fight for her. were these same feelings present in her when I was a child? I struggle to let go and let it happen.
I look into the mirror and remind myself that I need to take care of me too. I need to protect myself and fight for myself. it is like stepping into a new role. so many changes and while in the centre of this whirlwind I am grateful for these quiet moments where the only thing that is changing is my foot position on the stool.