you can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
you can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love that you shared.
you can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
you can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
you can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
-david harkins

sit down,
where were you when you knew?
the loud roar of the truth.
tears falling. drenching you in disbelief.
hanging on to the tiny thread of faith.
harder and harder to catch your breath.
all that was and forever will be.

well hello 2012!

so we are three days in and already you've made an ass of yourself. seriously? I was ready to bid a fond farewell to 2011. I was thinking about all the crap that happened in 2011 and then I stopped myself. I tried to be positive. think of the wonderful things that happened in 2011. I was able to reconnect with family and friends. I met some friends in the flesh who I dreamed of someday meeting. I took the time to make some art. taught some workshops. took some workshops. formed a circle of new friends. sold a house and moved into our dream home. survived living with my parents for two weeks in between. ate cupcakes and drank really good coffee. got rid of the old and bought new. did enough diy's to write a book. ate the best fish tacos ever. participated in a sweat lodge ceremony. saw my son take his first big step towards his big dream. had a massage on the beach. attended jann arden's book signing and witnessed my husband gushing. was fortunate enough to attend two kids christmas concerts. oh it was awesome!
sure there was the shit in between, but I was willing to let that go. so willing was I or apparently ready to let it go like that old tattered shirt you just couldn't bear to throw away that I felt the release when it happened. it was surreal. unlike anything I have ever felt. kind of like those evangelists on tv who smack you on the forehead and say "you are cured". yeah, like that. I felt the release and thought THAT should be my word for the year, "release". so I am strutting my stuff and all ready to bring it in 2012. 2012 how do you do? nice to meet ya. sit a spell and let's chat, k?

the good stuff is this...
the "idea porch" as I like to call it told me to do a vision board. oh, I've done them before and everybody is talking about making them for the year except this time it said to invite the man to do it with me. I gave him the spiel about buying the magazines, big canvas, rip and tear, glue and write and he was all in like when you push your chips to the middle of the poker table. oh my!
we started by hunting for magazines. what kind he said? any kind! how many he said? at least three. within a few minutes he was done. I was still hunting for the perfect magazines to rip and tear and also reading some very interesting articles. I needed to catch up before I lost him.

and so with gabrielle roth playing in the background we started our rip and tear fest. a few images, a few words and then we talked about why we picked what we picked. we wrote down some of our thoughts for 2012 and then began gluing it down. I was the one gushing now for he willingly participated and was a rockstar! the whole process of picking the images, the words and then the placement is kind of like sowing the seeds in a garden. you decide what you are going to grow, plant the seeds and watch them sprout. we were both very excited about the sprouting. go on sprout forth dreams, goals and wishes!
and then it happened. like any other time you are busy making plans. life whams you in the face with a frying pan and says "hey, wait a sec, ok?" WTF? no, no, no!

it's gone. done. auld lang syne and all that jazz. adios 2011 and hola 2012!

yeah, well not so fast batman. mom has fallen twice in the last four days and nearly choked to death on a piece of melon. ya, that kinda sucks 2012. no thank you, ok? no more, ok? not so fast sista! how about we take one of your own, precious to you and have them began a battle for their life. how's that? fuck you 2012!