sung at the top of my lungs.
in the car.
on the freeway.
promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -christopher robin to pooh
today is one of those days. you have a plan (kinda like yesterday) and then the plan gets changed. note to self: make no plans.
last minute cancellation and so back to the glenrose for mom's assessment. she will be re-entering the s.t.a.r.t. medicine program twice a week for eight weeks. a team will be working with her to continue her therapy and she will also have time for some socialization. wonderful news! she is scheduled to start next tuesday. great. note to self: it is okay to ask lots of questions and it does not mean you are stupid.
morning phone call that she will start TODAY. good, fine, sure, no problem. fantastic, I'm thinking! dad gets a break, mom is happy, nadia can stop worrying for the next few hours and twice a week for the next eight weeks. perfect! note to self: do not get ahead of yourself.
call from dad. a little scrambled. lots of questions. swearing. waving the white flag. WHAT? I don't understand. I am confused. scared. worried. racing around like a mad woman. note to self: STOP!
and so I do...
I stop because it is not helping. I make a list. I go for a ride. good coffee always helps me think! and then I start to cry. in the car. alone. what do I do? note to self: asking self questions and waiting for an intelligent response is not happening.
and so I check off what I can do. lawyer. cemetery. doctor. done. meals? make a list of meals and a grocery list. done. cooking extravaganza will begin.
note to self: you are brave, you are strong and dammit you are smart. you can do this. (said to self as self is pulling up big girl panties and dealing with it)
loving this right now...
and these courtesy of my lovely neighbor...
and we included our furry friends in the walk this morning...
and I completed this today...
which is kinda wierd cause over supper tonight they told us they may have found a van for their trip. cross your fingers for them that it all works out! a lot of my inspiration lately has been coming from talking to them about life, love and the adventure of it all.
my favorite shot of the day...
"a few shots from my current 365 project"
first laundry on the line for this year april 2009
"drumming" - totally addicted! april 2009
I so wanted to steal this so that I could take it to mom's and play "beauty shop" with real props april 2009
seated next to this beautiful girl on the plane whose name happened to be "nadia" may 2009
happy mother's day? may 2009
a new tradition "w(h)ine fridays" cheaper than therapy, may 2009
"silly" break at inspired may 2009
"reality break" two girls with sneakers city chase may 2009
one melon plus one melon equals two melons, right? good job bean counter!
good to know that michael can do math. mamma on the other hand gave me a headache about it.
so I decide that I will give dad a break and take mom shopping. do you know me? I don't do shopping. I walk into the gap pick up a pair of jeans, a shirt and cute jacket type thing and we are done. size doesn't change and the price is right. I may not look like I stepped off the cover of vogue, but I am comfortable!
okay so we head out to the bay and start our adventure. mom is a bit slow with the walker and it is tricky manoeuvring around the displays so I rearrange the store to accommodate her walker. it worked! so we find some deals. couple of shirts for dad and three shirts for michael. walk up to the till and ma says she's got it. I say no, no, come now and she says no, I have it. okay. so till lady rings up our order and ma pulls out her wallet. she rifles through the bills. ma carries cash. mostly brown and red ones and a few green, but always cash. so the bill is 171.11 and she pulls out three red ones, a loonie and eleven cents. I say ma, you are short a twenty. do you have any more cash? she starts rifling through her wallet and I soon realize that she is out of bills and I dip into my wallet where thankfully I have my art fund stashed. I normally do not carry cash and most especially not brown ones and red ones.
so done. bill is paid and I say ma, you out of money! and she says, no I have lots of money. I think to myself perhaps she has more hidden that we just didn't take the time to wait for her to pull out. no biggie. we move on to the mall where we walk and I am quite happy just walking. she says, just carry on like I am not even here. go do what you need to do. so thing is that if mom wasn't with me the last thing I would be doing would be walking around a mall shopping. so I keep walking by her side and she says, oh sears! they have good sales. off we go.
we find more deals. seems a warehouse needed to be cleared out and everything was on sale and an additional 50% off if you used your credit card. deal! so we walk up the till and ma once again states, I got it. I don't argue with the lady and she pulls out her wallet and starts rifling and only has coin left. I remind her that if we use our sears card we get an additional 50 % off. she says, oh yeah, okay and pulls out her credit card. but! I want to pay the bill right now, she says. I am a bit confused at the math we have done so far as I thought we (as in her) ran out of cash. the till guy takes her card and we owe about $46.00 so she starts counting out her toonies which at this point I start digging into my art fund again knowing full well that the mamma is out of red ones and brown ones and even green ones and blue ones. ( really people I know the denomination, but I think it is fun for non canadians to play this game)
so I pull out two twenties and her three toonies and bill is paid. I am trying to do the math in my head. don't get me wrong I am fine with paying for my own purchases. of course I am, but she offered and so I am trying in my head to figure out if I am ahead or if she now owes me. in which case I should offer to pay for her purchases. this would give me extra points, no?
anyway as we are walking away from the till mom says, well, I guess we should go home, we have no money left. yes mom, I say, we both are out of money.
I return her home where dad asks how the day went and mom says, boy we sure got some good deals. yes, we sure did.
she is having difficulty walking. not sure if the money thing was confusing because she hasn't had to do it in a couple of months or is that a new symptom. I had to remind myself that we were together and it was awesome no matter what we did or who emptied their wallet faster. I am treasuring these moments more and more each day. mom and I were not exactly close growing up and I think back now to how silly it was.
