be yourself, create art, everyday

love, love, love

2012-02-14T08:15:00.001-08:00

2012-01-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

you can shed tears that she is gone

or you can smile because she has lived.

you can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

your heart can be empty because you can't see her

or you can be full of the love that you shared.

you can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

you can remember her and only that she's gone

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

you can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she'd want;

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

-david harkins

2012-01-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

sit down,

where were you when you knew?

listen,

the loud roar of the truth.

weep,

tears falling. drenching you in disbelief.

hope,

hanging on to the tiny thread of faith.

fear,

harder and harder to catch your breath.

love,

all that was and forever will be.

well hello 2012!

2012-01-03T19:14:00.000-08:00

so we are three days in and already you've made an ass of yourself. seriously? I was ready to bid a fond farewell to 2011. I was thinking about all the crap that happened in 2011 and then I stopped myself. I tried to be positive. think of the wonderful things that happened in 2011. I was able to reconnect with family and friends. I met some friends in the flesh who I dreamed of someday meeting. I took the time to make some art. taught some workshops. took some workshops. formed a circle of new friends. sold a house and moved into our dream home. survived living with my parents for two weeks in between. ate cupcakes and drank really good coffee. got rid of the old and bought new. did enough diy's to write a book. ate the best fish tacos ever. participated in a sweat lodge ceremony. saw my son take his first big step towards his big dream. had a massage on the beach. attended jann arden's book signing and witnessed my husband gushing. was fortunate enough to attend two kids christmas concerts. oh it was awesome!

sure there was the shit in between, but I was willing to let that go. so willing was I or apparently ready to let it go like that old tattered shirt you just couldn't bear to throw away that I felt the release when it happened. it was surreal. unlike anything I have ever felt. kind of like those evangelists on tv who smack you on the forehead and say "you are cured". yeah, like that. I felt the release and thought THAT should be my word for the year, "release". so I am strutting my stuff and all ready to bring it in 2012. 2012 how do you do? nice to meet ya. sit a spell and let's chat, k?

the good stuff is this...

the "idea porch" as I like to call it told me to do a vision board. oh, I've done them before and everybody is talking about making them for the year except this time it said to invite the man to do it with me. hmmm...so I gave him the spiel about buying the magazines, big canvas, rip and tear, glue and write and he was all in like when you push your chips to the middle of the poker table. oh my!

we started by hunting for magazines. what kind he said? any kind! how many he said? at least three. within a few minutes he was done. I was still hunting for the perfect magazines to rip and tear and also reading some very interesting articles. I needed to catch up before I lost him.

and so with gabrielle roth playing in the background we started our rip and tear fest. a few images, a few words and then we talked about why we picked what we picked. we wrote down some of our thoughts for 2012 and then began gluing it down. I was the one gushing now for he willingly participated and was a rockstar! the whole process of picking the images, the words and then the placement is kind of like sowing the seeds in a garden. you decide what you are going to grow, plant the seeds and watch them sprout. we were both very excited about the sprouting. go on sprout forth dreams, goals and wishes!

and then it happened. like any other time you are busy making plans. life whams you in the face with a frying pan and says "hey, wait a sec, ok?" WTF? no, no, no!

it's gone. done. auld lang syne and all that jazz. adios 2011 and hola 2012!

yeah, well not so fast batman. mom has fallen twice in the last four days and nearly choked to death on a piece of melon. ya, that kinda sucks 2012. no thank you, ok? no more, ok? not so fast sista! how about we take one of your own, precious to you and have them began a battle for their life. how's that? fuck you 2012!

twas the night before christmas...

2011-12-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

and all through the house we were comparing notes on what actually happened at mass...

perhaps I should begin with the day. dan is 21 now and being a child of divorce has spent most of his life going back and forth between mom's house and dad's house. we rotate christmas's and this year because of mom's new living arrangement wanted to carve out some christmas time together.

we decided that we would have christmas lunch today and share some time together and try to make the best of our "new" christmas tradition.

it all started out fine or so it seemed. dan arrived and we gave him the coles notes version of our holiday. we discussed his move to san francisco and then mom and dad arrived for lunch.

we thought it would be a nice surprise if we called her sister in italy. she hasn't spoken to her since september because of being in the hospital and then the home so wouldn't that be lovely? well, it was and of course there were a few tears. I can only imagine what it would be like to speak to your sister half way around the world and know that you would never see her again. the next call was to dad's brother and again more tears, but it was wonderful to speak him and then it was time for lunch.

all went well and then dan had to leave to join his dad for their family festivities. we talked about our trip and laughed about our spanish classes. had coffee and dessert. I could feel that elephant in the room. I knew it was coming and I wanted to scream just talk about it already! and then it came. why can't I go home for three days? she started to cry. shots were fired at my dad about not wanting her anymore and the doctors didn't say that she couldn't go home. we are all liars. oh my, dad got upset and headed for the porch for a smoke. I tried to tell her - again, dad cannot take care of you by himself mom. we have today and tomorrow we are having lunch again. please be happy with what we have. and then she just wanted to go to bed. so bed she did while the three of us vented about our worries and woes. it was all just so upsetting. I should add that I started the day off with a migraine and a stomach ache and it wasn't looking good, but I knew I had to make to mass.

so off the family went for mass and when we arrived the only seats left were in the back of the church. my parents have always sat five pews back since I can remember. change is bad for them, but we made the best of it. the mass began and half was in english and half was in italian. I had trouble distinguishing which was which because father had such a strong accent. I tried to keep up, but then I caught sight of a pamphlet talking about revisions. WTF? revisions? they went and changed things up on us since last christmas. I began cramming. then the choir started up and man we were certain that the leader was a last minute fill in cause he was so off key that everyone was rolling their eyes. being the good catholics that we are we felt that we needed to pick up the slack and so we started singing at the top of our lungs. some in english and some in italian of course. now I am no celine dion but I took one for the team. when it was english michael was the soloist and italian I was it. one lady almost snapped her neck to look back and see what the hell was going on. hey lady have you not noticed that the guy sucks? it is god's will that we make this singing as pretty as possible. your welcome.

during the homily there was something about "don't be a fired" which we interpreted as "don't be afraid", but don't be fired was funnier. then something about the sin of abortion at which point I look at michael and say "huh?" and this child was saved. saved? wasn't he a miracle or something? it was a good thing, right? why are you tainting poor mary who had nothing to do with it apparently? she was just the chosen one. then something about her and joseph never having marital relations. uh, ya, it was immaculate conception, right? where did they find this guy? I was beginning to think he was a last minute fill in as well. then there was the part about the diapers being given the children. what? then all of the sudden in the most inappropriate part we were on our knees. this caused such a commotion that the kneeling bench came crashing down on michael's injured toe and then all of the sudden we were standing again. I grabbed the revision booklet to check if that was in there. boy were we busy! stand up, sit down, sing, pray, hold mom up, calm dad down, share a giggle and then mom decided to tell me a story right in the middle of it all. ya, so yesterday at the home they had a mass, but it was a different...hey ma? kind of in the middle of mass right now could we file that thought for later? then it came time to leave and mom says don't forget the bulletin. well, father was parked right in front of the bulletin table so what the heck I shook his hand and wished him a merry christmas. had time allowed I would have probably said something along the lines of "father I really didn't understand mass at all tonight" but I was hoping that there would be a summary in the bulletin or something.

so that's our crazy night before christmas. stockings are hung by the chimney with care waiting for santa to fill them. milk and cookies (shit) toast will be out for him. we wish you all a merry christmas and a good night.

foggy to-do's lead to great ideas

2011-12-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

I could do this tree!

love this idea for hanging art:

there may not be a lot of decorating at our home this year, but I am still inspired by some wonderful ideas out there. might do the wreath as a christmas card display.

photo by victor schrager

this looks like fun!

one more...

great idea for hanging pictures, artwork or how about recipes in a kitchen? oh the possibilities! just wasting time. avoiding my to-do's today! how about you? what is inspiring you lately?

a little bit of this and that

2011-12-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

yes please, yum!

love this idea!

want to do this?

must share this!

listening to this...

and working on this:

how you doin'?

2011-12-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy. There's nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you 
in time - It's easy.

2011-12-06T08:34:00.001-08:00

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy & keep choosing it every day. - Henri Nouwen

live while you live

2011-10-19T07:46:00.001-07:00

long, long ago in a house far away from here I began this canvas. It is huge! 30" x 40". I started out one day by collaging papers onto the surface and then it sat. there were other things to be done.

before we moved I hit it with some gesso and there it sat. a few weeks later and I applied the yellow and there it sat. it is a piece that has pulled me in and the patience that I had with this piece is unlike any I've had before. I don't know why. then I found the words and scribbled them on some scrap paper. over and over they repeated themselves to me.

my son turned 21 a few months ago and we had a conversation about life and dreams. I love these talks. we can go for hours discussing dreams, plans and out of this world desires. as he revealed some of his goals to me I found myself listening to him and hearing myself. it was surreal. he is so excited about life and exploring the world and sharing his music. I adore that drive, but what it lacked was the next step. take the next step. jump in! go for it! do it! OMG! I was talking to myself! I was gobsmacked as they say.

this conversation stuck with me and I even talked to others about how it seemed like I was giving him the nudge to move forward with no fear and yet here I was feet firmly planted in the ground. I talked the talk well enough, but I needed to start walking the walk.

he inspired me to try something that I have put on the back burner for quite awhile. a couple of days after our conversation I walked the walk right into moksha yoga. I signed up for the 30 day challenge.

what have I done?

you signed up for the 30 day challenge...

yes, but what if I can't do it?

you can and you will...

but what if I miss a day?

you will try to not do that...

and so it began. of course, as they, say when you are busy making plans god laughs. mom ended up in the hospital and so the challenge was really on.

and that was over 30 days ago. I missed one day. the day that we readmitted mom to the hospital was the only day I missed. to make up for the missed day I did two yoga classes in one day. thus completing 30 classes in 30 days and I am still going strong.

throughout the 30 days things kept getting thrown at me. oh here, take this! lie down on the mat and breathe. wham, dog gets sick. breathe. a friend's sister dies suddenly. return to the breath. and so on and so on. I took each unexpected thing thrown at me and decided that my self care was SO important right now and my example of completing a goal till the end was something that I needed to prove to myself and show my son. there were many times in class when the instructor would say focus on something that will guide you today. I focused on my son. he guided me. he believed in me like I believed in him and now I needed to start believing in myself.

with all that has been thrown at me lately I have come to love these words "live while you live". to me it means that you should just do it. why wait? so as I plow forward trying to find balance in the chaos I know that I have done what I thought was impossible. I proved it to myself that I could step forward and keep on going. sure, sure there will be times when I step back. I am still cautious and there are still those voices telling me that I can't, but the drive to try is bigger now. I've learned patience and I've felt calm and I am determined to find out what else is out there waiting for me.

my oh my mama

2011-10-17T10:28:00.001-07:00

this pic of mom from last night after we laughed, smiled and talked about what is to come. she is aware now that she is not going home. she is not happy about that and I believe that she still thinks that if she can walk better and eat regular food that she could still go home.

we delayed our trip yesterday until the errands were done. sometimes I feel like I am rushing out of there to get to where I need to go next so it was a great change of pace. she was in bed when we got there and ready to get up and go for a walk.

she started to tell us how the next door neighbour brought dad a cherry pie and how she loves pie. what is your favourite pie mom? oh, any pie! she used to make pies and would give us each a piece and pretty much polish off the rest herself. she has a sweet tooth and I am not sure that the "thick diet" includes much sweets.

so we are working at getting her out of the bed, house coat on, shoes on when I said would you like me to bring you some pie? would you like that mom? her response? fucking right! oh yeah! well we howled and finally got her out of bed. and it didn't end there. she kept on talking about how she wanted to see the doctor and ask for a day pass. your father, she said, is not attending mass without me and I need to make sure he goes to church. maybe I could call the home care office and see if there was someone that could take care of her at home? oh but don't call that home care worker cause she is a liar! oh my!

we made our way back to the unit and her supper had arrived so we fed her in the common area. a bit brighter and more room for all. she had a lovely dish of mushed turkey, mashed potatoes and minced peas and carrots with gravy. every spoon I filled for her I swallowed hard. oh I just barely kept it together. trying to make it SO appetizing for her. there is cranberry sauce mom! wanna try some of that on your turkey? bluck! tastes like jam she says. why would you put jam on your turkey. oh I said just a little bit of sweetness. no, no, no she said waving her arms around. how about some of this yummy rice pudding? a couple of spoons of that and then some thickened water to wash it down. oh my she looked just as disgusted as I felt. she barely ate a thing, but then when she was done I started to entertain her with my walker skills.

