letters to my loved ones...

dear sparky,

I remember the day you came into our lives. you came from someone who no longer wanted you and we welcomed that cute face into our family. since then you have been quite the character. you have never failed to amuse us with your unique personality. you are now 14 years old and I understand that your kidneys are failing and you have cushings disease. I feel awful that I have to drag you outside to do your thing when all you want to do is eat and sleep. I hate to ask but am wondering if you could perhaps be patient with me and give me a nudge when you need to go outside. sometimes I miss the signs and then I end up yelling at you. I'm sorry for that and I will try to be a bit more on the ball.

dear joey,

the day I found the ad on the internet and wondered about this faceless puppy who somebody abandoned. I had to meet you and as you ran into my arms I knew it was meant to be. you are loved for being so cute it's disgusting and your puppy kisses always make me feel loved. thank you for being a snuggler and for sticking close to my side. thank you for waiting patiently for sparky as we take one more walk around the block for him to find the perfect spot. you love everybody and you are always happy. please never change.

dear mom,

who would have thought that you would end up with a rare disease. one that there is little information about and no treatment. you always took care of everyone. you always helped out whenever someone needed something. please forgive me for not being able to take care of you as I should. I feel awful for not moving in and running the house as you once did. I can't. I won't and I need that to be okay. please see that dad is doing the best he can. he is doing things I never thought I would see him do. he is an amazing man and he deserves to be taken care of too. please love us no matter what.

dear dad,

how do you do it? why do you do it? you have nothing to prove. you are amazing just as you are and always were and will be. there is no need to break yourself down in order to prove your love. you can let go and it will be okay. no one will love you less or think that you are weak. please I'm begging you, you need to take care of yourself. you deserve to live while you live. I love you and will never meet a man who loves as deeply as you do.

dear family,

I'm sorry for not being the happy go lucky spirit that you wish for me. I have no idea how to juggle all these balls. I appreciate all your love and support. I only wish that I too give you the same. I know that sometimes all I want is for you to listen and all you want is to fix things. some things cannot be fixed. some things can not go away. the reality is that I have things that I need to take care of and I am unable to do so without the occasional breakdown. thank you for being there to love me despite all of this. thank you for holding me and being silent. sometimes all I need is a hug. you may never know how much I love you - forever, no matter what and MORE.

dear friends,

I so wish I could find the words to express how much it means to me to pick up the phone and have you take care of it for me. no questions, no judgement - done. thank you for the texts that happen at just the right moment when I needed a reminder that I am worthy and I can do anything! thank you for the e-mails that remind me to take care of myself first. thank you for the laughter and for listening to me time and time again as I have yet another pity party. thank you for the hugs, the love and the surprises in the mailbox. nothing is better than a getting a gift when it's not even your birthday! you are a treasure in my life!

dear universe,

"Stunning rebounds, life altering transformations, and miracles of every shape and size, all follow a fairly simple 2-step formula. First, there must be a connection made in the unseen. Second, there must be a leap in the physical."

what does this mean? this unseen connection? what's that? a leap in the physical? are you serious? will my body jump up and ram into something thus connecting? please dear universe the last thing I need right now is flying through the windshield and connecting with a tree. life altering transformations? wtf?

sincerely,

yours truly,

nadia