I think life is like that sometimes. we spend so much time being upset with people for not doing what we think they should be doing when really we should be happy that they are doing period. like when he picks up fruit in the supermarket and you say "nice melons" and laugh. it is a split second, but it was fun and we should all have a little fun on a daily basis.
if you are in town there is tons of fun to be had around here. today we are checking out the farmer's market and then off to make it. and I am sure an iced coffee is in the mix for our decent hot, hot, hot day or maybe a beer?
I posed this question to my doctor the other day. I will share the manner in which she feels I need to figure out the answer.
-write it down-
she said it works wonders!
no shit sherlock!
which leads me to more "why?" as the needle hits my arm I wonder "why?" why do I have this pain? why is it not getting better? why am I starting to "just live with it?" are our thoughts really that powerful? is the pain showing up in my feet but actually stemming from another place? so many new things to think about in regards to "healing". and in more ways than one.
one thing I know for sure "today" is this: something is inspiring me, driving me, pushing me, tossing me forward, patting me on the back, telling me "it is good". what is that? do I need to ask "why?"
I did and what I came up with was that for the past few months I have been neglecting lots of things, but most importantly "myself".
and so I posed another question to my doctor and that was "when does it become selfish? or is it "self care?" if I feel the need to lock myself up in the studio and just see what happens and it is happening and I have this huge fear that it will disappear so I want to protect it and nurture it. be gentle with it and treasure it. is it wrong? there is a belief that that which is good is really bad for you. why? if it feels good how can it be bad? and so she tells me to enjoy "it". roll with it.
I guess it is all a part of "reflecting" which was my goal this year. it stops me dead in my tracks with inquiries as to "why" certain things are the way they are and why we are the way we are and do we really have the power within ourselves to change it? does it need to change? or do we?
"my unique and creative talents and abilities flow through me and are expressed in deeply satisfying ways. my creativity is always in demand"
weekly affirmation card
loaded her up and brought her home. after meeting with the care team at the hospital we have a diagnosis of progressive super nuclear palsy. she will not get back to her old self again and she is very limited in what she is able to do. she has to use a walker and she has to have someone with her constantly to insure that she does not fall. after many tears and many talks I found myself with a renewed thought process. she is how she is and she may get worse, but she is alive and how about we make the best of all of our lives while she is alive. while we are all alive. we do not know the speed at which the disease progresses, but we have discussed plans to make good things happen for her and some changes for all of us as we move through this together. we all have plans for the future and where we would like to be in the next ten years, but you know what? all we have is right now. this day. this moment. that is the only guarantee. wow! talk about your "grow up" attitude! I have had to do a lot of that lately and I find myself reverting back to when I was a child as well. I handled a lot of the paper work, phone calls and meetings when I was young as mom and dad had the language barrier. I grew up fast and that is probably why for a period in my life I was a bit footloose and fancy free. reckless and wild. that inner child screaming to "just play" and "just be" and "just..." thank god for a supportive family, understanding friends and therapy I am here today.
and with much gratitude. so thankful that I have my mom alive and well. she is well and she is happy and every day she surprises me with her spunkiness and go getter attitude. she finished painting the puppy for me and it is so beautiful and such a treasure. she painted it! awesome!
and as far as the new puppy goes:
yup! he is full of spit and vinegar! actually he has been absolutely delightful. he has brought us all joy and made us giggle a lot. it is so much fun trying to figure out his personality and see how he tests the waters around here. and the best part is that he loves hanging out in the studio. yay!
"creativity is inventing, experimenting, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun." - mary lou cook
splashing some paint around lately even if just in second, minute, hour increments. feels good. feels real good. a little playing around in my journal which I am tempted to transfer to canvas cause I love how it turned out:
a piece started way back when. just a sneak peek and some more experimenting with claudine's paints on canvas:
something I should have completed back in january. right laurie? and some days it feels like january around here...brrrrrrrr!
max & sparky march 2009
since we lost max I have often wondered if sparky was lonely and missed him. I know I did so I was pretty sure sparky was in the same boat. oh he had his share of play dates and puppy daycare. all were met with excitement and exhaustion. you remember sparky? he is pretty much a piece of furniture. not much excitement, never has been. he pretty much waddles around the house and occasionally wags his tail. there are those odd times when he perks right up and we are convinced he went into mamma's medicine cabinet again. and so I decided to start a little experimenting.
exhibit a - sparky a la solo:
appears to be searching for a friend.
exhibit b - sparky and his new friend "bunny":
seriously? the bunny looks more excited than sparky!
exhibit c - sparky's new friend "pete":
as you can see sparky opted out of the photo and pete was "just visiting anyway.
exhibit d - "joey" aka sparky's new brother:
an 8 month old shitzu bichon whom we rescued.
who thinks sparky is a big white foot stool, but gives him the occasional kiss. sparky is intrigued by joey and follows him around which in my eyes means we are on to something. so far the two of them have been getting along fine. no tight bond, but no fights either. I love that sparky is curious about what joey is doing and he is wanting to show off for him more and more. I pulled out the treat ball last night and sparky chased it around the living room while joey tried to figure out what all the fuss was about...and then the treat fell out. fun!