I used the walker as a seat to feed her and boy that thing has some power! I shuffled to one side of the hall and then back over to her where I twirled and smiled as I passed her. she laughed. what the hell are you doing she said? you are going to hurt yourself! well, if I do I am in the right place, right mom? and so I continued on back and forth zooming and twirling and making her laugh.

pretty soon she was tired and ready to get back to bed. she's hanging in there and I think that she is having more good days than bad. it's not the best of times right now, but we need to get through it. one day at a time and if laughing, smiling and swearing are gonna get us there then so be it!

an art filled challenge

2011-10-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

there is no secret about the challenges that I have had in my life over the last little while, so when I attended our edmonton calligraphic society meeting in september and an art challenge was offered I went for it. I love challenges! we were offered a black garbage bag full of unknown items for two bucks. the deal was that in october we return with something made using the items in the bag. if you completed the challenge your name was put in a draw for fifty bucks!

my bag contained some very unique items and after a bit of swearing and regret I dove in. I started decorating some of the papers and just played. no thought or plan at the moment. as I went on I had several ideas. make a book? a torso? a purse? what the hell is a daruma? and then it hit me! pizza! I used the pizza box as my base and covered it in all the papers that I had decorated. tear, rip, glue, smear - again just playing. I ended up cutting a niche the size of the small box I had in the bag and inserted it so that the dolls would have a resting place. splattered some paint and smeared some gold lumiere paint and painted the sides and inside of the niche black. calligraphed the word "daruma" and layered some red, gold and black papers and ta da! done!

or so I thought cause I still had all of this left over:

and I couldn't throw it out! and I needed to release some frustration. and so the art therapy session began. there was a big sheet of paper in the bag and so I used it as my base. collage both sides. again rip, tear and glue - just play!

then I smeared some gesso on and cut the paper into strips. added paint, glitter and whatever else I pulled out of the drawer.

then I cut them into postcard size and rounded the corners. I still had the darn lid from the box so I turned that into a vessel to hold the cards.

and here is an example of what I did with one of the postcards.

great for an unexpected treat in the mail or birthday wishes.

so although I had NO time to play in the studio lately this was a wonderful opportunity to create and it was very therapeutic as well. confirming once again that art saves! it saved me tons in therapy and drugs! it was also wonderful to see all the different things that the other participants came up with.

this would be a great challenge for a group or even a mail swap. and a good way to get rid of all that unused stuff that is just sitting in your studio!

change of seasons

2011-09-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

the seasons of change are in full swing at the beach home. the air is crisp and during my morning walk with the pups my feet were cold. it is time to start thinking about socks - yuck! I am trying to soak up the last few days of warmth. the summer went by in a flash and was filled with so much change. I guess I foolishly believed that once we were "settled" that things would start to slow down and we would fall into a new routine. ah, but life has a way of keeping you on your toes and challenging you at every turn, turn, turn.

I started the day off slow. I've been rushing around far too much. some days I feel like a robot. I go through the motions and when I finally get that tiny bit of time I quickly fill it up. what was it like to have those moments of calm, quiet and thought? so this morning I chose to give it to myself. ease slowly into the day. no rush. everything will still be there when I get there, when I get to it, when I fix it. a hot bowl of oatmeal, fresh air and the beautiful colour filled sky are mine to savour before I need to put myself together and face the day.

I shared last night with a group of creatives. it was wonderful to sit and brain storm. to hug and laugh. to eat good food at a snails pace if you wish. I felt the little flutter in my belly. that fire that has been burning low. the warmth starting to get me going. was this just what I needed to get into the studio and start playing again? I am holding it close to my heart and although there is a part of me that wants to plan for time and gather supplies and start sketching ideas there is the other part of me that says "let it go". it will come. it will happen.

how do we release into it? how do we let go of the control we SO seem to WANT? how do we accept that it will happen? - IT WILL!

I am having the same thoughts and feelings for my mom. after an exhausting weekend of trying to get her to eat and drink and her not sleeping and watching my dad fall apart in front of my eyes it was decided to take her back to the hospital. she is now awaiting placement in long term care.

as I write that last sentence tears come to my eyes. what will become of our family? will the changes be good. I have to believe that we have made the right decision although it all seems so final.

I have no idea what is to come. I am asking as many questions as possible. I am being patient with mom's repeated requests of water and ice. I scoop up the thick juice and ask her to please take it. I don't know how much of it she understands. a maze of doctors, nurses and therapists with questions, concerns and care plans. I feel this responsibility to take care of her, protect her, fight for her. were these same feelings present in her when I was a child? I struggle to let go and let it happen.

I look into the mirror and remind myself that I need to take care of me too. I need to protect myself and fight for myself. it is like stepping into a new role. so many changes and while in the centre of this whirlwind I am grateful for these quiet moments where the only thing that is changing is my foot position on the stool.

might as well be mayonnaise in a tube...

2011-09-23T14:34:00.001-07:00

after all these years of trying diet after diet to reduce my junk in the trunk I think I finally found THE DIET to end all diets. I'm pretty sure I nailed it and I look forward to seeing you all at the book signing.

ok, let's get serious here shall we? get your pencils out and take some notes! first you have your mother sent home from the hospital against your will. she is put on a "thick" diet which means everything she eats needs to have a pudding like consistency to it. second you team that up with a fragile father (got one of those?). third you tie it all up in a bow and voila you have three very unhappy italians.

the first italian being the mama who could eat an elephant under the table. this woman has always had a roaring appetite, lick the plate clean syndrome and no leftovers policy. she adds mayonnaise to everything! green beans, eggs, potatoes, and has a funny story of craving it when she was pregnant with me. of course she has nothing to show for it! she has never had a weight problem and was quick to point that out to me on several occasions (refer back to the first sentence). now she can only have minced mountains of food and thick liquids. yup! water, coffee and tea all need to be thickened.

second italian being my father who was convinced that he could take her home and do it all! he loves this woman to pieces and the mere thought of dropping her off at a nursing home shames him. he is not that savvy in the kitchen. he likes kinchucky (his words not mine) fried chicken and caesars pizza as a quick meal. for breakfast he stands at the kitchen sink with knife in hand cutting bread, salami and cheese and having a few quick bites before she beckons for him. late last night he admitted that he could not do this anymore. hallelujah!

third italian being me. I agreed with the doctors and wanted her relocated, but my parents declined. it is what it is and we need to get through this. I am a vegetarian and the sight, smell, touch and taste of meat makes my stomach twirl. come to think of it many things make my stomach twirl. heavy perfume, dog puke and changing a babies diapers to name a few.

and so I depart this morning with starbucks and vita mix in hand determined to make my parents life easier. what in the hell was I thinking? we started off with rice a roni - the san francisco treat! it was in the cupboard and seemed like something that would have some taste to it. pair that with some lovely pureed green beans and I was still holding down the chai. then the canned salmon was opened and ooohh little throw up in my mouth. then the ragu with pasta. still okay, but then the chicken was cooking in the pan and the salmon was sitting on the counter and the green beans looked like something that came out of my dogs butt the other day and the rice a roni was cooling. too many smells! dad dug into the pasta. good thing cause he probably skipped his kitchen sink breakfast this morning. mom was up and starving for food and attention so I served her up some salmon, rice a roni and green beans. looked good enough? then she yelled for water. I mixed her up some thick water. she said we were trying to kill her. she told us the doctors were crazy. I started spoon feeding her to get some of it into her and because it also had her meds crushed up in in it. she yelled "vaffanculo". do I need to translate? my mother sat there and had the balls to tell me to fuck off.

I was done. I went outside and took a few breaths and then I started laughing. I had to keep it together cause I know that inside my father was trying his best to calm her down and explain to her that we are not trying to kill her. yay for me that I can add that to the memories of my mother. I knew that someday soon it was coming, but I never thought she would actually say it to my face. so I go back inside and tell her that this is what the doctors ordered. she can have thick water or she can have nothing. she started with the hand wave and you guys are all crazy and I just want a sip of water for christ's sake! broke my heart. we gave her about a tablespoon in a glass and told her to savour it cause that's all she was getting. and so the stomach turns...

I should have offered her some mayonnaise. it does have a pudding like consistency to it!

letters to my loved ones...

2011-09-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

dear sparky,

I remember the day you came into our lives. you came from someone who no longer wanted you and we welcomed that cute face into our family. since then you have been quite the character. you have never failed to amuse us with your unique personality. you are now 14 years old and I understand that your kidneys are failing and you have cushings disease. I feel awful that I have to drag you outside to do your thing when all you want to do is eat and sleep. I hate to ask but am wondering if you could perhaps be patient with me and give me a nudge when you need to go outside. sometimes I miss the signs and then I end up yelling at you. I'm sorry for that and I will try to be a bit more on the ball.

dear joey,

the day I found the ad on the internet and wondered about this faceless puppy who somebody abandoned. I had to meet you and as you ran into my arms I knew it was meant to be. you are loved for being so cute it's disgusting and your puppy kisses always make me feel loved. thank you for being a snuggler and for sticking close to my side. thank you for waiting patiently for sparky as we take one more walk around the block for him to find the perfect spot. you love everybody and you are always happy. please never change.

dear mom,

who would have thought that you would end up with a rare disease. one that there is little information about and no treatment. you always took care of everyone. you always helped out whenever someone needed something. please forgive me for not being able to take care of you as I should. I feel awful for not moving in and running the house as you once did. I can't. I won't and I need that to be okay. please see that dad is doing the best he can. he is doing things I never thought I would see him do. he is an amazing man and he deserves to be taken care of too. please love us no matter what.

dear dad,

how do you do it? why do you do it? you have nothing to prove. you are amazing just as you are and always were and will be. there is no need to break yourself down in order to prove your love. you can let go and it will be okay. no one will love you less or think that you are weak. please I'm begging you, you need to take care of yourself. you deserve to live while you live. I love you and will never meet a man who loves as deeply as you do.

dear family,

I'm sorry for not being the happy go lucky spirit that you wish for me. I have no idea how to juggle all these balls. I appreciate all your love and support. I only wish that I too give you the same. I know that sometimes all I want is for you to listen and all you want is to fix things. some things cannot be fixed. some things can not go away. the reality is that I have things that I need to take care of and I am unable to do so without the occasional breakdown. thank you for being there to love me despite all of this. thank you for holding me and being silent. sometimes all I need is a hug. you may never know how much I love you - forever, no matter what and MORE.

dear friends,

I so wish I could find the words to express how much it means to me to pick up the phone and have you take care of it for me. no questions, no judgement - done. thank you for the texts that happen at just the right moment when I needed a reminder that I am worthy and I can do anything! thank you for the e-mails that remind me to take care of myself first. thank you for the laughter and for listening to me time and time again as I have yet another pity party. thank you for the hugs, the love and the surprises in the mailbox. nothing is better than a getting a gift when it's not even your birthday! you are a treasure in my life!

dear universe,

"Stunning rebounds, life altering transformations, and miracles of every shape and size, all follow a fairly simple 2-step formula. First, there must be a connection made in the unseen. Second, there must be a leap in the physical."

what does this mean? this unseen connection? what's that? a leap in the physical? are you serious? will my body jump up and ram into something thus connecting? please dear universe the last thing I need right now is flying through the windshield and connecting with a tree. life altering transformations? wtf?

sincerely,

yours truly,

nadia

thank you tuesday...

