sometimes I forget that I am okay as is

so excited for my trip! 9 more sleeps and I will be on my way home - italia here I come!

oh it was all so exciting until I started packing. then I started getting cranky. was it the clothes? was it the thought of people seeing me after 27 years and thinking "gosh, she looks SO old"? is it a fear of looking worse then when I left 27 years ago?

I ended up in a puddle of tears. oh yay, pity party for one please! WHAT THE HELL????

when I lived in italy I loved myself. I was comfortable in my skin. I had people in my circle who loved me as was. there was no "do I look fat in this?" or "I look frumpy" or my hair looks like crap!" or "these shoes will never do!". there were no doubts. and so now that I am, ahem, more mature, why oh why am I having these awful thoughts?

the more I think about it the more I realize how silly it is. I am excited to see my family and friends. I am over the moon at the thought of hugging my aunt after all these years. sharing a laugh with my friends who called me "sis". seeing my old boyfriend and tasting his wonderful wine. driving down the same road that I would take to see my grandma. having my son see where it all began so many years ago. the markets, the cobblestone streets, the pizza to die for, gelato flavors galore, good food, great wine, amazing memories, new and old.

I am excited about all of this and then I cringe at the thought of how quickly it will pass and I want to treasure every single second. I so look forward to sitting and listening, watching and wondering. what have they done since I left? how have they lived? and those that have passed? I want to go see them too.

I want to leave without guilt. without fear of something awful happening while I am away. drop the worries on the doorstep as I leave. leave the pity party that really sucked ass! grab my bag and fly away...