thank you tuesday...

Stand By Me | Playing For Change | Song Around The World from Concord Music Group on Vimeo.

this song brought me to tears today. back from a visit with mom. she is back in the hospital. she fell again and hit her head and now they are trying to get the inflammation down and take care of the pain. tests and more tests. change of meds.

I go and visit her everyday. I think if I miss a day and something happens I would feel awful. she is so confused right now that she doesn't remember who visits her. then she will have a memory and it is like she is back. I am not sure if it is the fall that caused this recent confusion or if her dementia is setting in. I do know that I am scared. I just want to make it all better for her. I bring her flowers to brighten her room. she always said fresh flowers are a waste of money - they die. I brought her a piece of black forest cake - one of her favourites. she couldn't see it. she took her spoon down to the cake and missed it completely. I wanted to cry right then and there. I wanted to yell at her - MOM!!!! the cake is right in front of you. stop this! get it together! come back! I don't think I could bear going to visit her and her not know who I am. to have her reach out for me and not know me? so much of her is gone. studies say she may also lose her speech, her sight and her ability to swallow. I spoon fed her the cake. I swallowed hard as I choked back the tears. it kills me to see her slowly fade away...

I have no idea what the future holds for her, for us, for anyone, but today I am thankful. I am thankful that she is still here. I am thankful that my dad is getting a break. I am thankful for my amazing husband who is trying so hard to take some of my stress away. I am thankful for my wonderful son who with his hugs, his smile and his beautiful music makes me want to be here. I am thankful for all my family and friends who each in their own special way know just what to say and do. it is a hard day, but it will not be my last day. I am not alone with all of these people standing by me...

2 comments:

Jenn said...

Nadia- I know I probably don't have the right words to help. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and your family. I just wish there was some kind of cure to make everything better. I am giving you a big hug right now cause sometimes that's all we need.

madonnart said...

Nadia, dear friend, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. This is such a difficult time for all of you, made better by the love and generous giving spirit you bless Maria with every day you are with her.She may seem unaware of what you are saying and often who you are but she is comforted and feels safe by your love and caring.love you sweet girl...