2011-09-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

Stand By Me | Playing For Change | Song Around The World from Concord Music Group on Vimeo.

this song brought me to tears today. back from a visit with mom. she is back in the hospital. she fell again and hit her head and now they are trying to get the inflammation down and take care of the pain. tests and more tests. change of meds.

I go and visit her everyday. I think if I miss a day and something happens I would feel awful. she is so confused right now that she doesn't remember who visits her. then she will have a memory and it is like she is back. I am not sure if it is the fall that caused this recent confusion or if her dementia is setting in. I do know that I am scared. I just want to make it all better for her. I bring her flowers to brighten her room. she always said fresh flowers are a waste of money - they die. I brought her a piece of black forest cake - one of her favourites. she couldn't see it. she took her spoon down to the cake and missed it completely. I wanted to cry right then and there. I wanted to yell at her - MOM!!!! the cake is right in front of you. stop this! get it together! come back! I don't think I could bear going to visit her and her not know who I am. to have her reach out for me and not know me? so much of her is gone. studies say she may also lose her speech, her sight and her ability to swallow. I spoon fed her the cake. I swallowed hard as I choked back the tears. it kills me to see her slowly fade away...

I have no idea what the future holds for her, for us, for anyone, but today I am thankful. I am thankful that she is still here. I am thankful that my dad is getting a break. I am thankful for my amazing husband who is trying so hard to take some of my stress away. I am thankful for my wonderful son who with his hugs, his smile and his beautiful music makes me want to be here. I am thankful for all my family and friends who each in their own special way know just what to say and do. it is a hard day, but it will not be my last day. I am not alone with all of these people standing by me...

and we're back!

2011-09-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

a summary of our adventures over the summer...

we packed up our lives and crammed it all into a box. it was hard to believe that all we owned fit in there. we let go of so much old, unused and unsuitable items. I remember thinking that at the end of the day it is just "stuff". we are not defined by what we own. let it go...

we moved in with my parents for two weeks which was both a blessing and a curse. a blessing because we have two dogs and we were able to make ourselves comfortable and help dad out with taking care of mom. a curse because after we left they were heartbroken and I felt pulled into all different directions.

on to our next adventure at what we like to call our "beach home". we have been dreaming about living in a condo for a long time. for over two years we searched, planned and waited and finally our dream came true. we are working on settling in, making it our own and still dealing with touch ups, fix ups and heat! goodness it gets hot in this place!

we headed out of town to celebrate the union of these three. every time I look at this picture I am reminded of our own wedding. walking hand in hand with dan in our arms.

we had adorable visitors stay with us.

we took a plane to reunite with family who I haven't seen in over 20 years. we shared stories, laughter and tears. similar to my italy trip last year I couldn't believe we were together again and loved spending time with them. we met new family, new friends and celebrated another wedding. my heart is full and grateful for each and every one of them.

so if you are in california and you have a friend whom you only know through the internet and she offers to come up and meet you what would you say? HELL YES! after many years of knowing her online I was finally able to give linda a hug in person. she caught my attention after the release of journal revolution. she is real, she is true and not to mention - adorable! she is a great friend and I had so much fun spending the day together doing starbucks, eating tacos and chatting about life and art. love that girl!

and NOW? back in the swing of things or swinging things around. just taking a moment to appreciate this wonderful and glorious life!

the final countdown begins...

2011-06-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

in a week I will say good bye to this house. seems weird. seems like I am going on a vacation and then I'll be back except that I won't be. it feels like I am getting ready for a trip. typically I pack the clothes, the food stuff and the art stuff is always last. I rush to pack my art supplies cause then I have no choice, no time, just chuck it in the bag and go. yesterday was a big day. lots of boxes, bubble wrap, packing tape and coffee. I was a non stop packing machine. I think I was packing so fast so as to justify sneaking in some art. well, part of the packing was happening in the studio and so that is where I am at now.

except that I get inspired and forgot about the packing and decided that I will paint! and so I started to transform these two suitcase type boxes. one had a coat of black on it which will not work for my plan in the new studio. the other one was teal and again not gonna work so how about some sunshine?

and then I had all this leftover paint. yikes! what to do? oh look there is a canvas that had a plan and lost the blueprints and so heck ya get that yellow on there and think about it tomorrow.

I have my to do list for today and all I want to do is slap some modge podge on it, stick it on the canvas and paint over it. I just wanna PLLLLLLAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I will! pretty much part of my daily life. kind of like brushing your teeth.

d.i.y art journal

2011-06-05T18:55:00.001-07:00

I'm at it again! just cannot stop creating! in the midst of packing up the studio I came across a painting, a vision board and some scraps of watercolour paper. what to do? pack it up? throw it out? I cannot bear to waste it. rule #1 - reduce, rule #2 - reuse and rule #3 recycle. in this case I went for reusing. I took the pile and ripped into strips of 8" x 16" pieces. yes, I said ripped. no need to use scissors or exacto knife! I needed to get this done - NOW! I ended up with 12 sheets. I took the sheets and folded them in half. mixed them up a bit and made a stack. I used some binder clips to keep everything from shifting while I sew. then I took my awl and poked three holes for the binding. one at 2", 4" and 6". I cut a piece of bookbinding thread twice the size so 16". then I began the super simple pamphlet stitch binding. from the outside middle hole go in, then go to the bottom hole out, from the outside bottom hole go up to the outside top hole back in and finally from the top hole inside go back out the middle hole. tie a knot and done.

I added an elastic to keep the book closed as I know that as I fill it up it will get bulky. I love how all the pages are mixed up. a bit of the vision board collage, some of the painting and the blank pages.

the plan is to take this journalwith me while we are homeless. yes, homeless. we need to be out of our house(this house) on the 15th and then our new home will not be ready till the 30th. in the meantime and in between time we will be living with my mom and dad. ha! I KNOW that I will need a place to jot down feelings, do some scribbling, drawing and painting.

I am really looking forward to playing in it. in the process of taking pics to share I found out that I had a scrap piece with some calligraphy from a friend. the cut off piece still reads "and blue far away" which I think is awesome! our new wall colour is a beautiful serene blue and it seems like it is so far away from here!

so did I stop? HELL NO! I kept finding more papers and scraps that I couldn't just toss away so I made up some journals to share with you!

each journal is 6 1/2" x 9 1/4" and has 40 pages. the pages are assorted papers and even a black sheet to see how colour works on dark paper! I am off to put them up in the shop! each one will include a collaged postcard personally addressed to you with a reminder to "play everyday!.

DIY pet bed

2011-05-30T18:58:00.001-07:00

I just cannot seem to stop sewing and cannot bear to part with any of my fabric scraps. I love to reuse when possible and so today I came across a couple of old shirts, some jeans and some left over quilt fabric and I was inspired. I figured my puppy needs a new bed for the new home and so off we went. one old shirt...

I cut the squares 4 1/2" x 4 1/2" to allow for seams. some batting which I cut 16" x 18" big enough to cover the kennel floor.

I started sewing my squares together in strips. and then sewed the strips together. I did not pin anything. I am not a professional, just having fun!

I had my top and bottom pieces all sewn and put the quilt batting in between. I did pin this together to try to keep it from shifting around while I sewed it all together.

here is the top after the squares were all sewn together with the batting and back piece.

I needed some binding for the edges and so I grabbed another old shirt and cut 2" strips. I folded these in half and then unfolded and folded the sides to the middle fold. make sense? easy peasy! you can press it if you want. I prefer to just go with it being that time is limited these days.

so if the strips are too short because you used an old shirt just sew the strips together to form a long enough piece to bind the edges!

here is a picture of how I folded the strips to create the binding.

I pinned the binding to the piece all around and mitred the corners. then I sewed all around once with a straight stitch and then again with a zig zag stitch.

pet tested it for approval.

and one last quality control in the kennel and joey gave it his paw of approval. I have more sewing to share because as I have been sorting through it all I have been inspired to create instead of tossing.

on a rainy day...

2011-05-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

this song started playing on i-tunes just as I was putting together this post. how appropriate. awesome! the rain is falling down outside and I am inside continuing on with the sorting, packing and procrastinating.

you know how it is. you open a drawer, a door or a box and "wow" it's christmas! you find all sorts of things that you forgot about. and today was fabric sorting day. and being as how I am feeling all out of sorts and kind of like I could use a soft place to fall. I made myself this:

some left over fabric from a quilt I made for beautiful baby mia. they were already cut into strips so super simple. a piece from an old pair of jeans well worn and loved. "it is ok" is from a t-shirt and I love that statement. no matter how much junk you are dealing with or sorting through it is always a good idea to stop for a bit.

I should mention that I did not use a pattern. grab and sew, chop, sew and away we go. kind of like life for me right now. no method, no set system, just letting go. I love it and it will be a wonderful addition to the new studio!

looking back...

2011-05-20T07:14:00.001-07:00

in sorting through all my documents and pictures I had a few giggles yesterday. this poem about "my dog" from elementary school.

where I erased my name and replaced it with "leslie". I never liked my name. I guess leslie was the pick of the week.

a picture I drew. the part of the drawing where the window peeks into the salon and the hairdresser is doing the ladies hair made me laugh. I guess that I spent a few hours in a salon watching mom get her hair done.

an entry from my diary. today I went to italy - that's it no big deal! lol!

apparently at one time I was questioning my sexuality. proof that switching teams has always been something I have considered.

script from a play I did in drama with my friend joanne. we still keep in touch.

my first "italian" accordion recital. oh yeah baby! this girl studied for eight years. if you were italian you played the accordion or you played soccer. sometimes both. I still have my accordion and in listening to music these days it is making a comeback. you never know! all that training might just pay off someday.

my work experience form from high school. I opted out of working at the bank and chose to work at the grocery store as a cashier. more than likely one of the first of many times I held myself back for fear of failing.

my driver ed card. one of the happiest moments of my life was driving off in my own car. the freedom that gave me had believing that I had it all. the reality was that I couldn't handle it all and was no where near ready to have the responsibility of a vehicle.

peter walsh would tell me to take a picture and discard this. thoughts?

the documents stating that I was in fact italian at least until I was eighteen. this kept me in italy a little while longer. then the choice had to be made whether to accept roberto's proposal and stay in italy or go back to canada. I often wonder what might have been had I married him and built a life in italy. I studied to become an interpreter and I still love translating and helping people communicate with each other.

fast forward over the yucky times. thank goodness there are no photos from those years whew!

and then came the best moment of my life:

this photo needs to go on "worst professional photos ever". what was with the hair? and red? I seldom wear red. must have been feeling spunky with my new do.

yes, believe it or not I was once a power ranger. a proud moment indeed! I think I also have the orange pumpkin from the back wall that danny made that year.

