some days I feel like I caged bird,
I am looking out at a world I want to explore,
fear embraces me and I remain still,
I want to spread my wings and fly,
but the door is closed.
I am the only one who can open that door.
why don't I just open it?
what is it that keeps us frozen in our own skin? why can we not take that step. that huge giant step. just ONE step! what would happen if I just took the first step? would it be so bad? would it hurt? am I not hurting now? I have convinced myself that I am safe in these four walls. no one can touch me. no one can hurt me.
it is so stupid! and I never use the word "stupid", but it is. I used to be "a prisoner". I lived in a jail. four walls held me for years. I never saw the light of day unless I had permission. behind those four walls I was abused and no one knew. I told no one. that was many years ago. I escaped. I became stronger and put my foot down. no one was ever going to control me again! no one would ever tell me what I could and could not do! I will not be a prisoner again!
and here I am...
telling myself that I cannot leave...
why do I continue to keep the chains on?
why do I imprison myself?
how do I break free?
how do I fly?
my heart aches with worry
just go on...
OPEN THE DOOR!
yesterday was quite a day. what happened at ma and pa's house is something that in all of my life has NEVER happened.
ma had one wish for her birthday. she wanted to bring treats to her day program to share. kind of like a kid in school. so cute. I suggested cupcakes as that way no one had to worry about cutting cake and you could measure out portions easily. little did I know what I was getting myself into.
first off you must know that ma likes to watch daily mass at 10 am. so while she was praying up a storm I was busy in the kitchen mixing and baking. dad went to check on her to see if she was ready to come upstairs and after both of them were gone for awhile I went and checked on them.
I interrupted them watching maury and was "ssshhed" so that we could all find out whether or not the man was the father to the woman's three children. turns out the first two were his and the last one was not at which point my father calls her a "putana". ah yes! I could not believe that they were wasting living moments on this, but was impressed by what maury said about loving his non-biological children as much as his biological children so I guess I got something out of it too.
so we get mom back upstairs where the cupcake factory is in full swing and she wants the tv on because it is now time for the price is right. shoot me now! I humor her for awhile and then set up the cupcake decorating station for her at the table. I scold her for licking her fingers while decorating and then decide I am not the one eating the cupcakes so go for it! it felt like I was working with children. dad is running around swearing about the mess of icing and then I pull out the sprinkles. well! more swearing, but then apparently the poor helpless females that we were needed help and so he decided to become the "sprinkle master". so there we were the three of us doing the unheard of in our house. three of us working together on a common goal. to fulfill mom's wish of treats for her group.
I pulled out my camera quick because I knew this was a memory that needed to be documented. as a child I was either with my dad working in his shop building stuff or off with my friends. mom and I did not bake together and there was certainly no cupcake, icing or sprinkles to play with. I sometimes think of how sad it is that she is slowly losing who she is and was and then there are days like yesterday that make me smile.
she may not be able to do all the things she used to do like cleaning, cooking, being independent and running here there and everywhere while the rest of us were exhausted watching her. I guess moments like this I realize that she had it in her this whole time. the ability to let go and be more relaxed and be silly and lick her fingers and make a mess. either that or she is oblivious to the whole thing. who knows!
I painted everyday for a full week. an experiment to see what comes out without thought or purpose. some days I flung paint and lost myself in textures and colour with loud fast music playing. other days I lost myself in the process. the paint on the brush hitting the paper. stroke by stroke as the hours would pass and I would feel a calmness envelope me.
I am learning which paints I love and which I could toss in the bucket. I am learning that mixing colour is fun. you never know what you get and when you run out of a colour it's like running out of eggs when your baking. what do you substitute? how do you make it work? do you get frustrated because you cannot duplicate the exact colour? or do you allow yourself to let go?
I am learning that somedays it is not about the final piece. it is about the process. the feeling. the release or the excitement. it has been the best daily workout ever! grab some paint and try it and let me know what happens for you.
I usually listen to music in the studio with the occasional audio book thrown in, but lately I have been listening to podcasts. they have rocked my world! so informative and interesting to hear about other artists, their process and their lives. here are some of my recent faves:
marisa haedike aka creative thursday
jamie ridler of jamie ridler studios
and you can always go to i-tunes and type in "jamie ridler" and you will get a whole whack of podcasts from such names as rice freeman zachery, connie from dirty footprints studio, art and soul radio with host leslie riley and buckets more! go have a listen....
my final piece for the GYPO online class. mati and lisa have totally transformed the way I think about paint. I have learned SO much in this class. this is the first piece I have ever done that is brighter, softer and without words. usually I am itching to add some text, but I let her go as she is.
they are offering this class again soon so be sure and sign up! it's awesome!