"my mom is funny when she dances"? I like to think I have "fun" when I dance, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. mom is good at making cards. love that he picked that out as one of my assets.

and the next best thing that happened to me. despite mom's statement of no one wanting me with a child I managed to scoop up this gem. he took it all on. me, my son, my parents, the ex and a whole lotto drama wrapped in buckets of love. I still keep in touch with him too.

he wanted to be a scientist and study blood so that he could cure people. adorable!

yes, someone actually let me leave the house with that hair again. I look like a midget in this picture!

his wish list at 17. love that number one was find a girl. and number 10 was spread peace and love.

and so I continue to sort through the pics, the pages and the souvenirs of our past. one thing I know for sure. I wish I would have taken the time to put the pictures into albums. and I always laughed at mom and dad for putting the date on cards. surprisingly it is quite helpful!

I think of the man I met at the hospital the other day who recently lost everything. I listened as he told me the story of evacuating and driving through the fire. all that he has lost and how he has no idea where to start. I told him there was no way I could understand what he was going through, but reminded him that he was alive and so was his family. no one was hurt and no one died and at the end of the day it is all just "stuff".

as I continue sorting and packing up I think of him and all that he has lost. many people have lost a lot. I have come across prayer cards and photos of people and things that are gone forever. little reminders to be thankful for today and all that I have.

2011-05-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

when you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

- patrick overton -

pay it forward...

2011-05-11T11:41:00.001-07:00

just do it! when someone does something nice for you and makes you feel all warm inside - pay it forward! don't ask questions just DO!

so this morning as I woke up to my radio I was hoping for a day without the dizzies. while I worked on getting my ass out of bed I listened to the dj's commenting on folded and stacked towels. seems lovely j'lyn and I share a bit of ocd. so I called the station and chatted with her and gary for a bit. nice chat and a few chuckles later they asked if I would like kid rock or santana tickets to which I replied, santana baby! michael franti is his opening act! how do I know this info? michael and I are facebook buds! hee hee! they asked for my number and said they would be calling me back.

about 15 minutes later the phone rings and it is j'lyn telling me that I won the tickets to see santana/michael franti! I am sure the whole neighborhood heard my screams and were about to call 911. whew! I am on cloud 9 and still vibrating from the happiness I feel.

and so I grabbed my sign and put my t-shirt on and headed out to spread some sunshine of my own. I knew that the morning crew were going to be at mcdonald's cause it is mc-happy day. I said hi and thank you to j'lyn and gary and thanked them for the tickets. I lined up and told my new BFF cashier julie that I wanted to buy lunch for the next person that walked in. great! so we have a customer and he orders a small coffee. are you kidding me? so I buy it for him and he is puzzled as to why I just bought him coffee. I told him to just do something nice for someone today - pay it forward.

next customer walks up and julie is right into it. the customer orders a diet coke. what? that's it? okay so I spring for that and I am only out a couple of bucks at this point. julie and I had our eyes peeled on the door and each person that walked in julie was waving them over to her. she was precious! so finally these two lovely ladies walk in. ladies who lunch perhaps? so I buy the first lady her lunch and she is confused. why was I buying her lunch? who was I? what did I want from her? too funny! I told her to just pay it forward. do something nice for someone today. of course I felt I should buy her friend lunch too to be fair and so I did. I enjoyed watching them all unsure and smiling about what just happened and then I thanked everyone and off I went.

back in the car my calculations were that I forked out about $10.00. what? off to starbucks drive through where I decided that I would pay for the person behind me. yup, and then I drove off. I don't know what their reaction was. what they thought or if they even get it, but it doesn't matter. in order to answer our wishes of peace in this world we need to be a part of it. I know that my gesture today is not going to move mountains or create a world wide movement, but maybe, just maybe one other person out there in this world will be pleasantly surprised by the kindness of a stranger. now off you go - spread some sunshine!

ahhh mother's day...

2011-05-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

mom before I came along

on saturday I was going to post about how I was not looking forward to mother's day. this year just seemed to be all planned out in ways that made me unhappy, frustrated and just wanting to skip the day. I pity partied my way through the week and trying to remind myself that I am pretty darn lucky when it comes to the "life of your dreams" department. buck up girl! I arranged flowers in vases that I was I letting go of and delivered them to my friends & neighbours. I made new curtains for the garage that I am leaving behind cause gosh darnit the new home owner mom deserved a good mother's day too!

and so the week went on and I kept struggling with how I was going to put on a happy face and get through it. what would I get my mom for mother's day when she has been using me for a punching bag lately. her words take me from 0 - 60 in 2.5 seconds and right back to being a child and how I could never do anything right. the constant comparisons, reminders of what a failure I was and how fat I was. I was never able to live up to her expectations and I believe I never will. I have to be at peace with that. that and the fact that the words "I love you" and "I am proud of you" never crossed her lips and probably never will. I often wonder why I was never enough. she often told me that she didn't want me to get a swelled head and that is why she never praised me. even now it is difficult to forget the words - your so stupid, why did you think that you could do that, that would look good on you, but you are too fat and my all time favourite - no one will want you with a child. thanks mom. thank you for ALL of it. you did the best you could with what you knew and what you had.

I say thank you because all of it has taught me valuable lessons. the most important one being that my child will know that he is loved. he will be reminded of how amazing he is and how proud I am of him. he will never be made to feel less than from me. I hope I was able to do that. I look into his eyes and I think how could you not love your child to pieces no matter what? he is a part of me and that in itself would prevent me from telling him he is not good enough or deserving. the scariest part of it all is that I don't even think she realizes she does it. it is second nature to her - like brushing her teeth every morning. agh!

in any case I did find her what I thought was the perfect mother's day gift. a new purse. her purse is looking pretty ratty and I think I found one that would work for her. then came the card. I always have trouble finding a card for her. I just want one of those "simply stated" cards. flowers on the front and happy mother's day inside. unfortunately they are few and far between and so I turned to martha. surely martha would have a simple card that I could whip up to accompany the fab bag. so I followed the directions for the pop up card. I was having fun. I was thinking about how cool it would be when she opened the card and "voila" flowers popping out at her. I really do love my mom and I do these things to remind her of how much I love her. it is never about the reaction for me (that I could write a script for), but the action. I do the best I can and if it is not enough then so be it. I love her anyways.

so the card flopped and fizzled and martha had me swearing up a blue streak and throwing flowers all over the place. I am convinced that martha never even assembled the card. her little elves did all the work. oh my I had paper stuck to everything and there was nothing popping out of that card except for a white flag. I surrender!

and so the next morning my amazing husband (who yes did want me despite the child) said he would help. ha! he wasn't actually wanting to help make a card. he wanted to help me get through the day and he wanted me to smile while doing it. so we watched the video again and cut new flowers and followed the step by step (I know people it is a simple frickin' craft) and voila! pop up heaven simply stated mother's day card - CHECK!

so we head off for brunch and much to my delight mimosa's where the drink of the day. hook me up! oh yeah - empty stomach non drinking girl needed that extra medication to get through brunch. mom turns to me and hands me a flower made out of tissue paper. "I made this for you at st. joe's". well strike a match and light a fire cause I am gonna burn in hell! I wonder how many times it took her?

more pics of mom and the handmade flower

I make it through lunch thanks to the mimosa and my son by my side. he held my plate while we cruised the buffet with mama and her walker. so patient, so supportive and all he needed to do was look at me and I felt so loved. the pop up card popped and the purse looked like it might find a new home. all's well and chocolate dipped cream puffs made the ending sweet!

we are leaving the restaurant and making our way back to the car. dan asks if I would walk him to his car. WTH? who is going to walk me to my car? yeah, well, I walk to his car and he says "I know this isn't wrapped, but...here ya go ma". and hands me this:

grab a boat cause there was flood of tears. "ma don't cry". my precious child. my reason for breathing ( I am crying as I write this) took the time to record a cd for me. he knows how much I love listening to him play his guitar and sing. he knows how much I miss not having that around now that he is all grown up and out on his own. I listened to it on the way home and bawling my eyes out till I met him at the house. his voice singing, fingers strumming and new found recording skills blew me away. he has done wonderful and amazing things with this talent of his. wrapped my arms around him for hugs, tears, kisses and I love you. mother's day was perfect!

sorting through and packing up...

2011-05-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

this is the trunk that my mom used to pack up her belongings and begin her journey of life in canada. all of her "stuff" in this one small trunk. seems unreal. she was 21. I am guessing it mostly held clothes and perhaps some photos, letters and food?

I remember her telling me how sick she was on the boat that became her home for two weeks. I try to imagine how she felt. what courage did it take to pack up your life and move to another part of the world? how did she decide what to bring? how hard it must have been to leave her family not knowing when she would see them again. did she feel alone? scared? excited? my father was waiting for her on the other end and I am sure that was her goal. get to canada and marry the man of her dreams. her one true love. build a life in a new country...

as I am sorting and sifting through things to pack up for our new adventure I find myself reflecting a lot. we have been preparing for this for over two years. we have packed up and let go of many things along the way and yet there is still so much contained in these four walls.

a lot of it is not even material things. a lot of it is memories. I turn a corner and remember that moment when we spent the weekend creating a new room for dan. we painted the walls to resemble green grass and littered the ceiling with glow in the dark stars. he could lay in his bed and it would feel like he was outside laying in the grass looking up at the night sky.

or that moment at the kitchen table when we were carving pumpkins for the first time. I bought all the right tools, stencils and was just so excited to make it perfect. turned out that the stencils were not a big hit. freehand was in and the perfection part came in the laughter when we compared pumpkin guts to brains.

with each box I open and sort through - again I am reminded of these moments. I have always known that the moments are what are precious not the items. some things are easy to let go of when I look at them for the second or third time. others I want to hold on tight to. I want to be transported back into that moment. I feel that what I am holding close to me will enable me to return to that exact moment in time. the truth is I can return there at anytime with or without that item.

I think about the family who will live here after us. will they know how wonderful this home is? not the house. not the walls or the floors. the "home". will they feel it? will they sense that love was here? love was always here. in moments of beauty and in moments of struggle. we always loved.

as the walls become bare and the rooms empty I feel like I too am stripping down and emptying out. getting ready to build a new "home" and new memories and at times I feel uncertain. have we made the right decision? in those times of uncertainty I remind myself that no matter where we live we will always have our love and that is what I am holding close to me today.

we all have a voice...

2011-04-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

love her...

2011-03-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

capture...

2011-03-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

some days I feel like I caged bird,

I am looking out at a world I want to explore,

fear embraces me and I remain still,

I want to spread my wings and fly,

but the door is closed.

I am the only one who can open that door.

why don't I just open it?

what is it that keeps us frozen in our own skin? why can we not take that step. that huge giant step. just ONE step! what would happen if I just took the first step? would it be so bad? would it hurt? am I not hurting now? I have convinced myself that I am safe in these four walls. no one can touch me. no one can hurt me.

it is so stupid! and I never use the word "stupid", but it is. I used to be "a prisoner". I lived in a jail. four walls held me for years. I never saw the light of day unless I had permission. behind those four walls I was abused and no one knew. I told no one. that was many years ago. I escaped. I became stronger and put my foot down. no one was ever going to control me again! no one would ever tell me what I could and could not do! I will not be a prisoner again!

and here I am...

telling myself that I cannot leave...

why do I continue to keep the chains on?

why do I imprison myself?

how do I break free?

how do I fly?

my heart aches with worry

with fear

just go on...

go...

OPEN THE DOOR!

making wishes come true...

2011-03-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

yesterday was quite a day. what happened at ma and pa's house is something that in all of my life has NEVER happened.

ma had one wish for her birthday. she wanted to bring treats to her day program to share. kind of like a kid in school. so cute. I suggested cupcakes as that way no one had to worry about cutting cake and you could measure out portions easily. little did I know what I was getting myself into.

first off you must know that ma likes to watch daily mass at 10 am. so while she was praying up a storm I was busy in the kitchen mixing and baking. dad went to check on her to see if she was ready to come upstairs and after both of them were gone for awhile I went and checked on them.

I interrupted them watching maury and was "ssshhed" so that we could all find out whether or not the man was the father to the woman's three children. turns out the first two were his and the last one was not at which point my father calls her a "putana". ah yes! I could not believe that they were wasting living moments on this, but was impressed by what maury said about loving his non-biological children as much as his biological children so I guess I got something out of it too.

so we get mom back upstairs where the cupcake factory is in full swing and she wants the tv on because it is now time for the price is right. shoot me now! I humor her for awhile and then set up the cupcake decorating station for her at the table. I scold her for licking her fingers while decorating and then decide I am not the one eating the cupcakes so go for it! it felt like I was working with children. dad is running around swearing about the mess of icing and then I pull out the sprinkles. well! more swearing, but then apparently the poor helpless females that we were needed help and so he decided to become the "sprinkle master". so there we were the three of us doing the unheard of in our house. three of us working together on a common goal. to fulfill mom's wish of treats for her group.

I pulled out my camera quick because I knew this was a memory that needed to be documented. as a child I was either with my dad working in his shop building stuff or off with my friends. mom and I did not bake together and there was certainly no cupcake, icing or sprinkles to play with. I sometimes think of how sad it is that she is slowly losing who she is and was and then there are days like yesterday that make me smile.

she may not be able to do all the things she used to do like cleaning, cooking, being independent and running here there and everywhere while the rest of us were exhausted watching her. I guess moments like this I realize that she had it in her this whole time. the ability to let go and be more relaxed and be silly and lick her fingers and make a mess. either that or she is oblivious to the whole thing. who knows!

regardless I know that it was a pretty special day and I had to pinch myself to see if I was really living it.
and when I asked dad if we should go into the cupcake business? well, more swearing, but I know he had fun too cause he hung around and helped out.

PAINT!

2011-03-09T07:21:00.000-08:00

I painted everyday for a full week. an experiment to see what comes out without thought or purpose. some days I flung paint and lost myself in textures and colour with loud fast music playing. other days I lost myself in the process. the paint on the brush hitting the paper. stroke by stroke as the hours would pass and I would feel a calmness envelope me.

I am learning which paints I love and which I could toss in the bucket. I am learning that mixing colour is fun. you never know what you get and when you run out of a colour it's like running out of eggs when your baking. what do you substitute? how do you make it work? do you get frustrated because you cannot duplicate the exact colour? or do you allow yourself to let go?

I am learning that somedays it is not about the final piece. it is about the process. the feeling. the release or the excitement. it has been the best daily workout ever! grab some paint and try it and let me know what happens for you.

podcasts are my new obsession

2011-03-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I usually listen to music in the studio with the occasional audio book thrown in, but lately I have been listening to podcasts. they have rocked my world! so informative and interesting to hear about other artists, their process and their lives. here are some of my recent faves:

marisa haedike aka creative thursday

jen lee

jamie ridler of jamie ridler studios

and you can always go to i-tunes and type in "jamie ridler" and you will get a whole whack of podcasts from such names as rice freeman zachery, connie from dirty footprints studio, art and soul radio with host leslie riley and buckets more! go have a listen....

she's complete...

2011-03-07T14:31:00.000-08:00

my final piece for the GYPO online class. mati and lisa have totally transformed the way I think about paint. I have learned SO much in this class. this is the first piece I have ever done that is brighter, softer and without words. usually I am itching to add some text, but I let her go as she is.

they are offering this class again soon so be sure and sign up! it's awesome!

miss ya buddy!

2011-03-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

1996 - 2009

looking for a challenge? inspiration?

2011-02-25T13:14:00.000-08:00

take a class! or at the very least check out the links I've provided!

I signed up for this class on the very last day at the very last minute. mostly because I tend to be a bit of an on-line class junkie and because at times I have been disappointed. but this time I am SO glad I took the plunge! "get your paint on" is taught by mati mcdonough and lisa congdon. two amazing artists that I have been following for awhile. mati's artwork hangs on my inspiration wall and I missed lisa's workshop put on by my good friend angela and so I thought if I could get both of these artist's together and learn from them then I better not let this one slide by.

although the class is not yet complete I thought I would share some of the pieces I have been working on and the inspiration that I have found through taking this class.

this was my first week's painting and it was inspired by gee's bend quilts. the colors were inspired by papaya tissue paper.

second week's painting was inspired by flora bowley. this is the same week I fell and had my arm in a sling so I used my fingers to paint.

and then a second attempt where I played around with colors and a quote both inspired by kelly barton.
third week I was inspired by beatriz milhazes. I am "in love" with her work! beautiful!
I felt like I made a mess of the first one and so attempted a second one. not as crazy, but still bold black graphic that I wanted to have on the piece.
this week I was inspired by olaf hajek. crazy wild art! LOVE IT!

so why post this before the class has ended? because I had an awakening this week. usually when I paint I am using mixed media. this class has challenged me to just use paint. I have learned oodles about "just paint". it has been stressful at times. I have had the "ugly cry" moments, but I kept pushing forward. I learned patience and the quality of time as opposed to quantity of pieces. this week in particular I found myself painting in an almost meditative state. a retreat of sorts with paint. I found quiet and relaxed moments where I lost track of time and to do lists. albeit I cannot possibly do this everyday...or can I?

I have kept up with the schedule of this class unlike so many other on-line classes. I have received incredible support from a new on-line community of artists that I may not have otherwise met. I truly felt like a painter this week. thank you lisa and thank you mati for such a beautiful course filled with amazing inspiration and support!

the ideas for my new studio have been swirling around in my head. SO excited to see it all come together. in a few short months I will be sitting in front of a beautiful big window and I cannot wait to "get my paint on" there!

challenge is good continued...

2011-02-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

on one of the days I was kicked out the house for a showing I ended up at value village. I've been admiring all the handmade ceramics on the internet and tried to think of how I could replicate them. I'm always inspired by alisa. she makes beautiful things out of stuff that you would never think of. her creativity blows my mind and so I thought why not try it?

I started with a tiny plate under a dollar!

it was one of those little keepsake plates from ottawa.

I started by coating the front with gesso.

I then tried some soft molding paste and sanded it down. mixed some colors together to give it that off white look.

added the word "fly" with rubber stamps. I actually pushed the rubber stamps into the paint and paste and then smeared some black paint over top so that the word would pop.

I love the way it turned out!

challenge is good...

2011-02-17T10:40:00.000-08:00

one of the ways I find to move forward in my art is to challenge myself on a regular basis. I participated in quite a few challenges last year to get my art motor running again. one of the ones that caught my eye was from la wendula.

get a box filled to the brim:

pick out a few items:

create something using those items:

replace with the same number of items you took out:

she is hosting another one, check it out!

2011-02-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

Happy LOVE day!

I plan on spreading some love today while running around doing errands and I encourage you to do the same. remember all those extra valentine's I could not stop making? yup! I will be doing a little guerilla art and leaving here there and everywhere. fun!

could it be?

2011-01-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

as I looked out my window this morning I noticed a yellow clothed figure on the roof a few doors down. santa? no, he wears red. cupid? no he wears nothing. easter bunny? no, fluffy white ears and tail. then smack it hits me. just another dumb ass who thought it would be a good idea to get up on his roof using his rickety old ladder and try to remove the ice and snow himself. hey dumb ass! not everyone has a law degree. some people actually make a living removing snow from roofs. you should pay THEM to do it.

and then there is the dogs. the little one "joey" thought it would be a good idea to walk across the tundra and get up as high as he could to see if it was santa. the slats are actually part of our fence and yes we have that much snow!

and the other dog "sparky" who I watched tumble down the stairs with I guess aspirations of becoming a gymnast and then slide down the sidewalk to the detached garage door. oh c'mon you would've giggled too! but then he is digging away at the snow bank probably looking for dry land I assumed. well after awhile I decide to brave the icy walk to see what he has found that is so interesting. okay, so another dumb ass left a jar of bird seed outside and it was buried in the snow, but sparky the bloodhound that he is found IT! and then proceeded to inhale as much of it as he could in the time that I was out of sight.

now I somehow hurt my back. be it from shoveling, pushing people out of the snow or running around keeping the house tidy. so I say to sparky "now I love ya, but if you die on my watch your body will remain where it lies until someone can come and pick you up."

house tidy? yes, it is official we are on the market and headed for condo living. in the process of showing the home to potential buyers we have been out looking for appliances. now I am in love with my stove, but have been convinced that all new appliances is the way to go. I just need it to boil, bake and fry. that's it! I do not need it to boil in 90 seconds. I do not need it to free the little cleaners for self cleaning. I do not need a warming drawer. very hard to find a basic stove. so I find one that I am happy with and the damn thing has buttons on it that say "crispy pizza" and "chicken nuggets". WTF?

I can not live my life cooking and looking at buttons that say crispy pizza and chicken nuggets. I say to the salesman "how do you know what size my nuggets are" which ends in roaring laughter. but seriously? so I upgrade to the next one and end up another $300.00 into shiny NEW appliance heaven.

crazy busy around here as both men have abandoned me for warmer climates. doing poop patrol which is so fun! apparently bird seed for dogs is equal to corn for humans. and did I mention that once bird seed is spilled, eaten, pooped and come back to life that it travels? oh yes! it travels into the house. on my boots! fucking bird seed poop boots!

I am one click away from booking my flight. united says I have to use my air miles before the end of march and I hate to disappoint people! seeing as that is probably not going to happen I will just drown myself in percocet.

I did manage to steal away some time in the studio though and completed the challenge for our guild meeting next week. here is a peek:

then for some bizarre reason I started making valentine's. like I am in grade frickin' two or something. anyway, I would cut out a heart and then before throwing away the other part I would stick it on the next one and so on till I used up a whole bunch of little bits. weird! but good therapy!

life...

2011-01-26T09:31:00.000-08:00

it's raining outside as I write this. real rain. like april showers rain except that it's january and there is snow on the ground not green grass.

sometimes we say when it rains, it pours or when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. or in my case when three tulip petals fall off in front of you while eating breakfast you make ART.

it all began with this:

and ended up looking like this.

I really tried to challenge myself (as if I have nothing better to do) as far as mediums. I dug out the walnut ink and stained the wood. I kept adding layers till I liked the effect. I sketched in the tulip petal shape and began layering color with acrylic paint, pencil crayons and outlined with a fine tip black pen. I wanted the petals to pop and so I added some dimensional medium.

for some reason I always feel the need to add words to my pieces and this time I chose "life". cause sometimes life throws you things that you need. you learn, you grow and you evolve. I loved the challenge of keeping it to a few products and seeing what developed. it is fun to experiment with what you have and it all started with tulip petals falling in front of me. hmmm...

2011-01-18T10:04:00.000-08:00

3 things

dress for the elements

artwork by linda woods

have good coffee on hand to warm you

"in my mind" by nadia

and make some art...

building blocks...

2011-01-13T13:26:00.000-08:00

new home in progress

remember building blocks from when you were a kid? okay, I actually remember lego. I loved lego. build stuff, take it apart and make something new. lego is impossible to break. I still have my original lego collection. colors are still bright and I can still make a beautiful house out of my bricks, doors and windows.

ever since I was introduced to david whyte and the house of belonging I have been building my own house of belonging.

"dream home" journal page

I've been working on moving out of our house and finding a new home. we found one and we waited and waited till it happened. and now we are a few short months away from a move.

clearing out the old crap has never been difficult for me. things are just that - things. we all have crap we get rid of and are glad to see it go. then there are the treasures. the lego, the walls, the itty bittys. it took years to make this house a home. we love it here. we love everything about our home, our neighborhood and our favorite haunts.

two steps forward and one step back. we talk about new furniture and decorating and then we sigh at the memory wall. all the bumps and scratches from people moving in and out of the basement. so many good memories happened within these walls. bad times too. some really bad times.

I guess we are all moving in one way or another. be it moving locations, moving forward, moving ideas around. life is a building block. we build it up. admire and take pride in our work and sometimes it all falls apart. I guess the biggest thing I learned in 2010 was that it is all a part of building our house of belonging. not just in the actual build a house example, but building a life. a life that is ours. that is us.

artwork by linda woods

our new home will be an adventure. it may feel like we are on vacation for awhile and it may take years to bring it all together so that it truly is us. but it will be...

2011-01-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

and finally LOVE...

love set in stone

love of friends

friends married with children

moments of love

reunited love

love of my second mom

huge family love

new family love

unknown family love from australia

this man, so full of love

love graffiti

i will love you for all my life

roadside love

etched love

splash of paint love

denim love

love of my fellow travelers

2010-12-24T14:20:00.000-08:00

"sometimes I need only to stand wherever I am to be blessed"

MARY OLIVER

2010-12-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

pray

amen jesus (aka dan)

little red church

found in my grandparents attic

cross from my grandparents wedding day

our town church

close up

madonna del aqua on the side of a house in my grandma's crescent

cemetery niche

beautiful adornments for the grave markers

jesus and his flock (aka dan and nun's fika)

photo op in a cemetery? why not!

our town cemetery full of munarolo's

on a tombstone - engraved handwriting!

love this marker!

sitting on a grave

beautiful inscriptions

stone

jesus, a nun and her best friend?

2010-12-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

eat

pastries

garden fresh veggies

crostini

grappa in the morning

cappuccino

tetra pak wine

cappuccino

frutti di mare

meringue gelato

grapes off the vine

cappuccino

fine wine delivered to our doorstep

chocolate filled croissants

cappuccino

cappuccino and croissants

mocha torte

fish feast

homemade vino

backyard "grill" aka bbq

cappuccino

cantaloupe gelato

market veggies

nutella in a cup with breadsticks and ice tea

zia's coffee

two beers and a cappuccino in st. mark's square

gelato

cafe coretto

venezia day trip fixins

first taste of pizza

pray and love to follow...

2010-12-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

inspired by mccabe...

that's what little girls are made of...

2010-09-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

is it really necessary to wear underwear? I need to speak to the man who thought that repackaging and "new styling" was a good idea. probably the same guy who decided to re-vamp feminine hygiene products. go ahead and make the cracker packages all "new and healthier", but leave my girl stuff alone!

this is probably my way of denying the fact that my ass has changed. or maybe my panties shrunk? all I know is that finding new underwear yesterday was like trying to get rid of wrinkles. it ain't happening!

my all time fave and trusty brand "jockey" has re-vamped their underwear and it resembles the vintage t-shirts that are out there. I don't want my panties to look like they are old and used! "calvin" has gone the lacy and slippery route which just makes no sense. lacy = itchy and slippery? well, I won't go there.

then I thought I would give the "hanes" panties a go. they were the cheapest, but actually looked there would be enough fabric there to cover my tush so that when I bend over the spackle police aren't jumping out to get me. oh it was sheer joy!

and then we come to this morning where I am running around getting stuff ready for my trip. looks the suitcase may actually make it up the stairs for packing and then wham! it starts...

the dog decides to pee right outside the bathroom door. just like all the other boys in the house missed the toilet, again...

then I decide to make myself a latte and while my milk is steaming away I start dreaming away and out of the corner of my eye I see it happen...

overflowing milk out of the container, down the countertop, on the floor right in between the stove and counter. super!

stop the dreaming. pull out the stove and as I am on my hands and knees swatting away the dog who is trying to lick up the milk it hits me - the old panties I am wearing are totally covering my ass! and I just smile...

cause no matter how the day begins, ends or all the in between the fact of the matter is that I am leaving in two days!! two days and twenty seven years later I will be face to face with my auntie. the one I lived with while I was there. the one who taught me how to be a grown up and take care of myself. the one who patiently watched me trip up and smarten up and loved me all the same.

and the spilled milk and peeing dog and overflowing milk will be history. what will be is love, joy, laughter and new memories in a far away land and as long as I don't bend over I will be fine.

what I learned this week...

2010-09-17T19:32:00.001-07:00

taking apart the 2009 unused papaya day timer

that sometimes life will bite ya in the ass - ouch, be careful what ya say

scraps and bits waiting for love

you might know that you have it good, but then wham it hits ya - you seriously have it good!

gentle reminders all around you

and finally that the love and support was always there - all ya had to do was reach for it!

sometimes I forget that I am okay as is

2010-09-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

so excited for my trip! 9 more sleeps and I will be on my way home - italia here I come!

oh it was all so exciting until I started packing. then I started getting cranky. was it the clothes? was it the thought of people seeing me after 27 years and thinking "gosh, she looks SO old"? is it a fear of looking worse then when I left 27 years ago?

I ended up in a puddle of tears. oh yay, pity party for one please! WHAT THE HELL????

when I lived in italy I loved myself. I was comfortable in my skin. I had people in my circle who loved me as was. there was no "do I look fat in this?" or "I look frumpy" or my hair looks like crap!" or "these shoes will never do!". there were no doubts. and so now that I am, ahem, more mature, why oh why am I having these awful thoughts?

the more I think about it the more I realize how silly it is. I am excited to see my family and friends. I am over the moon at the thought of hugging my aunt after all these years. sharing a laugh with my friends who called me "sis". seeing my old boyfriend and tasting his wonderful wine. driving down the same road that I would take to see my grandma. having my son see where it all began so many years ago. the markets, the cobblestone streets, the pizza to die for, gelato flavors galore, good food, great wine, amazing memories, new and old.

I am excited about all of this and then I cringe at the thought of how quickly it will pass and I want to treasure every single second. I so look forward to sitting and listening, watching and wondering. what have they done since I left? how have they lived? and those that have passed? I want to go see them too.

I want to leave without guilt. without fear of something awful happening while I am away. drop the worries on the doorstep as I leave. leave the pity party that really sucked ass! grab my bag and fly away...

2010-09-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

if it's not one thing, it's your mother...

2010-09-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

BUT today it was actually dad's turn. appointment with a hematologist. big words. lots of quick note taking. asking questions. more tests ordered. blah, blah, blah! let's go book those appointments shall we? WHOA!

at which point I stop everyone dead in their tracks and say "is there something in particular that you are looking for?" more big words. don't worry they say. this has been building for some time. wha-T? holy hell I hate hospitals. hate doctors. hate tests and especially hate the new parking garage.

so I drop dad off at home. he doesn't want to do lunch. I consider that he is probably not hungry whereas I on the other hand want to inhale a bear. because inhaling a bear or any food of that size would instantly make me feel better, no?

but I don't. I instead go into the studio at which point I begin creating a mess:

except that at some point I found that the little pieces weren't doing it for me and so I moved to a big piece. the biggest I have ever worked on:

I lose myself in the rip, tear, and glue up to my elbows. one hour turns into two and I take a step back to admire my work at which point I notice this little guy:

looking up at me as if to say "hey mama, you okay?"

I am okay. if for even a little bit I lost myself in my art. I stopped thinking, stopped worrying and started to feel better.

in all honesty there is nothing to worry about at this point. we know nothing. there is "some" thing, but we don't know what it is. we could lose sleep over it, cry our eyes out over it, worry till our head hurts. all things that I would normally have done.

but for today I took a different approach and turned to my art.

and poof it's september...

2010-08-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

wow! where did the month go?

-I am now a year older, but I feel like I am getting younger everyday

-I created a whack of purses/bags for ponytails and horseshoes. I am so honored that they have given me the opportunity to sell my art in their salon.

-I reconnected with my old boyfriend from italy.

- I took off to toronto for a reunion with my tribe...

we shared our time creating...

eating good food and making mushroom mustaches...

talking till the wee hours of the morning and promising each other that this will be an annual event. four and half out of seven of us made it this year.

-I took the leap and signed up for this a while ago and made the deadline! woo!

-busy packing and sorting and even had a garage sale.

-picking colors and textures, cabinets and floors, appliances and furniture for the new place.

-dan has returned from his adventures in montreal. so happy he is back safe and sound. he turned twenty yesterday which is blowing my mind!

-I felt like this month I have had a good rhythm between taking care of mom and dad and feeding my soul. more time in the studio makes for a happy girl!

life is good!

a very special man...

2010-07-30T08:50:00.001-07:00

we celebrated papa's birthday yesterday. he is 74. I don't think he looks 74, but I do think he looks tired.

he has been amazing this last year. with mom not able to do the things she used to do he has taken over. laundry, cooking, cleaning and running the household have become his responsibilities. somedays he is proud as a peacock about all he does and somedays he wants to throw in the towel. more than not he wants to throw in the towel.

it makes me sad to think of how much he has had to take on in this last year. he had different plans for their life. mom always treated him like gold. did everything for him. he was a prince and we never let him forget it. thing is he enjoyed it!

I am starting to remember more and more good things about my past and my dad plays a huge role in the good things about my childhood. him and I did a lot of things together as mom was always trying to get me out of her way so that she could get things done. so dad usually had to entertain me.

I remember many bike rides with him. he still has the bike that he rode in the 70's. purple! he taught me how to build things in his workshop. I think it is credit to him that I am not afraid to tackle any household project. he would let me use the table saw, drill and hammer up little boxes. I still have one of those boxes. we spray painted it silver. he let me use the lawn mower, paint the fence and taught me how to drive.

mom would ground me from riding my bike and dad would let me go anyway. I know that she resented our relationship. she always said I loved him more. it's true, I did and I do. it is hard for me to admit that, but it is true.

mom is limited in what she can do and depends on others to help her with practically everything so as far as I can see she is doing fine. she is being well taken care of and we are all trying to make her life as best as possible for her despite her challenges.

dad on the other hand has lost a great deal of weight. he has lost his wife or at least the wife as she was. he is tired, he is cranky, his is sick and I am afraid. I am afraid that I may lose him and it scares me to death.

I need to keep reminding myself that I cannot control what happens nor can I fix everything. I am doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. I will continue to take care of myself and my family. in that order.

it is okay to feel the way that I feel. it is okay to cry when I need to and laugh hard when I do. I am happy with how I am looking at this. putting it all out on the table and looking at it as "life" and not "loss".

because at the end of the day he is still here and I am very fortunate that I have such a special man to call "papa". we still joke around and laugh at the silliest little things. we are trying to talk about our feelings and make decisions based on the reality of the situation. and last night we lit candles and sang "happy birthday" over and over and over. cause seriously I think it is impossible to sing "happy birthday" too many times! we sang and we laughed and celebrated my amazing "papa".

I had a lot of "happy moments" this week, but this was the best. what was yours?

forever in love...

2010-07-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

he was amazing as always...

he wandered out into the crowd and brushed past me. up close! like right there! I was ready to rush the stage SO many times. tammy wasn't quite prepared for that. her fault though for filling me with bellini's before the concert.

if you ever get the chance to see michael franti, you MUST! it will be an incredible experience. I GUAR-AN-TEE it! jon baby you have some serious competition!

2010-07-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

today I am "happy!"

and tonight?

I will be "estatic!"

my cuz and I will be attending the michael franti concert tonight! we are gonna pack up our crazies and dance our booties off. she has no idea what she is getting into. AND if I get the chance...I will be up on stage with her beside me! we haven't been out alone together since we were teenagers so I am sure we will get into a bit of trouble...

"hey mama, hey mama, dancing with you"

2010-07-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

I will always love you too, baby...

still recovering from the concert. kid rock opened for bon jovi and I was pleasantly surprised. he had the crowd moving and shaking, singing and clapping. I think the best kind of opening act is one that gets us excited and ready for the show. high five kid!

and jon? well, of course he was AMAZING! poor thing had a bum leg. torn calf muscle which I totally would have massaged for him had I been allowed to leave my seat. I had never been to a concert at the stadium and I can honestly say that it was fantastic. I really think that listening to a performer out in the open at night as the sun is going down is an experience everyone should have. they had a hug screen in the middle and two smaller ones on the side so you had a great view from any seat. it was a class act show. the whole band played their assess off and the crowd made sure they knew how much we appreciated it.

and me? well, I refused to sit in my seat, sang at the top of my lungs and rocked my bootie all night long and clapped till my hands were sore. jon did not disappoint and I can't wait till we meet again. thank you jon!

2010-07-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

it's time!!!!!

2010-07-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

"thrive" work in progress

"you know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation . . . and that is called loving. well, then, love your suffering. do not resist it; do not flee from it. it is your aversion that hurts, nothing else." - HERMAN HESSE

close encounters of what kind?

2010-07-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

the other day I was driving to spruce grove. normally this trip would take me about 45 minutes from door to door. I usually leave in between 10:00 am and 10:15 am and arrive right before 11:00 am. however...

on this particular day something weird happened. I was driving along my usual route. crossed the henday and I know I am not far. that is the last thing I remember until I see the sign for banff, alberta. if you are not familiar with alberta let me give you the coles notes version. I was headed west to spruce grove. banff is south and not accessible by the highway I was driving on and there are no signs that indicate that a banff, alberta exit is available if you so choose.

or is there?

as I am driving along the road becomes very unfamiliar and I suspect that I am on the wrong road and turned around and started heading back the way I came because I was convinced that I had missed my turn off.

or had I?

a few minutes into my drive back and I decide to pull over and use my handy dandy i-phone and try and figure out where in the hell I am. I remained calm despite the fact that I had no idea where I was and the fact that I had seen a banff, alberta sign in what should be the highway to spruce grove. according to my gps I WAS headed the right way and WAS almost at my turn off. pull another u-turn and back on the highway where I saw the banff, alberta sign before. eyes peeled I looked and looked and I did not see it. WTH?

I arrived at my destination and parked the car. I sat for a moment thinking about what had just happened and the only conclusion I could come to was that I was abducted by aliens. yup! I have no recollection of it and no visible signs and weird thing is I was about ten minutes early for my appointment. hmmm?

why am I taking the time to even write about this ridiculous notion? well, this morning as michael shut the door on the dresser the phone light came on which only happens when you take the phone off the charger to make a call.

conclusion?

those damn aliens followed me home!

"art picnic" happy

2010-07-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

yes it has been awhile since I posted a "happy"...

a week ago I became obsessed with picnic baskets. you know the "old style" picnic baskets. I dreamed of filling it with art supplies and heading outside to have an art picnic. laying out a blanket and dumping all my stuff on it and just creating for the fun of it. no agenda and most of all to just "be".

turns out that a picnic basket is not an easy thing to find these days. they have backpack picnic basket thingies and cooler picnic basket thingies. so I put the call out to my peeps and low and behold if my dear friend jan didn't find one from circa 1920's. could it be anymore awesome than that?

so yesterday I was vibrating from the excitement. the possibility of actually doing "this" that I have been dreaming of. and so I gathered up all my supplies in my basket...

I set up my little art picnic area...

and I began...

painting....

and getting messy....

till I ended up with this...

and a close up...

and I celebrated with this...

and I was very happy that I followed my "dream" and took time for "me" and just "played". what was your "happy" this week? head over here and share!

studio stories

2010-06-29T21:28:00.001-07:00

at one time my studio was in the basement. low light, carpet, but tons of room. too much room! then the boy decided he wanted to take over the basement and so I moved my studio upstairs. it is brighter, no carpet, but very little room compared to the basement.

before I moved upstairs I painted, I purchased new furniture and I got rid of tons of stuff so that I could fit into the new room. over the years I have purchased more furniture and bought more stuff and so the circle continued.

at least once or twice a year I get this itch to change it up. this usually happens when I feel like ignoring all the "should do's" and just want to spend a week going through all my stuff and tossing what I haven't used and moving furniture around.

the before is the first attempt this year.

before:

I removed some furniture and changed the set up and a few months later I still felt crowded and unhappy. I was working on a quilt in the kitchen a few weeks back and while cutting, sewing and moving around the table I realized something. I really liked the extra space! so I decided to move the studio into the kitchen! NOT!

I went through everything as per usual, but this time I removed the bigger table and reconfigured the two small tables. I also removed the tall unit and took some things off the walls. the result makes me very happy. it feels bigger, less cluttered and brighter. and tonight I spent time in my "new" room creating up a storm. will share pics soon!

after:

are you sure you are ready for this?

2010-06-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

a slow start,

to a powerful beginning.

it is as if being sick,

has helped me to see,

that I am ready to heal.

I have been quite sick the last few weeks. sick like "bang me on the head and knock me out sick". I don't know where the hell it came from, but that isn't important. I had been feeling lately like I needed a break. time to think and time to move forward. move forward with so many things. release the fear and really be "brave".

I question whether or not I am ready for the challenge. I ask myself as others have asked of me "are you sure you are ready for this?" let me ask you this I say - did you know when you started college that you were ready? when you got married. did you know you were ready? after you announced you were pregnant and people asked "are you ready for this?"

I think in our gut we know when it is time. I do not believe that we can know with 100 % conviction that we are ready for anything. I think we make a choice - yes or no - and we do it or we don't.

I also believe that this recent bout of supreme yuck was to tell me that I am ready. it is okay to take off a layer of protection and take the first step.

I have coughed out the gremlins and blew my nose till I could breathe again. my lungs feel stronger and head clear. I am gonna do it and it will probably be one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

2010-06-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

missing you...

2010-05-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

it's not the way that you look...

it's the way that you SHOOK!

perfect just the way you are...

2010-05-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

I will never understand how anyone could abandon you.

I would love to thank them for their bravery.

I will never understand how I could abandon myself.

am I brave by holding on?

I want to thank you for your caring eyes

that follow my every move.

and your nose kisses.

and your begging to be held.

I tell people that I rescued you, but the truth is

you rescued me.

time for a break...

2010-04-12T07:56:00.001-07:00

bags are packed and we are off...

no, not really. this time we are taking a "staycation". with all monies being put aside for our "big dream" there will be no sand beneath our toes this time. although he has said that he will spend five minutes a day at the tanning salon and wants to come home to an open bar and buffet. huh?

that's okay. you make the most out of what you have and we have a pretty cool city. we have done some planning. our fun filled week will include "no tv" and "one hour of computer per day" and "eat all meals at the kitchen table". oh yeah by weeks end we should be three sheets to the wind and exhausted with staring lovingly at each other.

we are planning on checking out our regular hot spots, whyte avenue, bookstores, coffee shops and with our book of 25 we might test out some new eats.

the muttart conservatory has been recently renovated and the shops on 112 avenue are fun to browse through.

and just for shits and giggles why not toss in a mammogram and pelvic ultrasound? oh how about a CT scan? yes, despite our effort to take a break we still have reality slamming us in the face at every turn.

that's okay...margaritas are whirling in the blender as we speak. cheers!

the "happy book" report

2010-04-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

this made me happy and I hope it does you too!

being an only child has it's moments!

2010-04-07T14:27:00.001-07:00

that's me in the middle of ma and pa. I have been in the middle of these two since I took my first breath. dad always said "everything for nadia" in reference to my mom giving me too much. funny thing is that mom always said "you are too soft" to dad when he would break my punishment and let me go for a bike ride anyway.

I remember crawling into bed (in the middle) with them and we would just chat. then mom would snap back to reality and off she would run to make coffee and get the day started. mom was always running around taking care of us. dad was always making stuff or fixing things and he spent a lot of time keeping me out of mom's hair.

nowadays though mom is the one we are taking care of and that is pretty different for all of us. she still wants to take care of us and her way of doing that is to tell us what to do. she still wants special occasions to be special and now just lists off what she would like and we try and make it happen. of course dad is not really into any big celebrating or attention of any sort and so he pretty much steps aside.

so that puts me smack in the middle! of course! I try to keep him happy, but not making a big fuss and keeping things running smoothly, quietly and as stress free as possible. for her I try to make her laugh and do things that I know she would like done, but dad doesn't see the point in doing.

so this morning as we are sitting in the doctor's office about to discuss treatments for her breast cancer I am once again in the middle.

dad is talking about how mom needs to listen to him and not slam down in the chair when she sits. mom says yeah, yeah, yeah as she waves her arm in the air "don't you need to go outside". her way of momentarily "taking care of him". he gets to leave the situation and go have a cigarette. so he leaves and I am digging for some paper and a pen ready to take notes. mom turns to me and says "so about our 50th wedding anniversary". huh? "I want to invite..." and she starts to list the people. I have pen and paper in hand so I start writing down the names. "and if you call the mayor I think he will send something". huh? "I think we need to make invitations. what do you think?"

what do "I" think? I think that if this was not my life I would not believe this conversation. we are at the cross cancer institute about to discuss radiation treatments on my little mama who has already been through so much and she wants to plan a party! huh!

dad returns and the party planning stops. she doesn't want him to know. she either doesn't want him to know cause she wants to surprise him (something that is next to impossible cause "hello" he is the driver!) or she does not want him to poo poo the idea because after all dad does not like attention. and there I am looking back and forth between the two of them (kind of like a tennis match) and I smile.

I smile because despite our struggles, our dysfunctions, mistakes and disagreements I am pretty darn lucky. lucky to have both of them still together for 50 years! whoa! and being in the middle is just fine with me and being an only child only makes it sweeter cause "I" am the one who gets the good, bad and the ugly all too myself!

and all kidding aside there are people whose lives have been forever changed in the last couple of weeks and I can only imagine the hell that they are going through. go hug your loved ones and be thankful for every moment.

it's official!...

2010-04-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

thank you linda!

I think I'm in love!

2010-04-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

he opened for john mayer last night and I fell in love! john was amazing, but this guy stole my heart! chances are we roller skated together way back when! probably the couples dance! ha!

the "happy book" report

2010-04-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

it's friday? good grapes! wth? this week flew by and I thought it was saturday cause my house has one extra person in it which typically happens on the weekend.

so as I was doing my daily blog hopping I come across this. thanks jamie! and POW I realized it was in fact friday and not saturday.

and so we look back at the week and what is it that made me happy?

sunday sucked cause I could barely keep up to the running instructor. so nope, not that.

monday mom had her appointment and we found out that she may need radiation. it made me happy to hear that she is stage 0, but not so happy that she may have to have radiation. we will find out more about that on wednesday.

tuesday I sucked at the gym cause my stomach was so bloated and causing me so much pain that I could barely bend over let alone do a crunch. the afternoon made me happy cause I took a chance and went and did something out of the blue and painted with oil paints in a beautiful place with beautiful people.

wednesday I sucked at running cause my stomach still hurt and every step made it worse. I spent the rest of the day barely eating or drinking for fear of tossing my cookies. so no happy today.

thursday I happily kicked some butt at the gym and felt real good. happy! bought more coffee for my super duper coffee maker. happy! finished up my 365 project. happy! got in the car with my poster ready to listen to some fine music by a beautiful boy and they canceled. drummer down so no show last night. not happy! he loved the poster though! happy!

why don't we look forward to the weekend? today - my man is home and that always makes me happy! tonight we will definitely hear some fine music by an amazing musician. happy!

tomorrow we cook and bake our butts off for easter. happy? sure! why not?

sunday we spend with the family eating, laughing and simply enjoying being together. SO happy! and to top that off - JOHN MAYER! yup, sunday night! happy!

what made you happy this week? go share!

full worm moon dreamboard

2010-03-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

this month I had trouble getting to my dream board. it is kind of comical because that has been something that I have uncovered lately. this block or hesitance. call it fear or call it safety. it's like something inside me is holding me back. I don't understand it. what payoff am I getting from staying where I am or avoiding something that if I tried it might propel me forward? is it the safety I feel about myself as is? we are forever changing. everything changes so it's not about wanting more change. I think it is about wanting more, but at the same time having less.

I have this deep need to have everything emptied. stripped down, like a skeleton. and then start reapplying the layers as they call for their place. some days I find myself very unsettled. anxious to vacate. other days I find moments of calm and peace, warmth and comfort and the desire to stay in my cocoon.

if I look back on last month's dream board I also struggled to start it. hmmm? the theme was fun, taking risks, different angles and lots of blue and light. well I did manage to fix the kitchen light! I did have fun more than usual and I did a lot of things that I normally would not do so that would be the risk taking. looking at things from different angles? not sure about that one. I guess sometimes we just don't know the meaning. we just know.

and so this month I had no trouble gathering my images. they just jumped out at me. my dream board is filled with butterflies, birds, colors, play and the lady with the umbrella for me means shelter. I think of freedom with the birds and the butterflies. flying off...

umbrella? shelter? protection?

the words I picked were "let your story unfold" and "off she's gone" and "stop talking yourself out of the life you want most".

getting ready for some sort of journey perhaps? bring it!

did you do a dream board this month? check out what others have done over at jamie's site!

angels among us...

2010-03-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

took a break today and headed over to the organic zodiac healing arts cafe and fine gallery. local artist aynsley nisbet hosted a drop in this afternoon. I had the chance to play around with oil paints and canvas. great music, warm and friendly atmosphere and my easel was set up right by the window with the sun shining through!

my piece started out as a bird. then it became a butterfly and finally an angel. I have been feeling pretty crappy for the last few days so maybe I am calling on the angel to help me heal? mama could use some angel goodness herself as we found out yesterday that she may have to undergo radiation therapy. she has stage 0 ductal carcinoma. they took out the itty bitty teeny weeny bit of cancer that was in there, but want to be sure that it does not return. poor mama!

it has been highs and lows for the past few days and I am glad I gave myself permission to go and chill out. it was very meditative and calming. just what I needed! thanks aynsley

done...

2010-03-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

started doing some hand lettering in black...

outlined the lettering in white and added more brown paint spills

decided that it needed a few more spills in a contrasting color and some paint flicking.

and there ya have it! I hope he likes it!

back to back gigs this weekend! woo!

work in progress...

2010-03-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

working on a submission for a client of mine (hee hee). thought it would be fun to come up with a poster/signage thing for his band.

I took an old paint by number painting that I abandoned cause apparently paint by number was too "color inside the lines" for me. ha! I then added various bits of pictures and text and did a wash of ivory over top.

trying to figure out which way to go with the colors...

and then finally adding the "orange trees". why three? c'mon!

I worked on this all day on friday as I was stuck at home. the interesting thing is that I didn't rush it. it still is not complete and I have added more elements. it was so much fun to take my time and enjoy the process. stepping back and trying to figure out what step to take next. this is quite unusual for me as I am more go, go, go get 'er done. love that I found that part of me that entered a meditation of sorts while working on this piece.

then again that part of me is now also guarding the piece. I find myself frozen and unable to take the next step. when it ends, when it is complete, then what? do you ever feel that way with something you created? you are enjoying the process so much that you do not want it to end? the journey is so much fun that you are not in a hurry to reach the destination?

I relate this to other things in my life and it rings true in many instances. I am trying to figure out why I stop. I don't like to call it quit cause I don't feel that I am quitting, but rather that I am delaying the end result. I need to figure out what my pay off is for climbing the mountain, but never quite reaching the top to see what is on the other side. guess I am a "work in progress" too?

the "happy book" report

2010-03-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

in between buddha blessing and jehovah visits we have had an abundance of happy this week:

sunday:

one of my "prairie sisters' met me for a visit. we chatted for hours and completely lost track of time. it was wonderful! I loved hearing her voice and seeing her smile in person. awesome!

monday:

the snow fell and I embraced it by taking photos. it was SO beautiful! yes, you heard me correct! I was smiling even though it was chilly.

tuesday:

finished up a project from paulette's class at "inspired " last year. finally!

wednesday:

another project from from cheryl darrow's class also at "inspired". ya going?

thursday:

papa to the rescue! the light bulbs burned out in my kitchen and the bulbs snapped off when we tried to remove them. yay! we tried several methods to get the bottoms out and nothing! "who ya gonna call?" DAD! although it was a "job" so to speak we worked together. I remember when I was little and dad and I would build stuff and work on projects together for hours in his workshop. I still have a little box that we made together to hold my cassette tapes in. so today I cherished our time. just him and I patiently trying to figure out how to get the light working again. giggling at our mishaps and smashing stuff on the front step. oh yeah! I really should have let him do it, but he didn't have safety glasses on! so we now have light again in our kitchen which means - back to cooking! ha!

what were your happy moments this week? don't forget to go and share.

good luck cow?

2010-03-23T10:11:00.001-07:00

are you one of those people who forwards those "send to ten people good luck" e-mails? stop it wouldya? I normally do not get sucked in by those things, but every once in a while in a moment of weakness or what could be considered "foggy PMS brain" I cave.

yesterday would be one of those days. it all started with the morning of dumb ass move #1 where I registered as a seller on a u.s. site only to find out that the only way to be paid would be by having a u.s. bank account IN THE U.S!

then my lovely friend (you know who you are!) sent out this e-mail with a lucky buddha. ya want some luck? want some money? send it to six friends and in four days blah, blah, blah, BUT send it to twelve friends and in TWO days blah, blah, blah. never to be one of great patience I immediately (yup, did not sit in my inbox for more than a second) forwarded it to twelve people. some friends, some family and then waited for the luck and money to roll in!

however, (I would like to call this "dumb ass move #2) I sent it to my BIL who is a pastor and who sent me a gentle reminder about buddha and god and a wonderful passage to read. thank goodness my BIL is awesome and understood my moment of weakness.

fast forward to this morning where we (my BIL and I) are e-mailing back and forth about wealth, the buddha, god and so on. good conversation! doorbell rings. must be the meter reader dude? NOPE! it's jehovah witness inviting me to...

it doesn't matter! so I guess the point of this post is to share with you what I learned:

- luck does not come from a object

- let those e-mails sit for a day before you hit send

- never answer the door to strangers

and in what could be considered "dumb ass move #3?" I am almost certain that the cow will offend someone too. would it help to tell you that I do not eat animals?

today HAS to be better, no?

the "happy book" report

2010-03-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

joey that brightens all my days and my daily reminder "you do not have to be good"(mary oliver). so appropriate for me at this time.

art journal love letters and an unexpected result! love paper accidents!

mama "the rock star" made it through her surgery with flying colors! yay!

my first 5 km run after over a year of injuries. SO awesome!

I just watched jamie's video over at the next chapter blog. she asked us to think about how this happy book journey has impacted us. for myself it has had a huge impact. I find myself in a negative place or faced with challenges and I give my head a shake and tell myself to stop it. I look for the happy in each moment.

this past week more so than any was full. full of good stuff. full of family visits. full of scary moments and full of risks. I handle these times a lot better than I used to.

I find myself encouraging others to look for the "happy" or to turn that frown upside down. if anything I get a smile out of them. maybe it's a smirk saying "what would you know".

what I do know for sure is that you and only you are the one and only thing standing in the way of your happiness. I would love to hear what made you happy this week so head on over to the blog and share!

three things...

2010-03-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

read this...

watch this...

listen to this...

be yourself, create art, everyday

love, love, love

well hello 2012!

twas the night before christmas...

foggy to-do's lead to great ideas

a little bit of this and that

live while you live

my oh my mama

an art filled challenge

change of seasons

might as well be mayonnaise in a tube...

letters to my loved ones...

thank you tuesday...

and we're back!

the final countdown begins...

d.i.y art journal

DIY pet bed

on a rainy day...

looking back...

pay it forward...

ahhh mother's day...

sorting through and packing up...

we all have a voice...

love her...

capture...

making wishes come true...

PAINT!

podcasts are my new obsession

she's complete...

miss ya buddy!

looking for a challenge? inspiration?

challenge is good continued...

challenge is good...

could it be?

life...

building blocks...

that's what little girls are made of...

what I learned this week...

sometimes I forget that I am okay as is

if it's not one thing, it's your mother...

and poof it's september...

read more...

a very special man...

forever in love...

close encounters of what kind?

"art picnic" happy

studio stories

are you sure you are ready for this?

time for a break...

the "happy book" report

being an only child has it's moments!

it's official!...

I think I'm in love!

the "happy book" report

full worm moon dreamboard

angels among us...

done...

work in progress...

the "happy book" report

good luck cow?

the "happy book" report

three things...